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The Inconvenient

I did something that was both incredibly difficult and something I know I needed to do. I went back to the school where I was raped. When I got there, I saw that getting on to campus was going to be easy. While the campus is surrounded by a fence, it was open at several points. That’s good because I didn’t know if I would be able to get near the actual place where it happened.

The days before I went, I kept having dreams about going to the school. The school felt larger than life. It was mostly about the school. I’ve been sleeping less too, but that’s not too surprising given the situation.
I finally made it though. The entire trip out there, I felt apprehensive. I knew I needed to do it, but I didn’t want to. The continuing struggle between wants and needs. While I wanted to not go back, I know I needed to. I need to face this. I need to see it again.

And I did. I even stood in front of the room I was assaulted in. I stood in front of it, staring at the door, the padlocked door. I’m guessing that it’s no longer being used as a production room, but is probably storage.

While there were some minor changes, it still pretty much looked as I had remembered it, as it did when I was 13.

It’s interesting to have some of the feelings I am having. More than anything, I’m not feeling as triggered as I thought I would. I am having PTSD responses to going. I’m getting flashbacks and insomnia is an issue. I’m not sure about the hypervigilance now, but I haven’t really been in large crowds since then. More than anything I feel a combination of sadness and anger. I don’t really feel shame anymore. After all, I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. It was done to me.

I also have this sense of claustrophobia… but not in the actual phobia sense. I feel like I’m in a closed in space. When I was standing in front of the room, I could see it all again. I could see the room. I could feel being trapped between my rapist and the corner. The area was so small and I had no other way out of it.
Now I’m trying to process being there. I’m working on working through it. The place no longer feels so big, it feels small.

If only that was the only emotional thing that I had to deal with at the time.
As stated before, I’m also dealing with issues from one of my partners. This, of course, reared its lovely little head when I needed him most.

I’m dealing with a lot of negative emotions. It’s so much of an issue that I do feel the need for help and for people to be around. And while I’m not quite comfortable with him going with me in a time where I need to have complete and total comfort, it doesn’t mean that I don’t need that help at all. What I need even less is someone telling me how I’m feeling when I’ve never made any inclination that was the case in the first place. So, getting a message on the day of going to the school and being told to get in contact with him if I want to… is a little upsetting.

What’s worse is having it followed up by a message back telling me that he can’t be here because he made other plans with his other partner…

Yeah. Something he knew about a month in advance and that I might need emotional help during and he tells me that he doesn’t have time for me… yet again.

One can imagine how well that went over.

I already have too much stress going on. And, really, I’m feeling incredibly hurt. When someone says they will be there to help you and then you’re told not only are they not going to be there, but they’re giving preference to their new relationship that is built on dishonesty…

That’s hard to swallow. It makes me question whether this is really a poly relationship. I feel forced out. I feel insignificant. More importantly, I feel like I’m only important when it’s a convenience. That my issues don’t matter. That going back to the place where I was raped and actually facing some really old and scary demons isn’t as important as some stupid dinner.

That fucking hurts.

My therapist warned me about doing this. He told me that he wasn’t sure that it was a good idea because I’m already feeling so emotionally vulnerable. I made sure to make the day as comfortable as possible. I had people with me who I could be that degree of emotionally vulnerable with. I went places to try to make my brain a little happier… a little more calm. I even went to the beach, which has always been a calming place for me. I made sure that every aspect of this was designed to keep me from being a complete and total mess.

And then this happens.


This is not OK. I feel like shit. That I’m unimportant. That I’m an inconvenience.

As I’m trying to mitigate the negative stuff in my life now, either a legitimate thing or a negative repercussion of the stress that I’m dealing with now. As I mentioned before, it’s not all bad. So, I wanted to take some time to talk about the good.

While I realize that it’s so much more fun to hear all the rich gossip, really… there is so much more going on besides the bad? So, instead of just talking about all the negative stuff, have some positive stuff.

No matter how bad things are, I’m also learning that there are some things that are OK. I find that if I can actually trust someone, I can feel comfortable with a lot of things. I’m actually surprised how comfortable I am. It’s teaching me a bit about myself.

Even more, I’m impressed that I have the capacity to be so happy. I think this may be the happiest I’ve been in my whole life (knock on wood)… unless this nets me even more happy things, then bring it. I never imagined that I could trust other people as much as I do now. What’s more, I’m not even sure why I do. I don’t know what’s changed to make it so. I don’t know if I’m any different from I was 6 months ago.

