I seem to still be dealing with the after-effects of my latest bout of dealing with my PTSD, I figured that I would write about it again. Largely because it’s taken me back to a interesting place. I didn’t think that it would be possible, but I guess anything’s possible.
That joke so touched a psychological nerve that, for some reason, I feel fairly similar to the way I did back then… back in high school. I feel the same apathy that seemed to indicative of most people in the nineties. Of course this comes with all the same trappings it did then as well… particularly the desire to just not feel. The wish to be completely numb.
Or perhaps that particular wish stems from the countless nights of not being able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning… only to need to wake up at 7:30.
I thought that I had overcome this back when I finally went to therapy when I was 18. When I could finally talk about it. What’s odd is that talking about it now doesn’t elicit the same response it did when I was in high school… so why do I have the same emotional response?
Maybe I had a more visceral reaction to the joke than I had realized. That the very act of just reading it and having the exact feeling I had turned in to some crude punchline…
Maybe that did it.
I’m not really sure why or how it came up… Yet here I am. Keeping the same night-time schedule I did then. Staying up late, trying to distract myself, calm myself down so I can get some sleep before school. Except it’s no longer school. It’s work.
So, what can I do to be rid of this?
Well, being numb certainly sounds like an ideal way to deal with it… but not the greatest. Talking about it, isn’t exactly an option. After all, I can talk about the initial assault with no problem.
So what can I do? Where can I go?
Do I just need to ride this out? How long is this going to go on?
I’m hoping that by doing this, maybe just maybe this will help me get past it. Who knows. The desire to be completely numb grows. To numb my emotions, just enough so I don’t have to feel this way. What a great and lofty goal… and one that can’t easily be achieved… or rather not legally achieved. And, while it certainly was an idea I repeatedly entertained all through out high school and part of college, I can’t seem to make myself want to go to those depths. Perhaps it’s because I’m in a better place now than I ever was then.
I say that as a good thing.
I hope that some time soon I can finally get sleep. I can break this insomnia. I can stop having these same thoughts over and over. My brain can stop fearing sleep and once again enjoy it.
How nice that would be. So, I guess it’s all about perseverance now, isn’t it?