Tag Archive: LGBT


What is Maturity?

Intimate

Ciel and Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler)

This week had been interesting… as has every weekend since 8.November.2016. However, this week has been particularly of note for me.

This is the week that the GOP’s token gay man has been ousted from his lofty position. He used to be a senior editor at Breitbart… but in all honesty, I can’t feel too bad for him. He is, after all, a racist, xenophobic, transmisogynistic douche. I’m almost 100% sure that he hated himself.  But more than anything, he’s a troll. With a video that’s been bouncing around there, he lost his book deal, speaking at a conservative convention, and his livelihood.

So, how, pray tell, did he manage this?

By simply going on a syndicated radio talk show and sounding like a spokesperson for NAMBLA spokesman.

So, how did this all come about?

Well he said that every 13-year-old boy should be allowed to have a sexual relationship with older men. Now, keep in mind, this conversation happened on national, syndicated radio. When he was pressed to explain, he doubled down on his pedophilia comment. He didn’t roll it back, or qualify it.

So, what does this have to do with yours truly?

He engaged in an oral sex relationship at the age of thirteen (as many of you know, that’s how I was raped at the age of thirteen).

So, I might just be a wee bit sensitive about that. Because of that one moment, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by the same person until I was sixteen and intentionally fell off his radar. (For those playing along, that would be until just about my senior year of high school.)

So, before I continue this conversation, I feel like I should explain the differences between my situation and why that matters.

I was raped. After I was raped, my rapist decided that he would use his leverage to get laid whenever he wanted because I wasn’t sure if he would kill me or hurt me again. This persisted for almost 4 years.

This is different because there was no consent (legally or otherwise) … and it persisted, much to my personal shame and emotional pain. While he was older than me, I don’t think it would have been considered pedophilia until he finally turned 18, and I was 15/16-years-old… and even then, it’s iffy. It becomes more like statutory rape…

Regardless, this is important to what happened and how we can watch as the mighty garrote themselves.

So, why does this matter now, especially with Komrad Pussygrabber in office?

Simply this, we now know how low the GOP had fallen. There are any number of things that this person is guilty of, all which progressives are willing to call them out on. But for conservatives, pedophilia is a bridge too far.

We live in a topsy-turvy world these days. Things that should be beyond the pale are now ok (neo-Nazis, anti-Semitism, transmisogyny). Where do we draw that line? We know where the GOP does. What about the rest of us?

NAMBLA

Milo might have also approved of this poster… no really, enjoy the irony of this poster.

 

Hey, here’s some more of this story for your perusal. Are you new to this? Forgot about how we got to here? You can find the previous installments here.

As before, this work is copyright to Emily Rush. All rights reserved… yada yada yada.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unfortunately, nothing seems to be able to lull him into slumber.

He sighs as he looks over at his boyfriend and the boy. Their bodies bathed in the night lights of Shinjuku.

His thoughts continued left off where they were before trying to sleep. He never did think he was anything special. It’s not that he was treated poorly by his family, somehow damaging his psyche and making him think he was worse than he was. He just never really thought of himself as particularly fetching. Now, it’s true that he did manage to have a series of girlfriends after the dissolution of the relationship with that upper classman’s sister. So, to a certain degree he knew that he was at least some what attractive.

But certainly nowhere as attractive as his boyfriend. He didn’t think that it was humanly possible for anyone to be that attractive. It took him some time to accept that not only was it possible, but that boy was also his.

That boy still is his.

That thought made a smile break on his face.

So, when his boyfriend’s boyfriend says he thinks he’s attractive and is interested in more than we’re dating the same boyfriend with him…

He tucks his arms under his head.

He then thinks about talking to the boy earlier. Both of them outside. The boy asking for something he never expected. Then he thinks about talking to the boy outside the bedroom. What it felt like to kiss him, to feel his body next to his. It was more arousing than he was expecting it to be. Was that because he might be interested in the boy as well or was it because a boy that was interested in his boyfriend could also be interested in him as well.