Even when I’m dealing with a situation where I don’t know if I can trust someone, it’s not permeating the rest of my life. It’s not making me question the other relationships in my life. This is also new. I used to let other negative emotions seep into the rest of my life, but it’s not this time. Maybe I’ve grown more mature and confident in my ability to create wonderfully mature multiple relationships. Who knows?

More importantly, I do cherish the closeness that I’m feeling. I seriously never imagined that things could be like this. It makes me feel pretty… I don’t know, amazing.

I often wonder if I can thank my partners enough. I’m never sure. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday soon.

Trying New Things

Nights are getting rough… and I’m not really sure why. Why is all of this being really heavily triggered. Why is my feeling of isolation so strong? Why does my heart feel so heavy? What the fuck is going on that I feel so damn depressed?

This is bugging the ever-living piss out of me. I don’t really have any reason to be unhappy… OK, 2/3s of my relationships are perfectly happy and stable. Yet, I’m mentally stuck on the one that isn’t. But that’s just part of it, isn’t it? It’s not everything. But it’s a huge part.

I also feel like I’m being socially ignored. This part really kind of stings. I’m not sure how best to conquer that. Well… maybe. Or maybe it’s more that I’m afraid that I’m going to be seen as being too needy. Because I want to try to be more social. I don’t know… maybe that just sounds silly. And a huge part of me is still feeling pretty rocked because of being told that a partner who I trusted didn’t have time for me.

I know I need to get past this… I can’t. I’m going to see a therapist to work on this, but I have to wait. I have to wait until he gets back. Except I don’t know if I can wait two weeks.

Then there’s something bigger coming up. Looming ever closer is going to the school where I was raped. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is partially contributing to my current case of the blahs. I’m still scared. The closer it gets, the more I feel scared. And that sucks. It sucks hard.

I strongly dislike this feeling of being utterly alone. And while I consciously know that I’m not. That I have people who want to help me along.

And then there’s still this weird feeling that things are just getting started… and not necessarily in a negative way. That more good is coming. Frankly, it’s about time for it. I want a time where I can enjoy my partners and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about how I’m feeling. This is what I’m looking forward to. I know that it’s going to be a trudge to get back there. I know that.

I also know I can do it. I fought through my rape on my own. I fought through years of abuse. I can do this. I know I’m not too weak to do it. But I grow tired. Yet, I still have the resolve to kill things with fire.

These are interesting times that I live in. I still haven’t figured out if it’s Chinese curse worthy.

Big Changes in Life

There’s one thing that helps me handle life sometimes. Life is ironic. No matter what you think will happen, life likes to take that sharp right turn and taking you down a road that you don’t expect. Unfortunately, for me, I’m starting to expect the bad things. It seems to be a unifying theme to my life. Oh, you’ve been abused for 13 years, let’s throw a rape on top of it. That’s not enough, let’s also have one of your abusers die of cancer. That abuse you sustained when you’re a kid, you’re going to have a lot more of that.

It wasn’t until I took time out to take stock of myself that I realized that I was just perpetuating the problem. I then decided to stop. And while that is still my conscious decision, I’m still feeling like I have to deal with it in one aspect of my life. Just when one part of my life feels like it’s coming together, something else seems to fall apart. Or maybe I’m starting to fall into despair because of having to deal with fighting for months now.

The people who make me happy make so incredibly jubilant. The happiness I feel right now is so incredible. I didn’t think that I could be this happy. At the same time, I feel like I have to deal with things that I said I would never entertain anymore in my life. I have had to for months. I’ve had my trust shattered by someone to the point where I’m uncomfortable. I’m not sure if they’re ever being honest with me. They’ve hurt me so profoundly, especially after pulling the coup d’grace, telling me that whatever I’m seeing is in my head.

Yeah, I’m back there. I’m back where I was when I was still around the drama group.
Of course, all of this is trying to work back through my rape and abuse. I’m going to go back to where I was raped. I’ve even gone as far as setting a date to do it. To go back to the school I was raped at. I know I can’t see the exact room, but even just being in the presence of it… the thought scares me. I’m nervous and scared. I know that I’ll have good people with me to help me through. People I know that I can trust to be with me at a time where I will be incredibly vulnerable. A part of me is scared that I’ll run into the man who raped me again. It’s a fear that I have every time I go visit home.

