It’s a sad state of affairs when certain things that you get used to. Things that shouldn’t be OK. Things that one shouldn’t hear . One of the things that I’ve grown accustom to hearing is that I’m never good enough.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that I’m not good enough. I’ve been told it by family. I’ve been told it by ex-friends. I’ve been told it by ex-boyfriends. When you repeatedly hear it for too many years in your life, it starts to become an unfortunate mantra.
It’s something that’s been rearing its ugly head for the past 1.5 years. Every time when I’m told that I will hear something back from a company and I hear nothing. Every time I’ve been told that you’ll hear about the next steps to not hear anything… It tells me that I’m just not good enough.
After a year and a half, it’s a little harder to just bounce back and think, “Screw them. I’m good enough and someone else is going to pick me.”
That’s largely because I have the background of emotional abuse. I try to keep my head up and keep going. But then, as if out of nowhere… somewhere in the back of my mind I hear this little, pesky voice. It tells me that I’ll never be good enough. It tells me that I’m too fat, that I’m too ugly, that I’m too stupid to get a decent job. It’s the same voice that I heard for almost 10 years from my stepdad. It’s the voice that I heard from… well, every ex-boyfriend. It’s the voice of my mom as she tells me that I can never make it in Hollywood unless I sleep my way to the top.
It’s something that just doesn’t go away. So, it puts me in this mind frame that I will never be good enough.
Does that mean that I let it defeat me?
In this instance, I think that I need to be grateful for being stubborn. I refuse to let it keep me down. I can’t let those who have tried to break me down and keep me down see me weak. It’s not something they deserve.
But now I’m working on just keeping on.
This job hunt is brutal. I didn’t think that the idea of working on getting a job would be as trying as it is. You never know when something is going to hit that trigger. I think a year and a half of this does something to the psyche. Unfortunately, that’s the way the world swings.
I’m going to keep on being my stubborn-self. I’m going to keep on going. Hopefully, at some point, I’ll stop feeling like I’m not good enough.