Tag Archive: mental health issues


Little Girl Lost

ritsuka-cry

Ritsuka from Loveless by Yun Kouga

There are things that are hard for me to describe, even as a decently educated writer. The hardest is to explain what being triggered is like. It’s not just discomfort or being upset. I wish it were simple. Then again, of PTSD were easy to understand, then there wouldn’t be as much misinformation as there is about it.

Right now, I’m deep in the bowels of a very deep and profound triggering event. I’ve gotten past the anger that is usually what I feel first, anger and sadness. Now I’m working on tackling a near-crippling self-doubt and depression. And that’s not the only thing that’s living here, that’s just the guardians of the house.

Deeper inside the house that trauma built is a deep hurt of a child who was left to be the adult. A child who never knew what it meant to be wanted. A child who was tossed aside and was beaten and abused for decades. A child whose parent came back later after she learned how to cope with things most children don’t start approaching until late middle school or high school.

Inside this house is a little girl, lost and afraid… on her own to fend for herself. No matter what color of happiness she paints on the outside of the house, she can’t just ignore the misery inside.

This is probably just a simplistic snapshot of an incredibly complex and insidious set of neurological responses. It’s something that people want to trivialize because it’s easier to make fun of people who are deeply troubled. At least that seems to be the American way of things.

And that’s what makes this all so terribly difficult. I have a lot of things that I know I’ll never get any closure for. That makes it so much harder. I have no way of getting closure. One of the people is no longer amongst the living. Others I have no contact with… and that’s probably for the best. I would need to sever that relationship regardless… and then there are relationships that I’ve been told I need to sever, but it’s not going to be so simple.

I start to feel so helpless because I can’t figure out how to move away from the relationship that seems to be more emotionally detrimental as time goes on. I feel like no matter what I do, that I’m stuck. I have no clue how to take care of it. There’s never really any one good way to pull away from abusive relationships. There isn’t. Even though I know what will help me in finishing healing, I haven’t a clue on how to break away from it. Unfortunately, my therapist isn’t being any help, regardless of how many times I’ve reached out.

I feel so lost right now.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having quite the hard time of things. This isn’t surprising since this is the time of the quarter that I hate so much. That’s right it’s PMS and on into that horrible female affliction known as a period. I’ve never really enjoyed it… I don’t know many girls that do.

For me, it’s always been a horrible mass of pain (I get horrendous cramps), moodiness, and general discomfort. The pain I can handle. Sure, it can be double over and can’t move bad. Frankly, physical pain just doesn’t hurt as much for me.

Then there’s the hormones. This I hate.

OK, I don’t mind my hormones. I hate the psychological mess they make me.

Normally, I get pretty weepy and generally low-level depressed around this time of the month. But not this time. Nope… because that would be easy and expected. This time, I have to be dealing with a lot of emotional go-booms and dealing really heavily with my PTSD from abuse.

This makes me an even bigger mess.

While I know I’m not alone, I feel even more afraid to ask for help. I’m afraid that I’m going to be judged because I can’t handle my shit. That I can’t just get over it. That I can’t pack it up in a nice little box and put it on a shelf somewhere to ignore and never see again.

I really wish that were the case. I wish dealing with this all was that simple.

Then there’s the worst part… I feel so damn emotionally needy that I don’t know what to do.

So, what of these go-booms you were speaking of earlier?

Well, funny you should ask…

I know that issues with one of my partners has been very well documented. The biggest part of it started in December. Then it looked like we were working through things, albeit somewhat slowly. Then he has the audacity to do the same thing for a second time. Not just once, but twice. So, yeah… I’m pretty angry, hurt, and frustrated. I feel that the time and money that I’ve been spending on couple’s therapy has been a huge waste. I’m not even sure, at this point, that there’s anything that might be left to salvage because of how I feel. You know how the saying going, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

In dealing with this, huge “Do Not Touch” buttons have been hit. That means that I’ve been triggered pretty hard… to the point of a panic attack. One of the things about complex PTSD that’s different from garden variety PTSD is that you won’t just get visual flashbacks, you also get emotional ones. All the emotions come flooding back… and there’s nothing that can be done to stop it.

And, I had to deal with my ex-boss. This is something that I haven’t really talked about. After all, it’s not all that important, normally. So, he decided to sit on my check two weeks after I quit. I had the mediation session for that. I will say this, I didn’t even get close to what I deserve. I got a fraction of it. At the same time, I do feel a good amount of vindication. You know your ex-boss is an asshole when the deputy commissioner tells you that if the wait wasn’t 7 months for a hearing, you should totally pursue that. That’s pretty bad.

