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Just stumbling upon this story? want to know how we got here? Go check out the pervious 2 installments here and here.

Just as with everything on this blog, this story is copyright Emily Rush on the day of publication. All rights reserved… yada yada yada.
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He shakes his head like a child with a snow globe, attempting to shake those memories loose from his brain. It’s a moment that chilled him to his very core, the split-second where he failed to act.

But that was only for a split-second.

His fingers curled instinctively around the cold metal shaft of his lance. He pulled it out of its resting spot in the snow with the sound of crunching snow on metal. He’ll never let a moment like that happen again. He’ll never have such an unfortunate lase in judgment happen again. It’s those lapses in which people die, towns destroyed. It’s something he can no longer let happen again.

He ponders these thoughts as he hears the hard crunch of the snow beneath his feet. The rhythmic crunch, crunch, crunch of the snow beneath his feet starts to drown out the thoughts of the massacre and lulls him in to a kind of meditation. His mind calms. It is no longer racing through all the horrendous thoughts that it was earlier.

He stops and takes a deep breath. His nose is filled with the scent of various beasts. Most of the smells are common of the ones that tend to frequent this area, the various sprites and rodents, occasionally there might be a baby drake. Underneath the common smells of the area is a bloodier, muskier smell. The scent of the creature he seeks.

“Ha!”, he thinks, “I might get him yet.”

He lets out a chuckle as he takes a little jog until his muscles fatigue. The weight of his armor pushing him further in to the snow, leaving heavy foot prints behind. If one was to track him, he would be quite easy to find. Thankfully he is the hunter and not the hunt.

Once he tires, he takes a moment. His breath heavy, creating steam rising like smoke from a dragon. It almost seems proper given the title of what he does, dragoon.

Suddenly he realizes the thickness of the air. It sits heavy on him. He thinks he knows this feeling before. Can this really be the day? How long has it really been? Days? Weeks? Months? How long has it been? How much time has passed? When was the last time he noticed this air, heavy and thick?

Did I climb higher than I meant? He’s never seen the beast travel this high. While the area is largely mountainous, he’s never seen him start to hit the snowy peaks of this ice-cold wasteland where there isn’t a lot of natural life. The higher up you go, the less hospitable it is.

While the air felt heavy and oppressive, it also felt alive with a certain amount of electricity.

He stands up and looks around, trying to take in his surroundings; seeing if he could find his quarry. The more he looks, the more he only sees the vast fields of white before him. And while the pureness of the snow should be somewhat comforting, it also feels largely unnerving.

He shakes his head, trying to clear it of any negative thoughts. Something feels different about today. It feels as though something’s going to happen today.

He takes a deep breath of the bitter cold air. It feels crisp inside his nose.

“Today… Yes.”, he thinks, “Today will be the day.”

So, last week wound up going in a direction that I hadn’t anticipated. I had wanted to get writing done, unfortunately life got in the way.

Monday I went to Berkeley to see about exorcising some really old demons. Unfortunately, Berkeley isn’t in stasis. So, it was hard for me to have the same experience that I had when I was in high school. Most of the places from then are long gone and replaced by some chain or were simply closed. Rasputin’s is no longer like what I remembered. I didn’t get in to Amoeba, which was my favorite record store. In many ways, I didn’t get what I was hoping out of the excursion.

I also had my first therapy appointment in years. Life has been a bit on the brutal side as of late. So, that requires me working through some old, painful and crunchy issues. Unfortunately, all of which are making my quite depressed.

That was last week… So, what about this week?

Well, I hope to have up more Comic Con stories. I’ve been working on getting more written up. I also hope to have at least one update of a short story. I have something else I might wanna write about. So, I’m gonna try to get this done.

Last week stalled a bit. I’m gonna work hard to make this week better than the last.

So, until then!

After that, I made my way to a panel called Manga: Lost in Translation. They were talking about issues of translating manga and what it’s like working as a translator. Most translations are done by freelancers. There are not many translators getting steady work in the US.

Iron Man and a little fan

Iron Man and a little fan

They also talked about the origin of the word “glomp”. The earliest usage of the word glomp goes back to Matt Thorne. He’s the one who coined the phrase glomp.

They considered Japanese onomatopoeia to be one of the hardest parts of translating. The Japanese has onomatopoeia for everything… even things like passing a sheet of paper. These are things where we may not have a sound word for in English.

