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A Childhood Want

elfquest

Suntop, Skywise, Cutter, Leetah, and Ember all sleeping

If I was to think back to when I had my first experience with poly in any form, I would have to say that it went back to when I was in middle school. My friends were just getting into Elfquest. It was something so very new. My mom wouldn’t let me read comics when I was a kid because they were evil or something. In all fairness, I have no idea why they were considered so bad. The storylines at that point were still fairly simplistic.

There were three characters that shared a loving V relationship. They are Cutter, Skywise, and Leetah. The connection point between Leetah and Skywise is Cutter as he’s the one with the intimate relationship with the other two.

I didn’t realize how profoundly the image of the three of them sleeping was for me. After all, I never had that closeness when I was younger, despite how much I wanted to feel like people wanted to be close to people.

There was something comforting about the relationship between the three of them, that just made me feel… I don’t know… comforted. I think that would be the most accurate, especially because at that point in my life, I didn’t even have a good place when I was home with my birth family.

It’s funny, because I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to have a warm and loving family. I didn’t really have that experience when I was a child. A majority of my childhood was chaos and anger and fear. It was everything that you would never want to have as a child. Looking at a picture of Leetah, Cutter, and Skywise sleeping peacefully with Leetah and Cutter’s children…

It’s something that I desired when I was a child. It’s never something I really experienced nor do I have a conscious moment of when I was younger. There was a lot of anger, pain, and fighting… but never a sense of peace of serenity. Never a sense of what I hear is supposed to be what it means to be in a family. The strife that I dealt with when I was younger has made me a bit more standoffish than I think anyone should be.

Life does seem to have a way of righting itself some of the time. While chaos will always be a part of life (as much as I dislike it), It is possible for things to right themselves. The peace that I saw in that picture, the love that I saw in that relationship… that seems to be within reach. I keep hoping and waiting patiently to have that an image like that of my own… and it’s possible that maybe I can have that family. It’s certainly something that I want more than anything. I want to have in my adulthood all the things that my childhood never presented me. I want constancy. I want a warm and loving environment. I want people who will actually love me, make me feel like I’m loved regardless.

All it took was a simple picture of three people sharing a loving moment…

A Life Update

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Snoopy hopes for what all of us writers do. Image by Charles Schulz

It’s still been some time since I’ve been back here writing… and it’s something that I admit I haven’t been doing as well as I might. There are many reasons why I haven’t written all that much. My stress had been through the roof. And a large part of it for a long time was a dissolution of a relationship… and many things about that relationship specifically. Now that is done and I’ve done some work on building myself back up, that seems to be waning… even the stress to find a second part-time job.

I’ve also had a health issue. I am one week away from my final oral surgery to take care of dental issues. While I’m glad that it’s almost done, there’s a lot of anxiety surrounding it as well. And, even bigger, a lot of pain. Concentration has been difficult at best. I’m still dealing with the pain from my teeth which should hopefully be finished soon. Tooth pain sucks.

I also had to take a moment to look at myself. I had to admit that I was my own worst enemy when it comes to me not writing. Between my disappointment with people and dealing with a lot of personal demons that came out on Thanksgiving and knowing that no matter what, I don’t think I’ll ever really be excepted by my own family. I’ve tried so hard my whole life to be accepted by them. I guess I need to accept that they don’t necessarily care about who I am. That my sexuality and my gender identity doesn’t mean all that much to them.

That’s been the hardest part to accept. So, what do I do now?

That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?

Mostly, I’m going to keep on writing. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned recently, it’s that writing is probably the most important thing to me. I need to create worlds and stories. I need to create characters and watch them grow as the words continue to flow from my fingers. Not writing hasn’t been helpful to me. Writing is such a huge part of myself, so I need to do more of it.

After I recuperate from my surgery next week, I’ll attempt to write here at least once a week. I’ll also keep working on my screenplays and other writing. I have a new story that I’m still working on the beginning of. I will continue to work on that story that I posted the beginning of here. I’m going to keep on writing. Right now, that’s mostly what I have. I’ll have to figure everything else out, but for right now, I’m going to keep writing.

Little Girl Lost

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Ritsuka from Loveless by Yun Kouga

There are things that are hard for me to describe, even as a decently educated writer. The hardest is to explain what being triggered is like. It’s not just discomfort or being upset. I wish it were simple. Then again, of PTSD were easy to understand, then there wouldn’t be as much misinformation as there is about it.

