I did something that was both incredibly difficult and something I know I needed to do. I went back to the school where I was raped. When I got there, I saw that getting on to campus was going to be easy. While the campus is surrounded by a fence, it was open at several points. That’s good because I didn’t know if I would be able to get near the actual place where it happened.
The days before I went, I kept having dreams about going to the school. The school felt larger than life. It was mostly about the school. I’ve been sleeping less too, but that’s not too surprising given the situation.
I finally made it though. The entire trip out there, I felt apprehensive. I knew I needed to do it, but I didn’t want to. The continuing struggle between wants and needs. While I wanted to not go back, I know I needed to. I need to face this. I need to see it again.
And I did. I even stood in front of the room I was assaulted in. I stood in front of it, staring at the door, the padlocked door. I’m guessing that it’s no longer being used as a production room, but is probably storage.
While there were some minor changes, it still pretty much looked as I had remembered it, as it did when I was 13.
It’s interesting to have some of the feelings I am having. More than anything, I’m not feeling as triggered as I thought I would. I am having PTSD responses to going. I’m getting flashbacks and insomnia is an issue. I’m not sure about the hypervigilance now, but I haven’t really been in large crowds since then. More than anything I feel a combination of sadness and anger. I don’t really feel shame anymore. After all, I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. It was done to me.
I also have this sense of claustrophobia… but not in the actual phobia sense. I feel like I’m in a closed in space. When I was standing in front of the room, I could see it all again. I could see the room. I could feel being trapped between my rapist and the corner. The area was so small and I had no other way out of it.
Now I’m trying to process being there. I’m working on working through it. The place no longer feels so big, it feels small.
If only that was the only emotional thing that I had to deal with at the time.
As stated before, I’m also dealing with issues from one of my partners. This, of course, reared its lovely little head when I needed him most.
I’m dealing with a lot of negative emotions. It’s so much of an issue that I do feel the need for help and for people to be around. And while I’m not quite comfortable with him going with me in a time where I need to have complete and total comfort, it doesn’t mean that I don’t need that help at all. What I need even less is someone telling me how I’m feeling when I’ve never made any inclination that was the case in the first place. So, getting a message on the day of going to the school and being told to get in contact with him if I want to… is a little upsetting.
What’s worse is having it followed up by a message back telling me that he can’t be here because he made other plans with his other partner…
Yeah. Something he knew about a month in advance and that I might need emotional help during and he tells me that he doesn’t have time for me… yet again.
One can imagine how well that went over.
I already have too much stress going on. And, really, I’m feeling incredibly hurt. When someone says they will be there to help you and then you’re told not only are they not going to be there, but they’re giving preference to their new relationship that is built on dishonesty…
That’s hard to swallow. It makes me question whether this is really a poly relationship. I feel forced out. I feel insignificant. More importantly, I feel like I’m only important when it’s a convenience. That my issues don’t matter. That going back to the place where I was raped and actually facing some really old and scary demons isn’t as important as some stupid dinner.
That fucking hurts.
My therapist warned me about doing this. He told me that he wasn’t sure that it was a good idea because I’m already feeling so emotionally vulnerable. I made sure to make the day as comfortable as possible. I had people with me who I could be that degree of emotionally vulnerable with. I went places to try to make my brain a little happier… a little more calm. I even went to the beach, which has always been a calming place for me. I made sure that every aspect of this was designed to keep me from being a complete and total mess.
And then this happens.
This is not OK. I feel like shit. That I’m unimportant. That I’m an inconvenience.