Tag Archive: life


A Life Update

give-me-money

Snoopy hopes for what all of us writers do. Image by Charles Schulz

It’s still been some time since I’ve been back here writing… and it’s something that I admit I haven’t been doing as well as I might. There are many reasons why I haven’t written all that much. My stress had been through the roof. And a large part of it for a long time was a dissolution of a relationship… and many things about that relationship specifically. Now that is done and I’ve done some work on building myself back up, that seems to be waning… even the stress to find a second part-time job.

I’ve also had a health issue. I am one week away from my final oral surgery to take care of dental issues. While I’m glad that it’s almost done, there’s a lot of anxiety surrounding it as well. And, even bigger, a lot of pain. Concentration has been difficult at best. I’m still dealing with the pain from my teeth which should hopefully be finished soon. Tooth pain sucks.

I also had to take a moment to look at myself. I had to admit that I was my own worst enemy when it comes to me not writing. Between my disappointment with people and dealing with a lot of personal demons that came out on Thanksgiving and knowing that no matter what, I don’t think I’ll ever really be excepted by my own family. I’ve tried so hard my whole life to be accepted by them. I guess I need to accept that they don’t necessarily care about who I am. That my sexuality and my gender identity doesn’t mean all that much to them.

That’s been the hardest part to accept. So, what do I do now?

That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?

Mostly, I’m going to keep on writing. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned recently, it’s that writing is probably the most important thing to me. I need to create worlds and stories. I need to create characters and watch them grow as the words continue to flow from my fingers. Not writing hasn’t been helpful to me. Writing is such a huge part of myself, so I need to do more of it.

After I recuperate from my surgery next week, I’ll attempt to write here at least once a week. I’ll also keep working on my screenplays and other writing. I have a new story that I’m still working on the beginning of. I will continue to work on that story that I posted the beginning of here. I’m going to keep on writing. Right now, that’s mostly what I have. I’ll have to figure everything else out, but for right now, I’m going to keep writing.

in-love-with-death

I don’t know why I’m writing this… I’m not sure how much stock I put into things manifesting itself because I’m asking for it. I don’t know if it’s happened in my life. But I’m feeling at a loss as a whole lately, so I’m grasping on to whatever straws I can.

Dear Universe or whatever benevolent spirit is out there,

I need to ask for something. This isn’t something I normally do, but I’m trying new things. It’s starting to seem to me that work alone doesn’t always net the response one would think it does. That’s not to say that I’m going to stop any work that I’m doing. It’s simply saying that with my work, I’m going to try this manifesting thing. I don’t want something that is just handed to me.

First thing, I’m going to keep working on my issues with depression and anxiety… but most importantly depression. I’ve been trying to work past this. Granted it has been greatly exacerbated as of a month ago. I understand that depression tends to be more of an ebb and flow… and I’m thinking that it’s ebbing. I would like the flow to be a bit longer.

Secondly, I want to write for a living. I want a job that makes me soul sing every morning. I want to wake up and sit at my computer and do what I love so much. I don’t mind starting with an internship and moving up… I just want to write.

Thirdly, NO MORE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE, PERIOD. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. I’m tired of being consistently treated like shit. It might have taken me far too many years to be able to admit this, but I don’t deserve this shit. I don’t. I deserve partners who love and respect me. Thankfully, that’s what I have now.

Finally, I need more patience. This is something I’ve mentioned before… and mostly ad nauseam, I know. This time I’m not referring to circumstances. This time, I need more patience with people. I need to learn that things can take time, and that’s OK… especially when it comes to partners and other people in general. I also need the patience to realize that not everyone is going to be on the same track as I… and that’s OK. More importantly, I have to allow time to flow and let relationships find where they’re supposed to be. This is hard for me, but this is something that I need to find peace with. It feels like things are starting to find where they are supposed to be, I just need to wait.\

These are the things I want to manifest in my life, but not necessarily in this precise order. (No, really, I would really love the job thing to happen first.) So, I guess now we wait, right? OK… totally working on that final part again. Time to practice my patience.

Life is Funny

My life has been interesting as of late… and I’m not sure if I would qualify it as Chinese curse interesting. It certainly has felt that way for me for months. Each event seeming far worse and harder to overcome than the last. It was so bad that I felt as though I were on the brink of despair.