Right now, I’m deep in the bowels of a very deep and profound triggering event. I’ve gotten past the anger that is usually what I feel first, anger and sadness. Now I’m working on tackling a near-crippling self-doubt and depression. And that’s not the only thing that’s living here, that’s just the guardians of the house.

Deeper inside the house that trauma built is a deep hurt of a child who was left to be the adult. A child who never knew what it meant to be wanted. A child who was tossed aside and was beaten and abused for decades. A child whose parent came back later after she learned how to cope with things most children don’t start approaching until late middle school or high school.

Inside this house is a little girl, lost and afraid… on her own to fend for herself. No matter what color of happiness she paints on the outside of the house, she can’t just ignore the misery inside.

This is probably just a simplistic snapshot of an incredibly complex and insidious set of neurological responses. It’s something that people want to trivialize because it’s easier to make fun of people who are deeply troubled. At least that seems to be the American way of things.

And that’s what makes this all so terribly difficult. I have a lot of things that I know I’ll never get any closure for. That makes it so much harder. I have no way of getting closure. One of the people is no longer amongst the living. Others I have no contact with… and that’s probably for the best. I would need to sever that relationship regardless… and then there are relationships that I’ve been told I need to sever, but it’s not going to be so simple.

I start to feel so helpless because I can’t figure out how to move away from the relationship that seems to be more emotionally detrimental as time goes on. I feel like no matter what I do, that I’m stuck. I have no clue how to take care of it. There’s never really any one good way to pull away from abusive relationships. There isn’t. Even though I know what will help me in finishing healing, I haven’t a clue on how to break away from it. Unfortunately, my therapist isn’t being any help, regardless of how many times I’ve reached out.

I feel so lost right now.

Image from Code Geass: Lelouch of the Revolution, taken from Kotaku

Image from Code Geass: Lelouch of the Revolution, taken from Kotaku

In the wake of this last clusterfuck of reality that we are now forced to deal with, there’s one thing that stands out more than anything. There is a ridiculous amount of finger-pointing going on. There are the standard blame third-party voters. This I understand… and Libertarians are taking the brunt because they managed to get a percentage. Surprisingly, if you were in the liberal echo chamber, you would think it was Stein. She didn’t manage to get even 1% in any state.

But now there’s bigger fish to fry, apparently. Frankly, it’s one that’s burned to death after 8 years of conservative propaganda (and yes, I’m specifically speaking about Fox “News”). Liberals are awful, horrible people and are totally to blame for this. It’s the DNC’s fault because they backed Clinton. If Sanders ran, he would have won.

Yes, I have seen these articles to in the wake of the election. I have made no secret of how I swing. I openly admit to being socialist. I think that government should serve the people. I have never been happy about a candidate until Bernie Sanders. He didn’t make it. For whatever reason, that’s a failure.

Yet, I’m not going to blame the DNC. I’m not going to blame liberals (since I fall to the left of liberals). At this point, it’s not going to help anything but to further disenfranchise those of us that are liberal or further left.

By saying that liberals are to blame, you are creating a divisive dialog, very similar to the concept of “libtards” that has been pushed for 8 years by the right. The fact that we don’t have an equally ablest and divisive title of conservatives should show that we have decided to take the high road for far too long.

More than anything, I think that we, as people who lean to the left. The people who are appalled at the very notion that the alt-right now have a legitimate place in modern society. That we are sitting on the precipice of losing every ally we had because only a quarter of the population decided for this country. One that probably the 50% who stayed home instead of voting are probably now regretting.

While I agree, Hillary was not a great candidate, I think that there is someone who deserves a majority of the responsibility. It’s not the alt-right, it’s not the liberals, it’s not the people who didn’t vote, or who voted third-party. I blame the press. And the bonus is, they are also blaming themselves. They are looking at what they did during this election cycle and taking to heart how they could have done better. The New York Times (one of the most respected papers in the US) recently for how they covered the election. Hell, CNN has also admitted that they are partially to blame for how they covered the election.

The people deserve better than that. We deserve to have a press that’s willing to put itself on the line like it used to. The job of the press is to take people to task and expose corruption. Instead we have a group of yes men who are too scared to get sued for taking a stand. Maybe, just maybe we might get that press back after this debacle.

But let’s not blame each other for (hopefully just) the next four years. We can only reflect on the information that we’re given by the gatekeepers. Those gatekeepers are the press. The press should do better by us. It seems that some sources got the memo. Hopefully many more of them will soon as well.