There was also a discussion of the merits of 100% translation vs. perfect English translations. Most fan translations are done as a pure Japanese-to-English translation. And there’s merit to that as you don’t lose a lot of intention from the language of origin. However, it reads very awkwardly. Also, some Japanese puns may not translate as well in to English. Largely because the puns are based on Japanese wordplay and those jokes may not translate as well because it works in the language of origin.

They also went on to discuss issues with working as a translator. When you work as a translator in Japan, you’re largely having your translation edited by people who don’t necessarily speak or understand English. However, it’s also hard to start as a translator in the US. You need to build up your credibility. And build up your own voice and style as a translator. There are also plenty of companies

An amazing Charlie Chaplin cosplay

An amazing Charlie Chaplin cosplay

that will pay ex-scantalators pennies instead of a fair rate. This alters the economics of translation.

The last panel of the evening was called the Psychology of Cult TV. This panel was one of the most interesting panels. Instead of tearing apart cult TV shows for psychological content, they talked about the therapeutic merits of using cult TV in therapy. This is interesting because I have never had a therapist who engaged me through television.

They started the panel with the discussion of whether TV is useful or a waste of time. They concluded that TV can be therapeutic in moderation. It can help us deal with more traumatic or difficult things in life. It can also help create connections in real life.

It can also teach you lessons vicariously. This is largely because you’re dealing with some of the harshest lessons without having to actually experience them. It can be helpful with dealing with issues like death and bullying.

Representations on television can make people more compassionate and more capable of understanding bigger atrocities. It can be a way to work through issues with PTSD. It can also help give context to issues through another lens.

People get creative with naming things,,, including their octopi.

People get creative with naming things,,, including their octopi.

The entire discussion was incredibly enlightening. It was an interesting panel and one that I would love to go to again to get more perspective on using television in a therapeutic practice.

After the Psychology of Cult TV, it was time to head back to the room. We ate in the room (I managed to bring some extra food so we didn’t have to go out to eat). I was planning to go out and attempt to do some networking, but that wasn’t to happen. Before I got a chance to go out, I received a call from the person who said they were going to watch our dogs. They couldn’t make it. Since no one was going over to feed them, I got incredibly nervous and no longer felt like going out to network and drink.

If there’s one thing that I wish that I could have done, it’s do more networking.

So, we stayed in and kept on checking on the dogs on our puppycam, then went to sleep.

Here We Are Again

That’s right, we’re back in Monday.

However this Monday is different from previous Mondays. I have a new job. So, that means working out a new schedule for posting. Initially, I think I’m going to post Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I would like to attempt to post monday-Friday, but I’m easing back in to the work force and am not sure how with it I’m going to be after work.

The new job is great news, and I’m both excited and nervous about this new job. Because I’m gonna be working on posting three days a week, it means I might have to drop my beginning of the week posts so you get more content.

So, that’s a pretty good-sized change.

So, what about this week? This week I’m thinking that I’ll be posting Comic Con posts solely this week. So more Comic Con information and pictures. I hope you enjoy it.

Until later!

The Funimation panel is also chock full of dates and information. It started with a summation of Funimations 20 years. They went on to introduce themselves: Vic Demangana was the MC and Justin Rojas was the guy who was giving out lots of information… including that Vic Demnagana would be doing signings at the Funimation booth.

Riddle me this Comic Con patron...

Riddle me this Comic Con patron…

They also talked about the Funimation show… and Funimation.com. They stream anime. However, unlike Neon Alley (which is free), you have to pay for content. Considering that Funimation licenses an awful lot of anime, there’s a lot of content on that site (including Attack on Titan). They’re also running the Dragonball Z’s Broly saga (it streamed on 26.August). They’re also streaming Tokyo Ghoul, Terror in Resonance (music by Yoko Kanno, also known for doing music for Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell), Espionage, Free! Eternal Summer, and more.

So, on to the new releases:
DBZ Season 5, Battle of Gods was showing August 5,6,7 and 9. I believe you can find more information about it on Funimation.com. They’re also releasing a next gen Dragonball Z video game called DBZ Xenoverse.

They were also talking about titles that were available at the time. Those were Axis Powers Hetalia, The Devil is a Part-Timer (picture the devil working for McDonald’s), A Certain Scientific Railgun S, Karneval, Fairy Tail, pt. 1 and Attack on Titan, pt.1 (the collector’s edition for Attack on Titan is available online at funimation.com).

A Disney Princess... Sleeping Beauty, I believe

A Disney Princess… Sleeping Beauty, I believe

Senran Kagura, a series that’s pure fan service was released on 29.July. HAL will be released on 2.September. One Piece, Season 6 will be released on 30.September on Amazon and available for general release on 18.November. Street Fighter: Assassin’s Fist will be made available on 28.October. Bayonetta: Bloody Fate will be released 21.October.

