Tag Archive: childhood


A Childhood Want

elfquest

Suntop, Skywise, Cutter, Leetah, and Ember all sleeping

If I was to think back to when I had my first experience with poly in any form, I would have to say that it went back to when I was in middle school. My friends were just getting into Elfquest. It was something so very new. My mom wouldn’t let me read comics when I was a kid because they were evil or something. In all fairness, I have no idea why they were considered so bad. The storylines at that point were still fairly simplistic.

There were three characters that shared a loving V relationship. They are Cutter, Skywise, and Leetah. The connection point between Leetah and Skywise is Cutter as he’s the one with the intimate relationship with the other two.

I didn’t realize how profoundly the image of the three of them sleeping was for me. After all, I never had that closeness when I was younger, despite how much I wanted to feel like people wanted to be close to people.

There was something comforting about the relationship between the three of them, that just made me feel… I don’t know… comforted. I think that would be the most accurate, especially because at that point in my life, I didn’t even have a good place when I was home with my birth family.

It’s funny, because I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to have a warm and loving family. I didn’t really have that experience when I was a child. A majority of my childhood was chaos and anger and fear. It was everything that you would never want to have as a child. Looking at a picture of Leetah, Cutter, and Skywise sleeping peacefully with Leetah and Cutter’s children…

It’s something that I desired when I was a child. It’s never something I really experienced nor do I have a conscious moment of when I was younger. There was a lot of anger, pain, and fighting… but never a sense of peace of serenity. Never a sense of what I hear is supposed to be what it means to be in a family. The strife that I dealt with when I was younger has made me a bit more standoffish than I think anyone should be.

Life does seem to have a way of righting itself some of the time. While chaos will always be a part of life (as much as I dislike it), It is possible for things to right themselves. The peace that I saw in that picture, the love that I saw in that relationship… that seems to be within reach. I keep hoping and waiting patiently to have that an image like that of my own… and it’s possible that maybe I can have that family. It’s certainly something that I want more than anything. I want to have in my adulthood all the things that my childhood never presented me. I want constancy. I want a warm and loving environment. I want people who will actually love me, make me feel like I’m loved regardless.

All it took was a simple picture of three people sharing a loving moment…

Communication Conundrum

There are days where I just want to shake my fist at the world. I’ve always been told that life wasn’t fair. That was the mantra through out my childhood… as I was beaten and abused.

Yeah, life’s not fair. I get that.

So, when do I get a chance at not dealing with crap?

I still ask myself that… just less frequently. I do now as I’m dealing with a situation that was entirely preventable if there had been communication.

And this is where I start thinking maybe I’m some kind of freak. Like I’m some kind of aberration to the norm. I like to communicate. It’s so important that I will do it regardless of comfort to myself. I’ve been having to go past my comfort zones communication wise. I’ve had to talk about difficult things. I did it because they need to be talked about, regardless.

I always find it weird when people are surprised with my communication. Doesn’t everyone communicate freely?

Am I so weird because I can communicate more openly?

Is it so weird that my relationship with my SO is as communicative as it is?

I’m starting to think that we’re just fucking weird. We feel a need to keep talking to each other. To keep the conversation going to make sure that we’re on the same page.

I thought that was normal. I still find it weird for me when people don’t talk about things. Then I need to remember, that maybe I’m the weird one… because maybe I am.

When has it become a thing for us to not talk? When did we decide that shutting down or diverting conversation is easier than dealing with things?

Maybe this is stuff that I learned on my own. Now that I think about things in my childhood, I realize that I wasn’t taught to communicate. My mom used to tell my stepdad everything I’d say… even though I asked her not to. You would think that after that breach of trust that I would be more reluctant to actually be more forthcoming. That’s not how it worked though. I feel like it’s even more important to talk about things now.

Maybe I’m just weird, I don’t know…