He wasn’t entirely sure what the case was.

He did know that he didn’t mind feeling the boy’s lips and hands on his mostly naked body. He would even like to do more in the future. The boy was certainly good-looking, more ruggedly handsome than androgynous. It also surprised him that he would think someone who was more manly would be attractive to him. After all, it was his boyfriend’s androgynous and sometimes almost feminine features that first piqued his interest.

And what did he have… Sure, he was good-looking, but nothing like his boyfriend. So, why him?

This was certainly an answer he could figure out on his own… after all, he wasn’t the boy.

He sighs deeply as he whispers, “If I focus on this I’m not going to be able to sleep. This is definitely something that I can’t answer myself.”

He turns over on his side, facing both his boyfriend and the boy.

He takes a deep breath as he looks at the two of them. This is the first time where it has been right in his face. He’s known that the two of them have been together. He’s seen them together in a less intimate locale. But here it is, all of them sleeping in the same bed. He sucks in his breath as he is finally confronted with something he wasn’t expecting to feel… deep-seated jealousy. He’s seen them together before. Most of those times he was accompanied by his fiancé.

Well, ex-fiance now. There was no turning back. He couldn’t let his boyfriend go, not this time.

I’ve been kicking around a story in my head for about a month now… so I’ve decided to actually write it. There will be more. It’s just in the beginning stages. I hope you enjoy this teaser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure about this? I’m… I’m not so…” I say as I look around the crowded large room.

“It’ll be fine. You just need to get out there.” He says as he grabs my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

I take a moment and take a deep breath and close my eyes. I let the sounds of everything around me to start to settle in. I can hear loud thumping music… actually, that’s all I can hear. No voices, just music. I slightly open one eye and let the bright lights occasionally seep in before going dark again.

I open both eyes and focus on what’s ahead of me. It’s a large room filled with the aforementioned music. People are writhing in time to thee music. Some are more on rhythm than others. The room feels hot and humid. The heat is being generated from all the bodies, creating an interesting humidifier. I can feel the music through the floor. The bass isn’t quite so loud that it’s an all-out assault, but it feels like a gentle massage through the air and floor. Off in the distance is the low-lit lifeboat that is the bar.

“Are you sure you can do this?” he asks.

I survey the room once again. I slowly nod.

“You can do this. You have this.” I think.

“I… Yeah, I can do this.” I say allowed.

I take another deep breath, and take a step forward.

 

While I was at Comic Con last weekend, I attended a lot of LGBTQ panels. They were actually pretty good and I enjoyed being in each one. I also started thinking a lot more about my journey. Like the why and how of my sexuality and gender expression, I feel like I need to write this out in trying to understand myself better… especially since this is how I process best.

I was raised in a somewhat religious household. While that wasnt really true for my early childhood and my later teenage years, it was certainly true in my pre-teen years. That might be why I tend to be so resistant to religion. Of course, this isn’t really about religion, is it?

It also might be one of the reasons that I’ve always treated sexuality with kid gloves. I lived in a very heteronormative household. It felt like the unspoken expectation was to always be normal… even though I didn’t understand what that met (and still don’t to this day). There was always this expectation that I would always have a boyfriend (as I am, kind of cis female, but more on that later). There was never any discussion of what if I want to date a girl or girls in general. It was always assumed that I would only want to date men.

Which is interesting. Whenever I had someone come out to myself as being something other than heterosexual, it never bothered me. My stepdad who abused me was bisexual. My best friend in high school was bisexual and came out to me first. It didn’t faze me when I heard it from either of them. I’ve always wondered why that was. If it was me being in denial, then I would have had a negative reaction. So, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t denying my sexuality. I think I just hadn’t really thought about it at the time… or even ever.

It seemed natural to me to find both men and women sexually attractive. When I fantasize, I see both as being equally hot. I still would like to date or do anything with women. Unfortunately the time vs. relationships thing is now a thing with 3 concurrent relationships.