There was a lot of information they gave out in that hour. We managed to get through it all… as it’s listed here. I wish that I had some of the preview videos for some of the titles. There are some smaller titles that look genuinely good (like the Devil is a Part-Timer).

Wow, this just keeps going… and there’s still more to go. Want to know what happened before? Want to read it forwards instead of backwards? You can find all the previous installments here.

As before, this work is copyrighted to Emily Rush on the date of publication. All right reserved. 

Now on to the story!
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“B-but… w-we t-talked a-about i-it a-a lot. H-he e-explained t-to me th-that h-he w-wasn’t re-replacing me…”, his boyfriend starts.

“How do you feel about it?”, he asks, “ When we came back inside, you looked like you had cried…”

“I-I’m scared. I-I d-don’t w-want this t-to be l-like wh-when w-we w-were in h-high school…”, his boyfriend explains.

“I just came out to my fiancé. At this point, I don’t even care if it gets to my family. I’ve hurt you and I’ve been lying to myself for years. “, he explains, “I hurt a lot of people lying to myself….”

He looks up in thought for a moment.

“Would it be lying to myself if I like both men and women…”, he says.

He shakes his head again. He gently places a finger under his boyfriend’s face and tilts his head until he’s looking at him.

“Regardless, the more I was apart from you… but not, I realized that you were what I was missing. I’m not planning on leaving you any time soon.”, he says as he leans closer to his boyfriend.

“Do you realize how much I have loved you? How much I still love you?”, he whispers.

He kisses his boyfriend passionately. He leans in and slides off the toilet. He leans in closer to his boyfriend’s body, forcing him to have to lie down. He feels his boyfriend’s body underneath his, knowing that all that’s keeping them apart is two layers of clothing.

Their lips part as he rests his head on his boyfriend’s chest. He can hear his heart pounding in his chest. He closes his eyes and listens to his boyfriend’s body. He feels the passion rising within him, the desire to ravish this body. He can feel that his boyfriend wants the same.

“There is nothing that I will allow to come between us. If you’re not comfortable with me going out with him, if it makes you unhappy, I won’t do it. I’m not going to go through the last few years again. I can’t…”, he says as his hands start to lift up his boyfriend’s shirt.

Feeling his boyfriend’s warm, taught skin under his hands, feeling the definition of this body beneath him.

“God, I want to do so many things to you right now…”, he says softly, reveling in the feeling of his boyfriend’s flesh being just underneath his face, “Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you are?”

He looks up at his boyfriend’s face. That face that is both angelic and beautiful. It’s displaying both sorrow and desire.

“What do you want?”, he asks.

“R-right n-now?”, his boyfriend asks.

“Sure, right now and to happen between me and the boy.”, he asks.

“B-between y-you and he b-boy… I-I’m n-not sure.”, the boyfriend says after a moment of thought, “R-right n-now, I w-want t-to be h-held by y-you both.”

His boyfriend takes a deep breath.

“A-at the s-same t-time, I-I w-want y-you to t-take me. I-I w-want to t-take y-you. I w-want t-to d-do wh-what w-we u-used t-to d-do in the b-bathroom t-together…”, his boyfriend says, turning away to hide his embarrassment.

He kisses his boyfriend’s chiseled chest. He lets his tongue caress part of his chest.

“Then, what do you want me to do?”, he asks, almost incapable of harnessing his passion.

“W-we sh-shouldn’t… I-I h-have to c-consider…”, his boyfriend says.

He sighs. He sits back and takes a deep breath.

“Then we won’t.”, he says, “But I think this is going to be a bit difficult to camouflage.”

He looks down at the erection that he is painfully aware of.

His boyfriend sniggers. He crawls forward and kisses him gently.

“W-would y-you l-like me to l-leave…”, his boyfriend offers, “O-or…”

His boyfriend blushes as he moves closer to him.

“What did you have in mind?”, he asks.

His boyfriend coquettishly looks down then back up.

“You sure you want to do that?”, he asks.

His boyfriend blushes and looks at the door.

“I-I w-would, but…”, his boyfriend starts.

“But you don’t want to leave him waiting for however long it takes?”, he says with a slightly defeated tone.

“I-I…”, his boyfriend says as he puts a hand on his leg.

“Yes, you do.”, he responds, “Go on ahead. I’ll be a moment.”

His boyfriend nods as he leans in. He plants a hot and passionate kiss on his lips. Then, like lightning, he’s back on his feet, his hand on the cool, silver doorknob.