Sometimes life gives you something that is horrible at the time, but in hindsight might have been precisely what you needed in the first place. There are some things that wind up being blessings in disguise. And as much as I’m remiss to say it, I think what I went through may have been just that.

So, just after the Fourth of July, I got the results of a back x-ray that I took to see what was causing the pain in my back. That turns out to be early arthritis in my lower back. Not a surprise as I’ve had arthritis since I was 13 and had it in my knees. Not really surprising, and now it’s something that I’m going to fight against. I’ll be damned if I wind up in a wheelchair before my time.

More worrisome is that they also found a 5mm density in my lung/internal organ area.

So, of course this means something a lot more important… and dangerous. That means that they need to take another x-ray to make sure that something’s there… and if there is, it’s more than likely cancer. After all, cancer does run in my family. My grandmother died 2 years ago from cancer. My dad and grandfather have had to have tumors biopsied to make sure it wasn’t cancer.

While I was sure that I didn’t have cancer… it didn’t change that I was still scared. I’ve been in immediate fear for my life before. I’m even familiar of being in fear for my life at the hands of someone else for some time. This is the first thing that is hard to fight against. This is the first time I couldn’t watch something that could kill me. That scared me more than any of the other things that I could imagine. I’ve been abused and have had to handle plenty of other things in my life. This is different.

The two days I had to wait to have my chest x-ray were both long and excruciating. In that time, it makes one evaluate what it would mean if it turns out to be something, if it really is cancer. How would my life change? What would I need to do in order to have the longest and best quality of life is possible? How painful is chemotherapy?

It’s not a pleasant thought train, but it was a possibility.

The day of the x-ray came and I went in and did it. Tomo was super supportive as that’s the job he thinks he needs to do, be puppy emotional support for mommy. Then they asked me questions of why I was there to see if I understood why. I answered and broke down half of the way through. The x-ray tech read the reason and apologized. It didn’t take much for him to realize the reason for being there.

I took the x-ray and then all that was left was to wait. Thankfully my doctor wanted to give me an answer sooner than later. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything for a day. I heard back within the hour.

It came back that the density was an artifact.

That is the best news anyone could hope to get. I felt entirely relieved. All the scary thoughts that I had thought had gone.

Something more interesting came from this situation… something I didn’t know was possible. A week after finding out that I wasn’t in for having my life altered, something unimaginable happened. For the first time in about as long as I could remember I didn’t feel so anxious about things. It’s something I’m still not used to.

I don’t feel as awkward as I used to in social situations. Thinking about other things in my life doesn’t make me dreadful. This is both wonderful and weird. Because of thinking about everything that could have gone bad and that it could have been a very real situation. I think it helped put things in perspective for me. Life is so temporary and can change in the blink of an eye. There’s no time to fret over things that don’t matter. It sucks that I had to have a health scare for that point to settle into my brain. But here it is.

Kabuki by David Mack

Kabuki by David Mack

 

This has been a long time in coming. I’ve sat on these feelings for the last week and half, speaking about it only in vague terms. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t just can’t keep quiet anymore.

There’s one thing I abhor more than anything in my life. That’s lying… and more importantly liars. Lying rises an ire in me more than anything. I’m currently in a place where my rage has gotten beyond boiling. To make this more understandable, I feel like I must tell my tale. Not by pointing fingers, but by actually writing it out. Maybe then I can actually sleep again.

I’ve been lied to recently… not just lied to, manipulated, blamed, and flat-out disrespected.

So, how did this all happen?

I asked a question where I was given one response. Now, if in the course of the conversation I was asked about it or been told that they had changed their mind, which would have been fine… or at least better. But it didn’t happen. I was given an unequivocal answer of something not happening. This is probably because maybe I could have made it to the same event. Then I mentioned I wasn’t likely to attend because I had to be adult. I had to put personal responsibility first.

Flash forward a few days.

Having another conversation… one where I keep mentioning the same suspicion that I have. Each time to respond to anything, but what I stated. Now, usually if something didn’t happen I’ve received an angry response of how dare me. This time it’s crickets.

This happens more than once. In the earlier part of this conversation I was asked for a thank you for something that I never received or saw, I was only told about. Somehow I’m supposed to know that a gesture I never received was for me. I find that to be weird, but say thank you all the same. Then I force the issue that I mentioned repeatedly earlier… because at this point there is no wiggling out of it.

