Once again, I’m stuck with this whole heart/head disagreement. Now, this is because my head is always expecting the other shoe to drop… like all the time. Now, this is largely because for every good thing that’s happened, something worse has happened. Is that the case here? Probably not.
I think what this boils down to is that I have anxiety issues.
I know I’ve talked a lot about being triggered and dealing with that ad the depression, but I haven’t actually talked about my anxiety issues. More importantly, I have social anxiety issues. I’m never sure if I’m screwing up socially. So, I always feel like I’ve screwed up unless I get direct feedback. This used to be a bigger issue when I was younger. I can generally figure out if I’ve done something wrong in social situations, thanks to being empathic.
But anytime I’m engaging in non-one-on-one communication, I’m never sure. I start feeling totally unsure of myself and my anxiety kicks in. It’s something that I work on, but there are moments where it kicks in hard. I dealt with that today.
So… what do I do?
I honestly have no clue. Thanks to years of emotional abuse, I almost always think that I’m a huge screw up. That’s what I was always told… that and that I was also not attractive. That’s a thought process that I’ve been getting better about, but I have negative body issues from that.
What’s more…? I hate being anxious like this. It becomes very physically and emotionally tiring. I almost feel like want to emotionally shut down, this is especially true when I actually have a panic attack. It’s also not something that just goes away. It lingers. It then makes me depressed. The funny thing, I don’t know where else this could have from besides the abuse and rape.
So, why did I start feeling this yesterday?
I don’t know. That’s really it. Maybe my fear got the best of me, no clue where it came from. Thankfully… I’m starting to find that writing is helping me sort out my thoughts better. More importantly, it helps organize otherwise all-over-the-place thoughts. It also gets me to feel how absurd the thinking really can be. Usually, it’s more something in my head than it is something based in reality. I know that, but it’s hard to turn it off once it’s started.
But I’m trying. Trying is all I can really do when it comes to negative emotional feedback. I am learning that doing this, writing, is really therapeutic. I might start doing that more when it does happen. It’s good to know that I have another outlet besides just going through it.