in-love-with-death

I don’t know why I’m writing this… I’m not sure how much stock I put into things manifesting itself because I’m asking for it. I don’t know if it’s happened in my life. But I’m feeling at a loss as a whole lately, so I’m grasping on to whatever straws I can.

Dear Universe or whatever benevolent spirit is out there,

I need to ask for something. This isn’t something I normally do, but I’m trying new things. It’s starting to seem to me that work alone doesn’t always net the response one would think it does. That’s not to say that I’m going to stop any work that I’m doing. It’s simply saying that with my work, I’m going to try this manifesting thing. I don’t want something that is just handed to me.

First thing, I’m going to keep working on my issues with depression and anxiety… but most importantly depression. I’ve been trying to work past this. Granted it has been greatly exacerbated as of a month ago. I understand that depression tends to be more of an ebb and flow… and I’m thinking that it’s ebbing. I would like the flow to be a bit longer.

Secondly, I want to write for a living. I want a job that makes me soul sing every morning. I want to wake up and sit at my computer and do what I love so much. I don’t mind starting with an internship and moving up… I just want to write.

Thirdly, NO MORE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE, PERIOD. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. I’m tired of being consistently treated like shit. It might have taken me far too many years to be able to admit this, but I don’t deserve this shit. I don’t. I deserve partners who love and respect me. Thankfully, that’s what I have now.

Finally, I need more patience. This is something I’ve mentioned before… and mostly ad nauseam, I know. This time I’m not referring to circumstances. This time, I need more patience with people. I need to learn that things can take time, and that’s OK… especially when it comes to partners and other people in general. I also need the patience to realize that not everyone is going to be on the same track as I… and that’s OK. More importantly, I have to allow time to flow and let relationships find where they’re supposed to be. This is hard for me, but this is something that I need to find peace with. It feels like things are starting to find where they are supposed to be, I just need to wait.\

These are the things I want to manifest in my life, but not necessarily in this precise order. (No, really, I would really love the job thing to happen first.) So, I guess now we wait, right? OK… totally working on that final part again. Time to practice my patience.

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