“You know, things like that don’t really help…”, he says.

“I-I kn-know…”, his boyfriend says as he opens the door.

“N-next time y-you w-will be th-thoroughly satisfied.”, his boyfriend responds, looking over his shoulder.

“I like the sound of that…”, he says as he sees his boyfriend’s form walking away.

He stands up and walks over to the door. He quickly shuts the door and rests his forehead against the cool wood. He sighs deeply as he put a hand against the door. He closes his eyes for a moment. He shakes his head as he tries to calm himself.

He turns around and slides down the door, sitting on the cold granite floor.

“I…”, he thinks, “I don’t believe that any of this is happening… How? Why?”

He rests his head against the door.

If anyone had told him when he woke up this morning that the rest of his day would have taken this turn, he would have said that they were lying. This was far beyond anything he could imagine. He came out to his fiancé… ex-fiance… Not sure where she stands now. At this point he might as well tell his family. He’s pretty sure that she probably already has… or if not, she will soon. And while he thought that thought would be mortifying to him, he finds himself happy that he did. He also finds himself more prepared for the fallout than he ever imagined he would be.

And then there’s the boy. If there was ever something that he would have safely put on a list titled, “Having a Snowball’s Chance in Hell of Happening” it would be that the boy would be interested. It’s only been a few months since the boy found out that he and his boyfriend were a thing again.

But why, why is the boy interested in him. That’s one thing he’s having a hard time wrapping his head around. He’s never really thought of himself as attractive. He always thought he was OK, but nothing to write home about. So, the idea that another man would find him attractive never entered his mind. He also wasn’t all that much a babe magnet either. So, why?

He sighs deeply. He looks down and then straight ahead. He starts to take his shirt off, slowly pulling it up over his head.

“I know that he said he’s been looking at me since Arty Farty…”, he starts to think, “But why. Why me as well.”

He stands up and drops his shirt on the bathroom floor. He looks at himself in the mirror. He then looks down at his own body.

“My body is certainly nothing like my boyfriend’s… I don’t know if I’m really that attractive.”, he thinks as he continues to look in the mirror.

“I need to stop this. There’s nothing else that I can do right now. I’m too tired to think about this now.”, he says as he unbuttons his pants.
He lets the pants fall to the floor before kicking them out of his way. They lay partially-balled up next to his shirt.

“ I guess I’ll have to wait and find out… won’t I?”, he says to himself, looking in the mirror, “Maybe this will all be sorted soon.”

Monday, Monday

So here we are, back at Monday once again. It’s the beginning of the week and time to talk about this next week.

Last week I didn’t write as much as I would have liked. Unfortunately, my days have filled up with interviews. While this isn’t a bad thing, it does mean that I don’t get a lot of writing done.

I’m taking a break from applications this week. I need some personal down time… so, I’m going to take it.

I will get up more Comic Con posts. I may get to adding some more to my two short stories.

Other than that, I’m not entirely sure what else this week will bring… except for Wednesday where I’m going to be taking a trip and doing some serious thinking. It won’t be long, just the day.

So, here’s to a more productive week!

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve written about this. Since Burning Man is still consistently selling out, a lot of us long-time Burners are having to look for new ways to experience they Burn without making the trip to the dust. There are so many people who can’t or have no desire to make the trek back to the desert. So, what is there for people to do when Burning Man being a sell-out event is an issue?

Well, then we get creative with what we do. We obviously can’t make it in to the desert party itself because… well, no tickets.  And you can try to sneak in, but the people who work the gate have spent many years spotting people trying to come in over the trash fence or in vehicles. So, what to do.

Well, because the event has sold out, that means that Burners can’t make it out to the event. Instead of putting emphasis everything pointing to the event in the desert. They now are putting emphasis on practicing bits of Burning Man all through out the year.

Then there are those of us who aren’t going, not because of choice or design but because of circumstance.

Burning Man is starting to get to the point where it’s not really affordable for most people. In this economy where we’re still dealing with companies just not hiring with the frequency they used to. So, what’s left for those of us who have the desire to go, but not the means?

There’s an online refuge for those of us who still want to have a simulated experience of being there and seeing some of the art, but from the comfort and relative safety of your own home. Camp Envy is still going strong. We all gather around our computer, laptops and tablets and watch what’s happening at Black Rock City and chatting in chat rooms. We share the community that we all have come to know and love. It’s a place for discourse and snark.

It’s everything that many of us love about Burning Man, but without having to leave home.

