I’m feeling on edge right now. I feel as though I’m back in a spot that I took myself out of many years ago. I don’t think I’m a victim, but I also still feel incredibly thin-skinned. There are certain names that when I see them I find myself dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. I’m still “dealing with it” because I haven’t been given the time to heal.
In many ways, I want to fall off the face of the Earth. It doesn’t help that there are people who are helping with that and don’t realize that they’re doing it. I can’t blame them for not knowing. When I’m hurt by someone I usually don’t really talk about it except for a select few people. I never name names to the general public because it’s for me to deal with. It’s no one else’s problem. So, I often stay mum.
Then there are moments where I feel the need to rage. This is one of those moments.
I see this person’s name and I want to put my fist through my monitor. I want to beat the ever-loving shit out of this person. He has repeatedly drug my name through the mud for his own amusement or sense of vengeance or whatever happy story he tells himself to help himself make it through the day. I don’t really care.
It doesn’t hurt that this person made me a pariah. He did it because he could. I watched him do it to other people. And while I didn’t agree with it, I didn’t speak out when he was doing it. I admit, in that sense I was complicit in his abuse of others. That’s not really a surprise given my history of abuse. It’s always hard for the abused (either current of past) to speak out against abusers. All one can do is sit and watch and feel powerless.
That’s where I was. I felt awful for the other people’s names he was dragging through the mud. And I had my part in it by not speaking up. I acknowledge that. I feel awful about it.
I’ve also learned from that. I will tell people when I feel that things are getting gossipy. I will now tell people I think it’s not OK.
Because it’s not.
But this person… he still gets under my skin. And a part of that is partly because at last I looked he couldn’t let go.
And I have. I don’t consider him a friend. I consider him a person that I want nothing to do with. I don’t need people like him in my life. I had them in my life and realized that I deserved so much more. I took a serious look at myself (a hard thing to do when one is still hurting).
And it took time. I’m still taking a good long look at myself and seeing where I can be a better person. There’s so much crap in this world, I don’t need to help contribute to it.
But right now, I just want to fall off the face of this Earth. I don’t want to be here anymore. I try to maintain a certain degree of calm in my life. I just can’t right now. I’m barraged by all the feelings of inadequacy that this person helped create in my life. I had lost a good 10 pounds and felt great about myself and how I looked. I wanted to do something that celebrated my body and he told me that I was too fat for that.
Yeah, he told someone who lost a good amount of weight they were too fat.
He called me a drug whore on a public forum because I said something provocative. He slut-shamed me. This person isn’t some awesome guy that should be looked up to.
This person is vile.
Now, granted, enough time’s past and that could have changed. And if he gave me an apology tomorrow I would accept it. He would no longer be someone I want nothing to do with. He would simply be some person. I wouldn’t be his friend. I would just acknowledge him.
I can’t be friends with people who helped contribute to hole that I have only begun being out of.
You may call it being thin-skinned or not really dealing with it or what have you.
But what was done to me is not acceptable to do to anyone.