“I am to misbehave.”

I feel that this quote from “Firefly” feels the most appropriate right now. I refuse to behave. I refuse to lie back and take what a part of this country thinks I should as a woman, as a pan/bi/queer non-binary person. I can’t.

And I won’t.

I can’t as a member of humanity, trying to find their happiness in this world. A human who believes that other humans have an equal right to find their happiness, whatever that may look like. And to do it without the expense of other people. Happiness can be had without it being on the backs of others.

So, that’s why I have chosen to stand, to stand up for the things that I believe. To stand against hate and fear. I’m going to stand the only way that I know how, and in a manner, that so many of you are familiar. I’m going to write. I’m going to write about the things that I believe. I’m going to criticize things that I think could use change. I’m going to wear a big ol’ target because this is important. This is what America was founded on. It wasn’t founded on blind acceptance of what is. It’s fighting for how we can make things better.

I refuse to just fall in line. I refuse to be quiet.

I’m so grateful that I have people who will support me in my right to speak my mind, especially in a place where everyone wants to tell me to shut up and make a man a sandwich.

I will not let someone take away my bodily autonomy. I refuse to be barefoot and pregnant. I refuse to stop fancying who I fancy.

I will be me, unabashedly. I will be the queer person that I am. I will continue to pursue my happiness, and I will not take away from someone else’s for my own gain.

This is counter-intuitive to where this country wants to go. I don’t want to regress. I don’t think that things were better in the “good ol’ days”. I think that the best is yet to come. And I will fight for it to exist. I refuse to accept (like those who want to hold back what I consider progress) what is now the status quo. I have never been a fan of just accepting things the way they are.

And now, I feel, if you share my beliefs, that we all must fight to maintain every step forward we have taken. To not give in to fear and despair. To work to realize a better world for us all to live in. To fight against the alt-right and the white supremacists who want to limit the happiness that other humans should also be enjoying. America is not a white utopia. It should be a utopia for all.

So, I too shall raise my voice and say, “This is not OK. This is not acceptable. We are too good for this.” We will not be abused and told to take our place.

I will not be subject once again to the same abuse that I had to live for so many of my lives. I’m too much of a fighter for that.

“Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
-Dylan Thomas

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This year has been fairly brutal so far. If there’s one thing that I could say that this year has had more than anything else, it’s definitely hurt. It’s something that I’ve once again become intimately aware of. Of course, it’s not by my own choice. I had to deal with things that I find unacceptable, period. I don’t do lying and I don’t do deception.

All of that, of course, hits on other buttons that are from incredibly bad parts of my life, including the feeling that I’m not worthy enough for anyone to really want to be with me. That everyone will just leave me. This is a running theme in my life. Not surprisingly, this hits on some pretty deep-seated pain. So, I’m still working through that.

For the most part, I’m generally OK. I can typically handle things. But then I have this thing that I call brain chatter. This is the negative voice telling me how horrible a person I am. That no one really wants to be around me because not even my parents really wanted to be. While I know that there is no validity to what’s being said (at least as far as right now is concerned), it is still hard to trudge through on a daily basis. I try to ignore it, but sometimes it just won’t disappear.

More than anything right now, I want to hurt to be gone. I want to be able to enjoy what I do have right now… and I have some pretty awesome things right now. I want that tinge of sadness to be gone. I don’t need it in my life. And while I could have probably prevented it and been passed it, that’s not what happened. And while I could what if things to death, I don’t think that’s going to really help anything.

I just need to process all the hurt and pain. Then I need to really accept the things that are in my life now. Accept things as they are and not some silly schoolgirl ideal. I know it’s going to take some time. I’ll get there. I’m hoping that I can process this all out soon.

I’m pretty done with the hurt.

A New Path

It’s been some time since I’ve kept myself to a somewhat regular schedule. The reason for this is many… and largely influenced by a lot of personal stuff. It’s not something that I’m happy about, but it is what it is. It’s something I’m going through and working my way past.

So, what does that mean here?

I’m planning on coming back and writing more. Some of it might actually be personal. I also want it to be other than personal. Unfortunately, a lot of my more recent writing has been more personal.

It’s time to do a bit of personal revamping. To this end, I will be taking a week or so off to work out some emotional rubbish. After that, it’s back on. More posting. Initially it will be more private. Later it will be more fun stuff. It just dawned on me that it’s been time since I’ve posted anything fun.

So, there you have it. See you in a weekishreading-at-the-beach.