So, maybe it’s that I’ve always kind of known that I was bisexual. I don’t know because I don’t remember there ever being any great revelation. It always kind of was. I didn’t have that lightbulb go off in my head the way it did with when I was poly.

It’s interesting because coming out as bisexual and poly happened pretty much at the same time… more or less. For poly, I had tried it before. It blew up horribly in my face because I had no idea what I was doing. It quickly became me being cheated on by an en boyfriend. He didn’t want to leave me, but wanted this other woman. Instead of being honest about what was going on, he would just do things. Now, even now after having done this for 11 years, I know that he cheated on me… though I’m pretty sure he would never admit that.

My first attempt was horrible. I decided that it wasn’t really for me. So, I tried to work at monogamous relationships… which I would repeatedly fail at, in all definitions of the word fail. Then my first “real” poly boyfriend introduced me to the Ethical Slut. I read it and actually had a lightbulb moment. It was one of those, “Yes, this makes total sense! This is exactly how I feel moments!” That is probably the only good thing to come out of that relationship, discovering that I was really poly.

Of course, after coming to terms with that, the boyfriend that I was dating monogamously had to try to wrap his head around not being mono. This is a hard transition. It really is. It probably would have been easier if he wasn’t so controlling and abusive. So he would always keep the brakes on when I would want to go on a date. It was at this time that he also told me, “You better not be bi too.”

At the time it seemed kind of innocuous.

As time passed after breaking up with him I realized that it seems more sinister. Like he knew he was losing control of me. That I wasn’t going to be there anymore to make him look better. He wasn’t going to be able to manipulate and put me down anymore… that time was running out. But there’s nothing more fun then being told that you can’t explore your own sexuality and that you can’t be who you are. As more time has passed, I resent him more and more for that statement than any other.

There’s always something that I’ve always felt awkward about. I’ve always felt awkward about my gender. Not in the way transgender people do. I’ve always shared a certain amount of both masculine and feminine features. It became more obvious once I was in middle school. My “friends” used to call me she male. Of course, this upset and hurt me because I was a girl. I was acting like I thought I should. I didn’t understand the concept of being overly feminine or overly girly. It hasn’t been until a couple of events more recently. One of them is because I am often around a greater variety of the LGBTQ community. I’m no longer stuck in a small echo chamber, but I now see a greater variety of people. It’s also because of my newest relationship that I feel more emboldened to explore my genderqueerness. I love that I’m getting support from all of my relationships to explore who I am.

I think I truly appreciate all of this because I’ve gone through so much bad crap in my life. It took me time to accept who I am. I wish I could have done so at a younger age (like many who learn these things when they were younger). I am so grateful that I am where I am in my life, that I have the people I do in my life. Sometimes I’m utterly blown away by what I have. I feel incredibly lucky or blessed or what have you. All I know is that I’m glad that they’re there.

Here we are again… another weekly round-up.

Life is getting busier now. I got me a press pass for the San Francisco International Film Festival. Now it’s about setting up interviews with people. This is both exciting and scary. I feel like things are actually starting to move forward for me. This is an incredibly scary thought. It’s continuing in to the unknown. If I want it bad enough, I’ll keep going. I really would like to write and not being in an office job.

More importantly, I’ve got plenty of writing that I’ve done over the last week. I will get some more writing up on Thursday.

Enjoy!

There are somethings that politicians say that make me think WTF.
Square Enix takes some sexy away.
Who can forget Torchwood?
This is a reassuring story.
Remember the “what gender is Sheik” question?
More politician WTF.
Business world scandals can be equally be interesting too.
If you hadn’t heard, Hillary Clinton is running.

That’s it for this week’s round-up. I hope you enjoy the articles. I’m pretty proud of all of them.

‘Til Thursday!

Are you curious about this story? Not sure how it began? Want to go back and re-read earlier installments?
Well, you can do that here.

As always, everything here is copyright Emily Rush. All rights reserved. Yada yada yada. Now go and read the story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“A little.”, he whispers into the boys ear.

He nips the boy’s ear.

