Tag Archive: childhood trauma


Life… Life is a funny thing. Sometimes it can be great, filled with wonderful highs. Sometimes it’s filled with tragedy.

I’ve seen quite a few tragedies in my time, perhaps too many. I can’t make that judgment all myself, as I have no real outside way to know.

These tragedies have led to a lot of how I deal with things in my life… and it all contributed to my CPTSD. Honestly, I wish I could have had a more normal life. I wish I had a supportive family, no abuse, didn’t have a parent who was trying to kill me as well as themselves.

It can be overwhelming and difficult to deal with.

They become psychological triggers that create very real and difficult issues that make life a lot more difficult to deal with.

Recently I was triggered about my mom’s 5150 when I was like 6/7-years-old. It’s something that I remember with such clarity. It even came as a flashback over my reality. Flashbacks aren’t fun. You see and essentially go back and re-experience that moment again. It’s not fun… to say the least.

But I’m still dealing with the harsh reality of it all.

For me, this was the ultimate moment of being abandoned. I understand that my mom didn’t really have any control over the situation. I do. But between that and her trying to kill my sister and myself…

Yeah.

So, the bigger deal with this is that this has given me some deep-seated abandonment issues.

It’s a deal.

That shouldn’t be too terribly surprising. My mom disappeared from my life for a year during a formative part of my childhood. This happened a lot when I was younger. My mom would just not be there… even though I didn’t quite know where she was. This was the final straw. She was in a hospital. I was in an abusive household where I was borderline tortured for a year.

What did that tell me?

That not only did my own mother not want me around, but I wasn’t even important enough to be put somewhere safer.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I try to deal with the feelings that are tied to this as best I can… it’s a lot of work.

Thankfully, I do have some good ways to cope. One of them happens to be what I’m doing here. Write it out. Put it into words. Put it on some paper… or some pixels.

I’m working through it and trying to make it through what I have to work with.

It’s hard, but it’s a struggle that I continue with. And I take it day by day and moment by moment.

ritsuka crying

Screenshot from Loveless

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Orihime

Orihime from BBleach

There are some things that I have always wondered why I have some deeply embedded beliefs. Some of them I haven’t the slightest idea of where they come from… like the thought that my life will be much shorter than most will be. And, more importantly, my brain has been putting together the pieces of why I have the belief that I will always be alone.

For the longest time, I had absolutely no idea where the thought came from. It was something that my brain latched on to and wouldn’t let go. At the time, I thought that maybe it was because I was a teenager. I was raped. And I was in a school that I didn’t want to go to and wasn’t happy with. It felt like I was you standard disaffected teenager in the nineties.

Unfortunately, the belief never went away after I changed schools, or even after I was no longer a teenager. It has been persistent throughout my life… and until recently, I didn’t understand where it came from.

The more that I have learned about my childhood, and the more that I’ve remembered, the more that I’ve been able to untangle some pretty bad behavior that I’ve developed as a coping mechanisms. Trying to unlearn things that have kept you alive for so many years is hard… not impossible, but incredibly hard. Especially as so much of it has become such a fundamental part of one’s self. It’s something that I’ve been striving to do… to make myself a better version of myself.

So, how did the belief that I will always be lonely come to pass?

Well, this was such an incredibly easy thing to untangle… and I think to a certain degree, I’ve always known. The belief that I will always be alone stems from the fact that I largely have been. My mom checked out when I was pretty young. My dad was never really around because of his work schedule. The love that I was supposed to see when I was younger, never was really there. So, I’m guessing that had a huge effect on my belief of if I deserve to be loved and have people/family in my life.

I don’t remember my mom being around all that much. And, I think, to a certain degree, I think somewhere in my subconscious, I was aware of what my mom was trying to do. My mom didn’t even think that it was worth it to stop me from being beaten for something that I never did or being unduly punished for being a child. My dad was as equally there. I didn’t have the emotional nourishment that I needed as a child. I was alone in the world as a kid, so why would that change as an adult?

Well, one thing that I’ve been learning as I get older and having different, more wonderful people come into my life, is that maybe the belief that I deserve to be alone might actually be wrong. I don’t know if I’ve started getting comfortable with this. This is largely because my brain keeps going back to the old familiar feeling… because it’s familiar.

How does one undo something that’s such a fundamental part of oneself?

I honestly don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It’s possible that positive reinforcement and psychological conditioning can help with this. And, maybe that’s just what I need. We’ll see. There’s only one way to find out.