They try to argue their way out of it. Denying that they gave me a flat answer. That what they did was OK because there was an ambiguous answer. The fact that they said they weren’t going to do something to only do it is lying. Then they go back and look at the conversation… and they’re caught in a lie. They gave me an unambiguous answer. More importantly, not only did they lie to me, they decided to do it behind my back, because I wouldn’t have found out about it anyways. This isn’t entirely true. I would have found out. There are enough mutual friends that I would have heard from somebody anyways. Besides, the truth does always come out eventually.

Flash forward another few days.

In another conversation… one where I’m supposed to get a heart-felt apology… guess what else I receive. That I’m partially to blame for this situation. Somehow, even though I wasn’t there, I didn’t put a gun to their head, I’m partially responsible for their decision.

At this point, I’m fit to be tied.

This hits every button that I know to be abusive. I was manipulated (I should be thankful for something that I not only didn’t know about, but never received just before the admission that they lied to me). I was lied to (given one answer then they turn around and do something else). That this was done behind my back, intentionally, after they knew I wouldn’t be attending is utterly disrespectful. And then there’s the blame.

So much of this is just not OK. Actually, strike that, it’s not acceptable. If I’m someone you supposedly love and care about, that’s not how you treat them. This is how you treat someone you don’t care about, that you have contempt for… and maybe that’s really it. Maybe these actions are out of contempt. I can’t answer because they are not my actions. I try to be as direct and honest in my speech and action as possible. I expect people to treat me the way that I treat them.

Apparently, that was too great an expectation for this person.

The worst part, is that I’m trying really hard to not let this betrayal color my other relationships… and in many ways it’s not. I’m being very vigilant to fight against the negative feedback loop of this is happening to me because I’m a shitty person. That somehow I deserve this. More importantly, I’m being ever vigilant about not falling into my pain cycle where I have a hard time believing anybody. This is incredibly hard for me. It’s how I’ve dealt with things historically. I get hurt badly, so I keep everyone at arm’s length.

There is one *huge* (and I really do mean huge) positive to come out of this. While I occasionally will fall into negative self-speak, I recognize I’m doing it and stop it. Even more, I realize that I don’t deserve this and that it isn’t my fault. The fact that I’m saying that I don’t deserve this is a huge step forward… like immeasurably huge.

I’m still struggling with fighting with pushing people away because I’m hurt. I’m trying not to. If I do actually do it, it’s not a conscious decision. I do know one thing though, that this is not ok. That this is something I shouldn’t put up with. What that means in the long-term… I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and see.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a lot of writing. Emotionally, it’s been difficult to motivate myself to do much more than want to hide under blankets and ignore the world. I’m now working on trying to do more. I’ve kind of gotten to the point where you wind up so stressed that your body starts to tell you. And I mean more than just insomnia.

I can’t see this state getting any better in the foreseeable future, so I’m going to do a brain dump. I feel so stressed now that I can arc lightning between my fingers. That’s pretty bad. Some of this might be stuff that I’ve talked about before in my spotty writing schedule. A lot of it won’t be. I feel the need to extract it all from my head.

New Year’s is supposed to be a time of great hope. What sort of awesome will this year bring?

Yeah… I’m not sure I even got a moment of that thinking, after all, 2015 ended so horribly. I still haven’t received pay from my paid writing gig. It’s something I love to do, and it really sucks and hurts to not get paid. This is especially true because writing means so much to me. My current more-off-than-on boyfriend decide his new girlfriend ranks higher than I do (BTW, this has been obvious twice more since then).

So, yeah… those are two huge things. I tried to make the best of it, but something else decided that it wasn’t meant to be.

So, what of these two other times I speak of (after all, the work thing is pretty self-explanatory)?

Well, even though we’re not really dating now, I still bought a Valentine’s gift for him. I don’t know why, maybe hopeful or wishful thinking. I don’t know. I did. He got me… nothing until I mentioned that I had something for him. I’m sure he got his girlfriend something, but I didn’t rank as important. Now, granted, this is supposition. I can’t prove this is the case. Given that I had to wait two months, it’s not boding well for him having thought about giving me anything.

The other was fairly recently… when he decided his overnight was more important than something he had planned to do. Something he and I talked about. This isn’t just shades of the original purpose of going to therapy, this is the exact reason why we’re in therapy in the first place. So, all that money that I’ve spent since last December is now flushed down the toilet. I can just hear my personal therapist when I see him next.