The boy bites his lip.

“Lets go back into the room to do this. Otherwise, I’m just going to want to stay here…”, the boy says a little weakly.

He nods and starts to walk away. The boy refuses to let his hand go. He looks at the boy, down at their hands and back at the boy. The boy still keeps a hold of his hand.

“Are we going back?”, he asks.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”, the boy says, letting go of his hand.

He walks back to the boy and gently caresses his face.

“There will be more than this once we get back to our boyfriend.”, he says as he gently kisses the boy.

The boy nods. The boy is enjoying the tenderness that he receives from him.

“Lets go then.”, he says as he walks back towards the bathroom.

The boy takes a moment. He’s never seen him act with such gentleness before. It was pretty shocking to him. He’s always acted a bit more stoic. It’s possible that the fear he had from being in the closet might have forced him to be more introverted. There’s something about him that certainly seemed freer than it was before.

The boy shrugs it off and follows behind him.

He walks back into the room and plops down on the bed next to his boyfriend. His hands sits right on top of his. He looks down at their hands and then back into the eyes of his boyfriend. His hand moves to gently caress his boyfriend’s face.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see the boy re-enter the room.
“Here goes nothing…”, he thinks, “At least this will give me some idea…”

He sighs as the boy sits down behind him.

“Or this could backfire… Well, nothing ventured.”, he thinks.

The boys arms wrap around his body. He can feel the heat of the boy’s body from behind him. He leans back on to the boy’s chest while maintaining eye contact with his boyfriend. This was certainly more than he ever thought he would do. He never thought he would experience anything like this in his life… and here he is.

Here we are again, time for the round-up of other writing stuff I have done. This time it’s 2 weeks. This is longer than what I was planning. I’m still recovering from a respiratory virus. I apparently got worse than a cold, but better than bronchitis. On the plus side, I am on the mend. I still get moments of feeling pretty draggy and tired. Thankfully, I have today off. I can sleep and rest and relax. That is the plan.

So, what have I done in that time… I have a lot of stuff for you to read. I seem to be quite prolific. So, here we are.

A review of the memoir “My Avant-Garde Education”
Dr. Ben Carson Op-Ed
The embracing skeleton video
Skeleton Twins movie review
St. Patrick’s Day and the LGBT community
Elton John vs. Dolce & Gabbana
Planet Fitness really is a Judgment-Free Zone
LGBT offerings at Tribeca Film Festival
Another Op-Ed, this time about the staffer who sexually assualted 17 children
TBT: Ellen
Terry Pratchett’s death
Frank Underwood’s sexuality in “House of Cards”
Moar the Wicked + the Divine
LGBT characters represent on TV

I know, it’s a lot. It’s been a couple of weeks. I hope you enjoy reading more of my stuff. It’s been fun getting to write like this. I hope that I get to keep doing this. I wake-up every morning excited to go to work.

Huzzah to that!

Interested in what you’ve been reading? Want to read more? Go here to read more.

And a reminder, this is copyrighted to Emily Rush on February 25, 2014. All rights reserved… yadayadayada
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I-I’m s-sorry…”, the boyfriend starts sounding more timid than usual, “I-I kn-know that y-you both c-care about m-me. I g-guess I-I’m s-still a l-little hurt.”

The boyfriend looks at him and places a reassuring hand on his leg.

“B-but… I w-want u-us a-all to b-be h-happy. S-so…”, the boyfriend continues.

He stops him by gently placing a finger over his lips.

“We can talk about this later.”, he says.

He replaces his finger with his lips.

“I want to make sure that we’re all ready for this.”, says the boy, “There’s no pressure to make any decision now. Come to it in your own time.”

He nods. His head a bit heavy from everything that’s happened today. The day has been quite eventful. It’s almost more than his brain can understand. He had outed himself to his fiancé and now his boyfriend’s boyfriend is asking about going out on a date. It’s certainly more than he expected out of the day. It almost comes across as too much. While he wants to hide from the fact that he may no longer have a family, he also appreciates that his boyfriend has toiled without one since he was in high school. He was disowned and thrown out, forced to fend for himself. If anything, he thinks that it’s given his boyfriend a certain kind of strength. The ability to stand on his own. While he likes how successful his family is, he also wonders what his boyfriend has gone through.