I need to do this. I can talk about my rape until I’m blue in the face. I’ve gotten past the initial shock. After having my rapist reach out to me repeatedly, it’s made me want to insulate more. It makes me want to pull back into myself. Not because I don’t think that the people I have can’t help, but because there is so much rage and pain. I can’t necessarily claim that I had much of a childhood. I wasn’t allowed that. But this ripped away my innocence and any sense that I should have been allowed to have like any other 13-year-old girl. This one event hurt me more than my friends calling me she-male when I was in middle school.

It’s one thing to say you’re going to do. It’s another to actually go and do it. Now I’m doing it. There’s a time. I can’t back out now, even if a huge part of me wants to. It doesn’t want to face the pain that I had to deal with, that I still deal with. At least I know I’m not alone this time.

Deeper Thoughts…

I don’t often cite Family Guy as a source for deeper thought. I mean, come on, it’s not exactly a bastion of good lessons or real thought. It’s mostly base and crass humor. Occasionally they have some great episodes, or parts that are poignant… sometimes they hit close to home.

The episode where Meg finally snaps and tells everyone else how she feels hits close to home for me. Maybe because in many ways I identify with Meg. She’s the awkward teenage girl that’s treated poorly. I may not be as gross as she’s typically portrayed, but I do understand many of her complaints when she finally voices of them.

Then it always fills my mind with other feelings. In many ways I feel like I’ve missed out on things. I’ve always had to be the adult or even an adult, so what could I have done? I didn’t get to be a child or adolescent. I don’t know what that means or even if I could do it now. That makes me sad… very sad.

Then I realize that I tend to be nice… sometimes too nice. I want to have time where I can be selfish. I can do and have things that I would like. I tend to put myself out more times than not for someone else. I have to bear the responsibility… and it frustrates me.

I guess that both of those behaviors go together.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I think I need to talk out what it is that I need. I want to have times where I can be less responsible. Times where I can do something other than the responsible thing to do.

What’s really causing this is a problem in one of my relationships. Surprisingly, it’s not one that I caused. I guess that’s not all that surprising… but there you have it. So, I have to then deal with the emotional part of it. I feel like every attempt I’ve made to talk about things has been pushed aside or treated as not important. I can’t trust, but it can’t be talked about either… even though I’ve repeatedly mentioned it.

I… I don’t know. I just feel incredibly hurt. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will ever be enough. I’m not being heard… and when I am, it eventually winds up being a problem, even though I’m asking for what I need. Then there are things that are happening that make me feel pretty knee-jerk, but that’s a different conversation altogether. Maybe it’s this relationship that makes me feel like Meg. I have enough self-worth issues to last more than a lifetime. I have it from family, I have it from friends that I no longer associate with, and I have it from partners (mostly ex).

This is something that I want to fix, but I’m not really sure how. I keep blindly poking along, trying to figure out how to do so… to the point of fatigue, to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore. That’s where I am… I feel stuck. I want to do these things, but I can’t even begin to figure out where to start or how to go about it. How does one get self-worth back when it’s been repeatedly taken from you?

I seriously don’t know. I want to be a better version of me. I want to be a version of me that knows what I’m worth that knows that I’m worth what I have. That’s hard to do when you’ve been told your whole life that you’re not worth much. So, I’m working on figuring that out. It may get done. I want it bad enough that I am willing to work as hard as possible to make it happen.

Sometimes I Feel…

I’ve been thinking as of late… about things I probably shouldn’t be. I’ve stayed too long in the dark recesses of my brain. I wish that I didn’t necessary feel the need to do so, but sometimes that’s just how it goes.

I’ve been talking, as of late, of confronting some of the truly shitty parts of my life. It’s not a place I relish, but it’s a place that simply exists. I’ve been thinking about going back to those horrid citadels of pain that I remember from my childhood. Those places where I was beaten, I was neglected. I’m not sure if that includes my home up until I was 7. I have visited there since. While it is the place where my mom would try to kill herself and it was the place where my dad used to beat me with a wire hanger, for some reason it doesn’t seem to have a dark haze about it.

Sure, it’s the place where I had to grow up quickly. I had no choice, after all. My mom wasn’t really there and my dad didn’t have the maturity to be there, he also worked the graveyard shift, so he really wasn’t there. But I also have a lot of good memories. I would get up early to watch very early morning cartoons… maybe that was indicative of my issues with sleep, now that I think about it. It’s where we would play Atari. I had friends that I would go and hang out at their place. We’d watch movies and play together.