Of course, these aren’t the only things going on. These are the most immediate.

Because I’m not getting paid for the months of writing I did (and no real way for recourse, thanks for protecting artists, labor laws), I’m now looking for a job… doing the one thing I hate doing, office work. Hell, at this point, we’re so close to broke, I’m ready to say, “Fuck it!” and go back into retail. It’ll probably break me down so badly that I will barely be able to function, but I know that I could probably get a retail job easier than an office job where I live because of stupidly ridiculous requirement of a bachelor’s degree for answering a phone and greeting people.

This has been really gutting for me. I thought that I finally found a place where I could just write and be happy. I can’t. I’m looking for more writing jobs, but even technical writers need a background in it, even though I know I could do it and do it very well.

Frankly, at this point I feel so beaten down by life again (because 25 years of emotional/physical/sexual abuse wasn’t enough) that sometimes I wonder if I have any value. I wonder if I’m just a drain on those in my life.

God, writing those two sentences were hard… enough to bring tears to my eyes in a public place. Which for me is hard, I prefer to be stoic at worst.

I keep trying to think positively and find some sort of positive thinking to help me trudge on… I’m just not sure I can.

Hell, let’s be honest here… I pulled myself out of several deep, dark holes. I’ll pull out of this one. I haven’t killed myself or had my spirit broken yet. I’m a survivor. It’s all I know how to do.

OK, not all, but it feels like it now.

Thankfully, all is not doom and gloom (even though it feels that way).

I started a class last week about learning how to cope with all the stuff from my Complex PTSD (or CPTSD). I did manage to have a lovely, restful weekend… something I’ve been desperately needing for months. I’ve been putting out resumes, despite how little I think of myself right now. Something will come through, right? I’m also looking for group activities that are either intellectual, creative, or healthy/physical exertion in order to stop myself from self-isolating. It’s not healthy for me to isolate myself, even if my brain is telling me to do so.

I’ll just keep telling myself, “I’m a survivor. You’ve been through worse. You have people who care for you. You’re no longer alone.”

If I say that enough, maybe it’ll finally get through my thick skull.

Big Changes in Life

There’s one thing that helps me handle life sometimes. Life is ironic. No matter what you think will happen, life likes to take that sharp right turn and taking you down a road that you don’t expect. Unfortunately, for me, I’m starting to expect the bad things. It seems to be a unifying theme to my life. Oh, you’ve been abused for 13 years, let’s throw a rape on top of it. That’s not enough, let’s also have one of your abusers die of cancer. That abuse you sustained when you’re a kid, you’re going to have a lot more of that.

It wasn’t until I took time out to take stock of myself that I realized that I was just perpetuating the problem. I then decided to stop. And while that is still my conscious decision, I’m still feeling like I have to deal with it in one aspect of my life. Just when one part of my life feels like it’s coming together, something else seems to fall apart. Or maybe I’m starting to fall into despair because of having to deal with fighting for months now.

The people who make me happy make so incredibly jubilant. The happiness I feel right now is so incredible. I didn’t think that I could be this happy. At the same time, I feel like I have to deal with things that I said I would never entertain anymore in my life. I have had to for months. I’ve had my trust shattered by someone to the point where I’m uncomfortable. I’m not sure if they’re ever being honest with me. They’ve hurt me so profoundly, especially after pulling the coup d’grace, telling me that whatever I’m seeing is in my head.

Yeah, I’m back there. I’m back where I was when I was still around the drama group.
Of course, all of this is trying to work back through my rape and abuse. I’m going to go back to where I was raped. I’ve even gone as far as setting a date to do it. To go back to the school I was raped at. I know I can’t see the exact room, but even just being in the presence of it… the thought scares me. I’m nervous and scared. I know that I’ll have good people with me to help me through. People I know that I can trust to be with me at a time where I will be incredibly vulnerable. A part of me is scared that I’ll run into the man who raped me again. It’s a fear that I have every time I go visit home.

I need to do this. I can talk about my rape until I’m blue in the face. I’ve gotten past the initial shock. After having my rapist reach out to me repeatedly, it’s made me want to insulate more. It makes me want to pull back into myself. Not because I don’t think that the people I have can’t help, but because there is so much rage and pain. I can’t necessarily claim that I had much of a childhood. I wasn’t allowed that. But this ripped away my innocence and any sense that I should have been allowed to have like any other 13-year-old girl. This one event hurt me more than my friends calling me she-male when I was in middle school.