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I don’t know why I’m writing this… I’m not sure how much stock I put into things manifesting itself because I’m asking for it. I don’t know if it’s happened in my life. But I’m feeling at a loss as a whole lately, so I’m grasping on to whatever straws I can.

Dear Universe or whatever benevolent spirit is out there,

I need to ask for something. This isn’t something I normally do, but I’m trying new things. It’s starting to seem to me that work alone doesn’t always net the response one would think it does. That’s not to say that I’m going to stop any work that I’m doing. It’s simply saying that with my work, I’m going to try this manifesting thing. I don’t want something that is just handed to me.

First thing, I’m going to keep working on my issues with depression and anxiety… but most importantly depression. I’ve been trying to work past this. Granted it has been greatly exacerbated as of a month ago. I understand that depression tends to be more of an ebb and flow… and I’m thinking that it’s ebbing. I would like the flow to be a bit longer.

Secondly, I want to write for a living. I want a job that makes me soul sing every morning. I want to wake up and sit at my computer and do what I love so much. I don’t mind starting with an internship and moving up… I just want to write.

Thirdly, NO MORE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE, PERIOD. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. I’m tired of being consistently treated like shit. It might have taken me far too many years to be able to admit this, but I don’t deserve this shit. I don’t. I deserve partners who love and respect me. Thankfully, that’s what I have now.

Finally, I need more patience. This is something I’ve mentioned before… and mostly ad nauseam, I know. This time I’m not referring to circumstances. This time, I need more patience with people. I need to learn that things can take time, and that’s OK… especially when it comes to partners and other people in general. I also need the patience to realize that not everyone is going to be on the same track as I… and that’s OK. More importantly, I have to allow time to flow and let relationships find where they’re supposed to be. This is hard for me, but this is something that I need to find peace with. It feels like things are starting to find where they are supposed to be, I just need to wait.\

These are the things I want to manifest in my life, but not necessarily in this precise order. (No, really, I would really love the job thing to happen first.) So, I guess now we wait, right? OK… totally working on that final part again. Time to practice my patience.

Life is Funny

My life has been interesting as of late… and I’m not sure if I would qualify it as Chinese curse interesting. It certainly has felt that way for me for months. Each event seeming far worse and harder to overcome than the last. It was so bad that I felt as though I were on the brink of despair.

Sometimes life gives you something that is horrible at the time, but in hindsight might have been precisely what you needed in the first place. There are some things that wind up being blessings in disguise. And as much as I’m remiss to say it, I think what I went through may have been just that.

So, just after the Fourth of July, I got the results of a back x-ray that I took to see what was causing the pain in my back. That turns out to be early arthritis in my lower back. Not a surprise as I’ve had arthritis since I was 13 and had it in my knees. Not really surprising, and now it’s something that I’m going to fight against. I’ll be damned if I wind up in a wheelchair before my time.

More worrisome is that they also found a 5mm density in my lung/internal organ area.

So, of course this means something a lot more important… and dangerous. That means that they need to take another x-ray to make sure that something’s there… and if there is, it’s more than likely cancer. After all, cancer does run in my family. My grandmother died 2 years ago from cancer. My dad and grandfather have had to have tumors biopsied to make sure it wasn’t cancer.

While I was sure that I didn’t have cancer… it didn’t change that I was still scared. I’ve been in immediate fear for my life before. I’m even familiar of being in fear for my life at the hands of someone else for some time. This is the first thing that is hard to fight against. This is the first time I couldn’t watch something that could kill me. That scared me more than any of the other things that I could imagine. I’ve been abused and have had to handle plenty of other things in my life. This is different.

The two days I had to wait to have my chest x-ray were both long and excruciating. In that time, it makes one evaluate what it would mean if it turns out to be something, if it really is cancer. How would my life change? What would I need to do in order to have the longest and best quality of life is possible? How painful is chemotherapy?

It’s not a pleasant thought train, but it was a possibility.

The day of the x-ray came and I went in and did it. Tomo was super supportive as that’s the job he thinks he needs to do, be puppy emotional support for mommy. Then they asked me questions of why I was there to see if I understood why. I answered and broke down half of the way through. The x-ray tech read the reason and apologized. It didn’t take much for him to realize the reason for being there.

I took the x-ray and then all that was left was to wait. Thankfully my doctor wanted to give me an answer sooner than later. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything for a day. I heard back within the hour.

It came back that the density was an artifact.