The past three paragraphs have happened in the last week. This isn’t over months, this is in the last 7 days.

So, here I am… this huddled mass of hurt and pain… and a certain amount of anger. I’m not angry at anyone but the people whom I should be angry with.

Then there’s the hurt and the pain. This is the hard stuff… and I do mean hard.

This is the stuff that can make me ask the questions I don’t like to ask, because I know exactly where my mind is.

Yeah, I’m asking them.

So, what do I need now? I need love, reassurance of that love, I need to be held, and hugged, and all sorts of things that have to do with physical touch. I need it from the important people in my life. I need people to check up on me. I feel so pushed back to when I was a teenager that I feel awkward asking for what I need because, in my mind, I feel like I’m not going to get it. That I’m going to be told what I was told all the time when I was a kid, “You need to fight your own battles.” I feel both powerless and voiceless. (Yes, I appreciate the irony of the last sentence, given that this is in a blog post.) I want to ask for it… and constantly, but I’m too scared. I want to talk to my supportive partners about this, but, once again, I’m too scared. This is the only way I know how to. It’s the only thing that served me well when I was a teenager.

So, maybe that’s the point of what I’m writing this. Maybe it’s to get it out there. Maybe it’s to give voice to how I’m feeling because I don’t feel like I can accurately convey it verbally. I don’t know. But right about now, I feel hurt… hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, and alone, even if that is of my volition (but not really because CPTSD is a bitch).

Welcome to emotional flashbacks.

These are issues that I still struggle with, to this day to one degree or another. I do have a better sense of self-worth, but I still think that if something bad happens… that I did something wrong for it to happen to me. The degree to which this instilled some severe issues with me is pretty bad. And what comes after just helped demolish more of the already crumbling foundation that is myself.

So, one would think that once my mom was out of hospital, that life might be smooth sailing, right?

Yeah… not so much.

My mom and divorced and she wound up meeting and marrying someone else. And, while that sounds all fine and dandy, this guy was a piece of work. I use was because he died of lung cancer my senior year of high school. I don’t have any fond memories of him either.

After my mom and him were married, first he would beat me… until I got both too big (they got married when I was 8) and too strong for that. After that, it was a constant barrage abusive words. If that wasn’t enough… I was also horribly bullied at school. I was an early bloomer, so I hit puberty before anyone else did. I heard it all… and I heard it for years. I heard it pretty much up until I changed schools in high school to make a positive change for myself, including someone threatening to kick my ass.

The bullying was pretty consistent. Granted, it couldn’t even compare to what people go through now. Everything was done face to face. There was none of the anonymous ganging up that we have now.

That wouldn’t have been too bad (OK, it was bad enough in and of itself), but it wasn’t the only place I was constantly hearing a barrage of hurtful words. I would hear it all the time at home. My stepdad would put me down all the time. It was a constant thing. I’d hear how ugly, stupid, and fat I was. I was always a bitch. I was called lazy. It affected me so profoundly that I would withdraw from people. I felt like I had no choice. I didn’t have a place I could go to where I would be accepted. At school I would be made fun of, at home I would be told how awful a person I was.

I would go to my mom about this, but she wouldn’t do anything. She’d tell me that I need to fight my own battles. I would tell her that my stepdad was also doing it and she wouldn’t do anything. I would tell her things that were private, only to have it thrown back in my face by my stepdad… where he would then be even crueller to me. It’s because of that I don’t feel like I can trust many people. I always have the fear that people will turn on me and that I can’t trust someone with a confidence. More than anything, it made me feel like I couldn’t trust my mother.

I didn’t feel like I had a safe haven away from the pain of being emotionally abused. I was abused at home and at school. Once I was raped, I didn’t know what to do. It was so bad that I felt a strong desire to not want to feel anything. I started thinking about doing heroin then. Anything to numb the pain inside of me. I never did heroin… instead I would cut myself. Anyway to make myself hurt as much on the outside as I did on the inside.

Then my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer that he later died from. Before he died, he apologized for the years of abuse… which I’m pretty sure would have continued were he to keep living. I still think it was more to clear his conscious than it was to make me feel better. I said I accepted it, but that wasn’t really the case.

Of course, this isn’t where the abuse ends.

