This year has been fairly brutal so far. If there’s one thing that I could say that this year has had more than anything else, it’s definitely hurt. It’s something that I’ve once again become intimately aware of. Of course, it’s not by my own choice. I had to deal with things that I find unacceptable, period. I don’t do lying and I don’t do deception.
All of that, of course, hits on other buttons that are from incredibly bad parts of my life, including the feeling that I’m not worthy enough for anyone to really want to be with me. That everyone will just leave me. This is a running theme in my life. Not surprisingly, this hits on some pretty deep-seated pain. So, I’m still working through that.
For the most part, I’m generally OK. I can typically handle things. But then I have this thing that I call brain chatter. This is the negative voice telling me how horrible a person I am. That no one really wants to be around me because not even my parents really wanted to be. While I know that there is no validity to what’s being said (at least as far as right now is concerned), it is still hard to trudge through on a daily basis. I try to ignore it, but sometimes it just won’t disappear.
More than anything right now, I want to hurt to be gone. I want to be able to enjoy what I do have right now… and I have some pretty awesome things right now. I want that tinge of sadness to be gone. I don’t need it in my life. And while I could have probably prevented it and been passed it, that’s not what happened. And while I could what if things to death, I don’t think that’s going to really help anything.
I just need to process all the hurt and pain. Then I need to really accept the things that are in my life now. Accept things as they are and not some silly schoolgirl ideal. I know it’s going to take some time. I’ll get there. I’m hoping that I can process this all out soon.
I’m pretty done with the hurt.