As dysfunctional as it was, it was also where I grew up.

Then there’s the place in Antioch. I spent a year there. That was one year of hell. It was a year where I was the whipping boy. I was constantly beaten or humiliated for nothing. It’s the place where my mom wouldn’t help me when I was being beaten… even as I was pleading with her to do something, anything to make it stop.

Then there’s the first high school I went to.

For some reason, that place fills me with a dread that… I’m not sure if I can name it. I haven’t been back to the school since I left it at the end of my sophomore year. The thought of going there… I have mixed feelings. I feel like I need to go there. There’s something that I need to reckon with there. There’s something so dark and black that I almost flunked tenth grade. I barely showed up to school because going there made me panic. I couldn’t sleep on school nights. I’d stay up until 4 in the morning, only to wake up 2.5 hours later.

I know going there will be incredibly powerful. It’s not something that I do with any great relish. I do it because there’s a very real need. I feel bound by my rape. It’s something that I can no longer abide. I need to stand up to this.

Then I think about why I’m so fucking damaged. This is something that I am so angry about. A good part of it is that I feel like I allowed it to happen to me. It’s so problematic that I have a hard time thinking that there isn’t something so horrible about me. That I deserved the 25 years of abuse. That I deserved every unkind word, every slap, every punch… I deserved to sleep on a drafty floor while I had the flu.

This bothers me. This makes me feel irreparably broken. While I know I didn’t deserve it, I don’t believe it. I still think that I deserve it… I think that I deserve it when a partner treats me like shit. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t allow for that. I’m so very tired of feeling like I’m some horribly evil person that deserves nothing but bad things. I try not to be that person. I try to look past it. For some reason lately, I can’t anymore. It’s in my face.
I think I know why too…

So, this my new thing. Go back. Face those stupid demons. Try to move on to a healthier and happier life. That might be asking for too much, but I have to try. There’s nothing wrong with trying.

Need a refresher course? Can’t remember what happened last? New to the story?
Well, you can catch up over here.

As always, this story is copyright to Emily Rush on the date of publication. All rights reserved. Now get in there and read some story.

He beckons his boyfriend rest on his chest. His boyfriend’s eyes looked like a mixture of fear and passion. He slowly lowers his head on to his chest. The boy’s hands caress their boyfriend’s head. He looks back at the boy. He subconsciously bites his lower lip. The boy leans forward to kiss his lips. First the boy’s kiss is gentle. But with each kiss it becomes more and more passionate.

Their boyfriend isn’t sure if he should join in or simply watch. Either way, this was going to be quite hot. The more that he thought about it, he realized that it might be for the best for him to join in. Even if he just watched, he would still be turned on by watching. Is this what he really wanted though.

He leans forward and whispers, “Are you sure you want this right now?”

His boyfriend looks at him with his eyes wide open. He shakes his head nervously.

“No?”, he asks.

“N-no… b-but i-it is h-hot…”, his boyfriend responds.

“Then we don’t have to do it.”, he says.

He leans back into the boy’s chest. He sighs deeply. He closes his eyes as he rests on his chest.

“What is it?”, the boy whispers as he kisses his neck.

“He’s still not ready for it, even if he thinks it’s hot.”, he says.

He sits up and rests his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

His boyfriend looks down and then at the boy. It’s almost as though he’s ashamed of the fact that he’s not interested in the threesome.

“I-I’m sorry.”, his boyfriend says quietly.

“No. It’s OK. You never know until you’re there if you’re ready for it.”, the boy says.

The boy places a hand on their boyfriend’s upper thigh.

“We’ll do this when you’re ready.”, he said, still resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

His boyfriend hurriedly nodded.

“B-but… W-well…”, his boyfriend started.

He paused for a moment, not sure if he really meant what he was about to say.

“I-if y-you w-wanted to continue…” his boyfriend continued, “I w-wouldn’t m-mind w-watching…”

He tried to stifle a laugh.

The boy laughed.

Their boyfriend looked at both of them unsure about what was funny.

“It’s not anything you said.” he tells his boyfriend, kissing his neck.

“Not at all. I’m not sure if either of us are ready for that step yet. Am I right?” the boy said looking at him while caressing their boyfriend’s leg.

I’ve been kicking around a story in my head for about a month now… so I’ve decided to actually write it. There will be more. It’s just in the beginning stages. I hope you enjoy this teaser.