That is the best news anyone could hope to get. I felt entirely relieved. All the scary thoughts that I had thought had gone.

Something more interesting came from this situation… something I didn’t know was possible. A week after finding out that I wasn’t in for having my life altered, something unimaginable happened. For the first time in about as long as I could remember I didn’t feel so anxious about things. It’s something I’m still not used to.

I don’t feel as awkward as I used to in social situations. Thinking about other things in my life doesn’t make me dreadful. This is both wonderful and weird. Because of thinking about everything that could have gone bad and that it could have been a very real situation. I think it helped put things in perspective for me. Life is so temporary and can change in the blink of an eye. There’s no time to fret over things that don’t matter. It sucks that I had to have a health scare for that point to settle into my brain. But here it is.

Kabuki by David Mack

Kabuki by David Mack

 

In the very early hours of the eighth of July in the year Common Era two thousand and sixteen, I lie awake. My brain is a constant churning cacophony. I try to make sense of the countless whispers, even if there is none. I try to bring calm to this maelstrom… yet to no avail.

I stare blankly at the darkness, almost impotent to do anything. After all, how does one make sense of the nonsensical? How does one find sanity in insanity?

This week has been both a blessing and a curse. It has offered me a chance for insight, yet also a deeper look into the gaping, dark maw of hatred that many don’t wish to acknowledge… yet we can no longer ignore it.

May you live in interesting times. This is an old Chinese curse (or so I’ve been told). Yet nothing could ring more true as I look at how things have come to this.

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least attempt to hash out everything that is in my head, and maybe give myself an hour or two of sleep.

So, where do we start? Generally, at the beginning… yet, I don’t think that would work nearly as nicely. So, how about where we are right now.

In two days, two men were killed. The why is entirely important because too many people want to hush the rightly angry voices of the community it affects most. Two black men were killed in two days, by cops. This isn’t the first instance, and sadly, this will probably not be the last.

These were two men who were trying to follow what they police were telling them. Yet they were gun down… one of them in front of their four-year-old daughter and girlfriend, while he was still in the car (daughter and girlfriend were as well).

That last sentence should give you pause. It certainly does me.

A young girl just lost her father and has been traumatized for life. This isn’t something you can just forget. She will see this play out over and over in the dead of the night.

So, after such relentless and senseless death of two black men, what to do?

Exercise our first amendment rights as Americans and protest by any means necessary. We all have a right to speak out against injustice when we see it, by whatever voice we can muster. This is why Black Lives Matter is important. Because, right now, the lives being threatened and taken aren’t white, they’re black. And their lives are as valuable as anyone else’s.

Yet, some in Dallas felt differently. Some rogue people decided that they wanted to see another kind of justice. And after many deaths of black men at the hands of the police, in the middle of an otherwise peaceful protest, they decided to take the lives of three officers in Dallas.

People, this is the world we live in. This is not OK.

This is no longer a matter of being a “social justice warrior”. This is about understanding the systemic racism that many find acceptable. That many are willing to vote for (or in many cases not vote at all and allow it to happen anyways). This is the megalomaniac, a narcissist in a bad comb over and horrible spray tan. THIS is what we might be left with. We find ourselves being on the very precipice that the Weimar Republic found itself in the 1920s.

This is not OK.

We deserve better.

 

It makes my personal journey seem trivial in the light of so much hate and darkness in the world. Where it’s all so palpable, tangible. If one wanted, they could reach out into the night and touch it, feel the roiling chaos that it brings with it. For down that path lies the road to ruin. Where we must all forgo the very moral values that every religion teaches.

It’s hard to know if it’s possible to tread forward anymore. I feel caught in a black sludge that threatens to overtake all that is good in this world. It keeps me up late at night and into the wee hours of morning.

… And I realize that there is no more sense to this chaos.

So, what should one do?

Do I succumb? Or do I fight, even though I have lost the will to fight?

I thank whatever for my stubbornness. If anything, it has kept me fighting longer than reason should allow.

So, I sit here, fighting the best way I know how, with words. I won’t fall into that seething abyss before me… and if I do fall, it will be fighting. After all, that’s all I know how to do in this world. It’s what has kept me alive for so long, even after my brain has said stop. I will not allow this darkness to take anyone that I love and care about… or even those that I loathe.

I will not stand idle by.

I chose to fight against the darkness because we deserve better. Because no four-year-old girl deserves to live a life of nightmares. Because even the least of us deserves a voice. Because this is not OK.