It’s one thing to say you’re going to do. It’s another to actually go and do it. Now I’m doing it. There’s a time. I can’t back out now, even if a huge part of me wants to. It doesn’t want to face the pain that I had to deal with, that I still deal with. At least I know I’m not alone this time.

Well, It has been sometime since I’ve just written something that is just about what’s going on in my life. It’s been sometime…

So… Life is interesting now. It’s not Chinese curse interesting, for once. I feel like I’m riding this wave of good things… and I know it’s going to get bigger. I finally feel prepared to ride it all out. I’m secure about this thing that I do almost as naturally as breathing. I feel completely secure in my writing. I’m starting to carve a niche for myself that makes me happy.

So, what all is happening?

Where to start… My life finally feels wonderfully full. I feel like all the pieces of my life are starting to fit together. I feel ridiculously happy for a few reasons. I’m still feeling this incredible, overwhelming wonderful feeling. The feeling that I know I’ve written about before. This feeling that almost feels like a panic attack. Instead of being partnered with worry and fears, it’s followed by positive thoughts. That might be because my fingers are just brushing my dream. That it’s within my reach.

What does that mean in real terms?

Well… Not sure where to start. I’m at the point where I will be giving my 2 weeks in just over a month (or so). I negotiate my salary and will be working full-time in August. I will be writing full-time. This is just the beginning of what I really want to do with my life. I am so excited about being able to do this all the time and get paid.

I also have a third partner in my life. Oddly enough, the scheduling should actually work. I can’t put into words the exuberance I am feeling now. I might have to sit down and just write about it to put it in to words.

This whole situation is… amazing. It’s beyond anything that I could ever put in words. Not surprisingly, I want to put it all out there.
I’ve also decided that I need to take the time to be able to write. I need that time for me. I haven’t done it in some time. I’m going to start doing it now. I will write more of my stories (and I will start busting my ass to get them up so you can read them as well). I feel like I’ve been missing that in my life. I have to feed that need inside me. I also have a Fanime wrap-up to write. I will get that out next week.

So, here we are.

I’ll post a list of all my writing that I’ve done since my last post so you too can see them.

Until then!

Life in… Interesting

There are times I think I was cursed by the Chinese curse. I seem to perpetually live in interesting times. This has been true in this last week. Unfortunately, most of it is stuff that I’m not at liberty to talk about as of yet.

And that’s the worse part. Some of it is stuff that I need to process. I process through writing. Yet, I can’t do that yet. I feel like I’m not really allowed to process yet so I have to keep feeling these things and not talk about it. Really, it’s quite frustrating.

I would like the next week to be a bit less interesting. The up and downs are getting to me. It’s like being on a perpetual roller coaster. And while it’s something that can be fun in and of itself. I would like 5 minutes to sort things out.

We’ll see. I’m just hoping that soon I will be able to process what’s going on.

Here’s to hoping!

Dat Week

So… this week.

I got a lot less done that than I would like. Unfortunately, there is a good reason for it.

While we were driving to Fan Fest, our car died. We had a crack in the radiator and couldn’t leave Las Vegas until it was fixed. We were waiting for our car until Tuesday.

We drove all day to get home. We got home late and it was time to get back to work.

Unfortunately, that also meant that I was too tired once I got home.

I had a blast at Fan Fest. And there are pictures a plenty to share as well as stories to tell. I’ll be finishing up my Comic Con posts. I also have the end of Of Monsters and Men. I’ll start with the new posts promptly on Monday. All sorts of new stuff.

So, until Monday!

This Week in Preview

Here we are.

Yup, it’s Monday.

So, it’s a day to take care of things that have lapsed over the weekend.

So, that’s what I’m doing.

Unfortunately, that means the day gets busy, busy, busy… especially when you’re looking for work. Which is the bind that I find myself right now.

*le sigh*

All I can do, is keep on keepin’ on. Try to find some other place to work. And hope that it doesn’t take me another 2 years to find a job… or hope that my writing finds an audience.

OK, no time to mope or be upset. Time to pull myself up b my bootstraps and get it done.

Until then!