“Are you sure about this? I’m… I’m not so…” I say as I look around the crowded large room.

“It’ll be fine. You just need to get out there.” He says as he grabs my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

I take a moment and take a deep breath and close my eyes. I let the sounds of everything around me to start to settle in. I can hear loud thumping music… actually, that’s all I can hear. No voices, just music. I slightly open one eye and let the bright lights occasionally seep in before going dark again.

I open both eyes and focus on what’s ahead of me. It’s a large room filled with the aforementioned music. People are writhing in time to thee music. Some are more on rhythm than others. The room feels hot and humid. The heat is being generated from all the bodies, creating an interesting humidifier. I can feel the music through the floor. The bass isn’t quite so loud that it’s an all-out assault, but it feels like a gentle massage through the air and floor. Off in the distance is the low-lit lifeboat that is the bar.

“Are you sure you can do this?” he asks.

I survey the room once again. I slowly nod.

“You can do this. You have this.” I think.

“I… Yeah, I can do this.” I say allowed.

I take another deep breath, and take a step forward.


Communication Conundrum

There are days where I just want to shake my fist at the world. I’ve always been told that life wasn’t fair. That was the mantra through out my childhood… as I was beaten and abused.

Yeah, life’s not fair. I get that.

So, when do I get a chance at not dealing with crap?

I still ask myself that… just less frequently. I do now as I’m dealing with a situation that was entirely preventable if there had been communication.

And this is where I start thinking maybe I’m some kind of freak. Like I’m some kind of aberration to the norm. I like to communicate. It’s so important that I will do it regardless of comfort to myself. I’ve been having to go past my comfort zones communication wise. I’ve had to talk about difficult things. I did it because they need to be talked about, regardless.

I always find it weird when people are surprised with my communication. Doesn’t everyone communicate freely?

Am I so weird because I can communicate more openly?

Is it so weird that my relationship with my SO is as communicative as it is?

I’m starting to think that we’re just fucking weird. We feel a need to keep talking to each other. To keep the conversation going to make sure that we’re on the same page.

I thought that was normal. I still find it weird for me when people don’t talk about things. Then I need to remember, that maybe I’m the weird one… because maybe I am.

When has it become a thing for us to not talk? When did we decide that shutting down or diverting conversation is easier than dealing with things?

Maybe this is stuff that I learned on my own. Now that I think about things in my childhood, I realize that I wasn’t taught to communicate. My mom used to tell my stepdad everything I’d say… even though I asked her not to. You would think that after that breach of trust that I would be more reluctant to actually be more forthcoming. That’s not how it worked though. I feel like it’s even more important to talk about things now.

Maybe I’m just weird, I don’t know…

Shut Up Brain…

What is happening right now?

Well… Life is interesting now. Not fun, just interesting.

Last week I was triggered by one of my partners. This wasn’t an intentional triggering. It did trigger me all the same. So, now I get to deal with a lot of the issues that come with being triggered. The least fun one being flashbacks.

Now, flashbacks in the past have been things play out in my head. I feel bad about it because there’s nothing I can do to fix them. They occasionally happen. I mentally tell myself that they’re not happening each time they do occur. They start to occur less frequently and I feel better. It wasn’t a great system, but it helped me get through it.

This time they’ve decided to be more persistent… more invasive, and much more frequent. I find myself often and randomly falling into a flashback. It’s not something that’s just playing out in my head, its overlaying reality. Perhaps it’s the reason why I’m triggered that’s causing this. I start feeling both my age and that I’m a kid again at the same time. I feel like I’m alone again, that I have to deal with things by myself because there is no one else… even though I know that’s not true either.

This is a surreal situation, and frankly, I feel entirely out of my depth on this.

I’m working on handling this the best way that I can, but it’s difficult. It’s because this triggering is so different. Maybe it’s also because of whom triggered me. I don’t know.

I’m just working on hanging in there. This situation is really weird and is a bit unnerving. I wish I knew what I was doing. This being a first time for this, I feel completely out of my depth. I’m trying to figure out where to begin. I just don’t think that such a place exists.

So, I’m doing what I can. I’m figuring it out. I take it each flashback at a time. It sucks. I hate being in this place. It’s also what I need to do. I will say this. This is hardly fun or enjoyable. In many ways I feel like life just wants me to have the middle finger for a bit for who knows what reason. I can handle this… I just wish I didn’t have to handle this.


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