For me this year, I had to take the replacement over the actuality. While I did have tickets for this year, We didn’t learn that we had tickets until the beginning of August, just after we returned from Comic Con. It was too late for us to truly prepare. There were things scheduled that couldn’t be undone. So, we had to give tickets a by this year. This year for me was a bit more difficult. Though, no worse than the last time we had bought tickets for the Burn.

Camp Envy helped me try to make it through this year, which was already full of many trials. It’s been really hitting me this year. Camp Envy has been helping me out this year.

If you’re interested in Burning Man, but don’t want to make the financial obligation to take the huge jump, Camp Envy is a great place to learn what it’s all about. After all, there are plenty of veteran Burners who are willing to share their knowledge. In many ways, Camp Envy is a wealth of knowledge and community.

And I keep coming back every year. The helpful, wonderful people make it worth logging in and joining in on the community.

campenvy.com

A Word About Suicide

ASo, I know that I was going to post about Comic Con, but there’s something that keeps weighing on both my heart and mind. It’s something that is hard to deal with and requires some thought and exorcising. This is something that I’ve had to deal with for a good many years and I feel like I’m better equipped to deal with this than I was when I was younger.

Whenever someone who holds an importance to me successfully commits suicide, it brings back a flood of feelings and memories from when I was a child. When I hear people simplify suicide by saying their a coward or they’re selfish, it brings back a lot of anger and hurt.

Since Robin Williams passing, I’ve tried to work out some personal feelings surrounding suicide, depression and specifically bi-polar disorder.

When I was younger, my mother struggled with bi-polar 2. This is the most severe bi-polar. The mood swings are quite severe. When they’re manic, they’re up for days doing everything in excess. When they’re low, life isn’t worth living. It’s a horrible disease where they can’t control how they feel and it fluctuates radically. This is the household that I was raised in when I was a child.

I lived in a world of instability. My dad worked graveyard shift and was effected by the motorcycle accident where he had a severe brain injury. My dad wasn’t there largely because he couldn’t be there. He was working odd hours and coming home late at night. It wasn’t always that way, but that’s the situation that we were in when my mom was hospitalized.

When it finally happened, I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. After all, my mom was being taken away in an ambulance. I had no idea where we were going. I knew my dad couldn’t take care of my sister and I because no one would be home at night.

Of course, my sister and I wound up in a place that was ultimately the worst place I could have gone. A place where I was abused horribly.

It took me many years to be able to start processing my feelings. It wasn’t until Kurt Cobain killed himself that I had to go back to work on these feelings… and they were still pretty raw. So, for the first time, since it first happened, I was faced with dealing with these feelings. I mostly tried to handle it intellectually. Learn as much as I could about bi-polar and suicide. This was no small task back then because the internet wasn’t a huge thing. It wasn’t in every house yet. So, I read a lot of books.

Understanding it didn’t deal with the feelings that I still have. It just helped me look at suicide more compassionately. It gave me a greater understanding of what it might be like.

Then came Robin Williams. It’s a huge loss to the world . It also brought back feelings that I still haven’t quite dealt with.

My mother tried to kill herself, but she was never successful. She was hospitalized for it for about a year. Ever since then she’s been on medication to control her depression.

There’s something a bit more difficult for me to handle. That’s how it made me feel. How it made me had to grow-up long before I was ever really ready to. That I was never enough for my mother. I think in some ways… being able to mourn an actual loss can be easier to deal with. There isn’t this lingering feeling. You’re able to have that closure, even if it’s a tragic one. In many ways, I think that this is probably the start of me never feeling like I’m ever going to be enough ever. It makes me question my self-worth not just to myself, but to others as well. It’s an issue that I have to deal with, but it’s not something trivial.

It’s something I know that I need to work through. It’s going to take time.

It’s Monday. Yay.

That’s right, it’s that wonderful time of the week known as Monday. That time of the week where we have to throw off the fun of the weekend and it’s time to get back to business. It’s a time that is both loved and hated, depending on the person and the job.

It’s also a time I talk about what I plan to get done.

Or in this case, what I might not be able to do.

This week has filled up fast with interviews. This isn’t a bad thing… Well, for the most part. It does mean that I might not be able to put up any new stuff this week. This makes me sad as this is also Burn week. I will attempt to put up stuff on the two days I don’t have interviews, Wednesday and Friday. Friday’s will more than likely be focused on Burning Man and what it’s like being my 5th year away from the place that some call Home. This year has a distinct edge over previous years that I will discuss in that post. So, keep an eye out for that.

I should keep this short as I’m off to an interview this morning.

Until later!

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