Granted, he also knew that it wouldn’t be the same as he would be disowned later and more capable of being on his own than his boyfriend was at the time.

All that matters now is that he’s where he feels like he belongs. At least, that’s what he thinks his boyfriend needs. After all of all the crap that happened in high school, he needs to make sure that his boyfriend feels loved.

The boy continues to scan back and forth between the two of them. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t seem to discern what would be an appropriate action. He doesn’t want to disturb them, at the same time he does need to know if he should stay or go.

“So…”, the boy says, “Should I leave you boys alone?”
He looks at his boyfriend and then back at the boy. While he would enjoy the time alone with his boyfriend, he also didn’t want his boyfriend to lose time with the boy.

The boyfriend looked down at the floor then back and forth between him and the boy. His movements spoke volumes about his insecurity and wish to have both boys.

As his boyfriend’s looking down at the floor he mutters,”W-would it b-be OK if y-you b-both w-were h-here tonight?”

He looks at the boy. He still feels ambivalent about the proposition. He’s certainly flattered, but it’s been some time since he’s thought about being attractive to other men. It will certainly be a bit more of an eye-opening evening with the boy staying.

Before, the dynamic between the three of them was simple. He didn’t expect to be anything more than just friends with the boy. It was a comfortable arrangement that seemed to be understood. The boy didn’t often spend time here. He and his boyfriend would go back to the boy’s apartment, leaving him alone. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked. Now that the boy has shown interest in him, he didn’t know what to think anymore. How should he act? He hadn’t said he was going to do anything with the boy yet. He wasn’t sure that would make his boyfriend happy. When the boy wanted to talk to him, he got the same heart-sinking sadness from his boyfriend that he had felt when they had to first part. It’s possible that he might have misunderstood his boyfriend’s feelings, but that was a risk he wasn’t comfortable taking. He already had felt as though he had put his boyfriend through enough pain. Thinking about doing anymore was almost unthinkable to him.

(To be continued)

New to this story? Haven’t read it in a while? Want to know how we got here? Wondering what other questions can be answered? Check out all earlier installments of the here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A moment passes after he asks the question. He already senses what the answer is. He would rather give his boyfriend the chance to answer than just make the assumption.

His boyfriend slowly nods.

He sat up again and turns his boyfriend’s head to face him. He can see the genuine looks of distress on his face. He knows in that instant, that moment all those years ago had left an indelible mark on his boyfriend’s psyche. As much as he wishes that moment had never happened, he’s left with an even more difficult obstacle to overcome. He needs to convince his boyfriend of his worth to him. That there isn’t anyone in this world that would make him want to leave his boyfriend. He had broken such an important thing. Coming back to it will require a bit of repair.

He turns his boyfriend’s face to look at him. Deep inside he feels hurt that he has to do this degree of repair. It hurts more than he could probably ever capably explain to anyone else. It’s a pain that’s borne from regret and betrayal; betrayal that he did. While he felt betrayed to find out his boyfriend was a host, he can’t imagine what it felt like for his boyfriend watching him with different girlfriends, incapable of saying how he felt, watching the object of your affection ignore your feelings.

“I’m not losing you again. I can’t imagine going through what we went through for the past few years. I haven’t decided whether I want to date your boy. If anything we will talk about it first. I want you.”, he says, holding his boyfriend’s face in his hands gently.

His boyfriend rested his head against his hands. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

He leans in closer. He can feel the heat radiating off his boyfriend’s skin. This familiar warmth, this comforting smell, these are the things that he’s longed for. It reminds him of those first awkward moments when they were first alone. All those feelings of desire, of wanting came flooding back. All he wanted was this beautiful boy in front of him.