After that, I would get into relationships that were highly toxic. At one point it extended past romantic relationships, but also into friendships too. I didn’t feel like I was worth any decent relationship. The friendships were about the same point as probably my most emotionally damaging relationships. I dated the guy for years. I kept trying to get him to approve of something, anything about me. He would never acknowledge that I would. He would constantly put me down. He would constantly make me feel like I had to do everything for him. I couldn’t have my autonomy.

I would dress up nice and he’d make me feel bad about it. I would need to do everything for him.

It hit me so profoundly that I would cheat on him repeatedly… then he would hit me with an even worse barrage of words. Every time it was designed to make me what he wanted. I wasn’t happy with where I was, but it was what I felt like I deserved. To this day, I still get the feeling that it’s all my fault. That I have to fight alone. That I deserve what’s happening to me. That I all I knew. Every boyfriend confirmed this, even those who tried to act like they’re more enlightened. If they couldn’t get what they wanted out of me, they would treat me poorly.

It’s pretty bad when you have someone get you to leave the dysfunctional relationship that you’re in so they can try to have their own harem. It became so problematic that I eventually had to take stock of what was going on and why I wasn’t happy. It boiled down to me being in nothing but emotionally unhappy relationships. I even took a year off to actually work on myself and to distance myself from it.

No matter how much I distance myself, I still have to deal with the emotions that are coupled with these issues. The feeling that I don’t have anyone to help me (despite the evidence of otherwise), that I’m constantly alone, that I’m not good enough to deserve anything good. I think that I deserve anything bad that happens to me. That I don’t deserve anything good. These are thoughts that I have no idea how to be rid of. These are thoughts that still plague me. They occasionally make me want to find a hole to just waste away in.

I keep trying to tell myself that I’m worthy to have what I have… but I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know if I can let myself believe it. In many ways, I feel like the little girl being beaten into submission with no one to help me… and I don’t know how to ask for help. Recently, it’s become a daily struggle for me to ask for help. I don’t want to feel like needing help makes me a burden. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have anyone who can help me. I want to be able to accept the help of others.

More than anything, I want to stop being haunted by the thought that maybe, just maybe I shouldn’t really be here. That I shouldn’t still be living. That I struggle and fought so hard to survive, only to start feeling like it was for nothing. That I deserve to be alone. I’m trying not to fall into that despair, but it’s hard… and I do need help. I just don’t know how to ask for it.

The next major event that I remember was my mom not really being there for me. At the time, my mother was undiagnosed for bipolar. She was medicating how worked best for her at the time. While I understand that, it also meant that I had to step up and do more than I was even prepared for. I wasn’t even 10 at the time. I felt that I had to be responsible. In many ways, I resent having to give away my childhood and a part of my innocence.

While I know that there’s nothing that anyone could do, because my mom was undiagnosed. I’m also angry and sad about it. I had to face many hard realities before I was really prepared for them… and in some cases I had no preparation for them… like seeing my grandfather’s body at the funeral home. It’s that moment that I pinpoint my changing opinion on death. This is probably one of the healthiest responses I’ve had. I don’t fear death. I accept it as inevitability. I don’t let this realization allow me to do things that will kill me, at the same time, I’m not afraid either. I treat it with the proper respect it should while not shying away from it. So, one positive takeaway from this was that.

But the negative… that’s also there. And it’s more numerous than how I deal with death.

My sister and I remember more than we really talk about. We’ve seen more than we care to discuss… but those memories are so hazy to me, probably because I didn’t want to acknowledge what was really happening. More than anything, I felt neglected. I felt like I didn’t matter. I wasn’t important enough for my mother. This was later confirmed when my mom apologized to me for driving while heavily intoxicated because she was trying to kill herself. Except she wasn’t just trying to kill herself, she was trying to kill me and my sister as well. I think I already kind of knew that because I have always felt like maybe I didn’t deserve to live. This really haunted me after my rape. The rape helped confirm this thought I had. I’ll get to that later though.

That’s probably the hardest thing to try to tackle as a child… that I’m not important enough to be a reason to live and that maybe just maybe I didn’t deserve to be alive. These thoughts still haunt me to this day.

Honestly, I know that my mom wasn’t in her right mind. Unfortunately, this is the hand she was dealt. She may not have realized that this was an issue until her diagnosis. So, I can’t really fault her for this. That doesn’t mean that it still isn’t a reality… and it still really hurts. Even writing the paragraph above hurt straight to my heart. Just because I understand the situation, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. And, of course, there was the day that she was hospitalized… it’s good that she was because then she could get treatment.