His lips gently touch his boyfriend’s lips. The feel of his boyfriend’s lips against his, soft and engaging, made him feel deeply intoxicated. He began to kiss him deeper. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s strong shoulders, pulling him closer. If he could, he would drink every last drop of this boy. He wanted this boy so bad. Every sinew of his body began to ache for his boyfriend’s touch.

His boyfriend’s hand dropped into his lap. He could feel his boyfriend’s hand gently caress his inner thigh.

The boy sits down behind him. He can feel the boy close to his back. The boy rested his head against his bed, taking in his scent. This is the closest that the boy has been to him. His back felt so much stronger than the boy had ever imagined. The boy closed his eyes and listened to his heart. The boy dropped a hand down to take his boyfriend’s hand in his. He squeezed it tight. The boy then kissed his back, his strong back.

He rests his head against his boyfriend’s forehead.

“I know that me just telling you this isn’t enough. I know that I need to show you. I will.”, he says.

The boy moves around the couple. He sits between them. At this point, he isn’t sure if he would be considered the third wheel. His gaze moves between the two of them. He knows that there are things that they share that he could never really get between. In some ways he felt inadequate because his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s boyfriend have something that he would never have. For him, that was a mixed blessing. It meant that he could define a whole new relationship with his boyfriend. On the flip side of that coin it would be impossible to share things like his boyfriend and boyfriend’s boyfriend does. He knows that he’s the new one to this equation. It’s just a matter of waiting it out and seeing what happens, much like he’s doing to see if he can stay or not.

The boyfriend looks at him then at the boy, then back at him. He opens his mouth for a second as though he’s going to speak. He screws up his face as he realizes that he’s not sure what to say. He closes his mouth and sighs a sad sigh.

Welcome back to the story! If you want to see where we last left our characters or even interested in how we find ourselves in this predicament, feel free to go back and read here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He practically squirms in his seat trying to get some personal space.

The boy leans in and whispers, “I would love the pleasure of going out with you as well?”

He stops squirming.

“Are you serious? You’re…”, he starts again, a slight tremble is heard in his voice.

The boy simply nods.

“Why?”, he asks.

“At first I thought you were cute. The more time I’ve spent with you two, the more I have come to possibly harbor feelings for you as well.”, the boy explains, sitting down next to him.

“This…”, he says as he stands up, “This is just too much…”

The boy grabs his hand and squeezes it.

“You don’t need to give me an answer now. I know it’s a lot to take in right now.”, the boy says, his pale blue eyes piercing his prospective partner, “Take your time, talk to our boyfriend. Figure out what’s comfortable for you.”

He nods.

“We should go back inside…”, he says.

The boy stands up next to him, not letting go of his hand. As far as he’s concerned, he didn’t mind feeling the boys hand around his. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it just wasn’t something he was used to.

They both walked back in to their boyfriend’s apartment building.

“How could it come to this? When…”, he thought.

He remembers when he first saw the two of them together. It wasn’t that long given the scope of him and his boyfriend’s relationship. Given the events that happened recently, it seems so long ago. It was after their gig at the Gator Club. He and his boyfriend went out to get his fiancé and the boy.

At the time, he didn’t even suspect any form of dating or relationship. In many ways he just wanted to be with his boyfriend again. At that time, he still wasn’t quite sure what he really wanted. They really had one night of pure bliss that was interrupted by his realization of what he had just done. And though he had done it, he still didn’t feel guilt. It was a freedom and happiness that he longed for; something he felt that he had been missing since high school.

But to see this boy… this person that he met somewhere. He suspected that they had met at his boyfriend’s job, but he had never asked. He wasn’t entirely sure that was the truth of it. After all, men don’t usually frequent host clubs.

When he saw that this boy was with his boyfriend, he felt as though there was a heavy pit in his stomach. At the same time, he couldn’t blame him for finding someone new. After all, he was with his fiancé. It wouldn’t be fair to deny him something that he had, even if he wasn’t really happy with what he had.
(To be continued)