At the same time, this made me scared because I had no idea what would happen to me or my sister. I knew my dad mostly worked at night. There was a degree of insecurity there. When we had to go and live with my mom’s ex-best friend, it felt like we were just people who could be passed on. I still deal with this issue, especially when it comes to relationships. I feel like I’m a transitory person… or just there for now. I haven’t had many people tell me that I am in no way temporary in their life. I can count the people who have told me that way and not treated me that way on one hand.

I still struggle with that and it’s a constant fear. Because it was so easy to pass me along to someone who beat and tortured me. I’ll get to that explanation in a while. I try to remind myself that I’m not transitory. People genuinely want to be with me. It’s hard to see that sometimes… and it’s interesting, because I never thought it was from my sister and I being handed off to someone who beat me.

Life Sucks Sometimes

Life hasn’t been very generous to me as of late. Then again, how often is life generous to anyone? At this point there are plenty of instances that make me question many things… and to a degree I feel myself occasionally dipping into despair. While I wish I could say that I had some control over it, I haven’t had complete control.

The things I have control over: how I react and the fact that I did something that is a huge victory against my PTSD.

I know that I’ve written about my experience revisiting the place where I was raped. When I mentioned to my therapist that I managed to stand in front of the place for five minutes, he lauded that as a huge deal. And it is. My brain has tried to escape that place for so many years (decades at this point). Confronting it to move forward is *huge*. I’m still working on processing everything from that. Unfortunately, something else decided to supersede it.

Actually, let me say someone’s actions decided to supersede it.

I’ve also written, at length, about what’s been going on in my personal life. I won’t go back into it, but I will add to it.

A week ago, the same partner that I’ve been having huge communication issues with decided to up the ante more. Instead of making an effort to keep communication with me, even though he knew how angry and hurt I was by his continued inability to do the same thing over and over… instead of trying to work on communication, he decided that an overnight with his new girl was much more important.

Yeah, that’s about as shitty as it sounds.

And the worse part, I knew that’s what he did without him telling me. (Though he did the next day.)

So, I’m dealing with that as well… because processing one of the biggest, most important things I did for myself psychologically wasn’t enough (and is something that was going to take some time to do in the first place).

So, I’m processing the less significant issue first (which, frankly, the overnight is in comparison to my rape).

I’ve also had to make some tough decisions in my life too. While I should probably can his ass for being so fucking self-absorbed to go on the overnight, I’m not. I’m giving him this last chance, and I do mean last. We’re going to therapy (because the months of me bitching to him about his inability to communicate wasn’t enough to signal that we needed to do that). We’re also on a break. What that means is that now we’re friends. That can shift one way or the other during the course of therapy.

Honestly, I’m not entirely optimistic about this. Though… who knows? He did something that I never thought he would. He admitted that he might actually still have issues stemming from his ex-wife that he’s been taking out on me. I would change the maybe too definitely, but I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m hoping, that with the right therapist, maybe something can happen…

But that’s all future speculation and isn’t going to fix the issue at hand.

Right now… I’m feeling pretty heartbroken. I mean, after all, deciding that sex with new girl is more important than a relationship is beyond fucked up. I even told him, you pretty much told me that overnight was more important than a 6 year relationship. It’s going to take a lot of doing to change that thought… if it’s possible.

His excuses were shoddy at best. He kept repeating that he thought we had broken up. I said I had never said that… besides, I’m not the asshole that breaks up over a phone call or text message. I’ll tell you to your face. That way there’s no room for ambiguity. Besides, more than anything, this tells me that I’m not any priority to him, she is. He keeps saying otherwise, but actions up to me calling him on his shit have said otherwise. And frankly, at this point, I still think he’s all lip service and no action.

So, what positive has come out of this?

Well, other than him finally admitting that he might still have ex-wife issues (something he vehemently denied 3 or so years ago), not much for him except we need therapy (duh). However, my two other partners have been absolutely stellar. They are the support I so desperately need now. I knew that I was going to have a psychological minefield to walk through… I didn’t expect it would also include a huge ass mine from a partner. The fact that both have been willing to help, to the extent that they can, has been wonderful. It doesn’t fix the problem (after all, only I can fix that), but it makes things a little easier to get through.

Right now, I’m thankful for that. I want to get through this shit so I can go back to working on the first issue. I would like to be able to get a full night’s sleep again. At this rate, I’m not sure when that will ever happen.

Since I seem to be having huge issues with insomnia as of late (not too terribly surprising), I figured that I would write out things since my brain is keeping me awake (I’ve been up since 3:30). And every time I try to sleep, it feels like a have a cacophony of negative emotions going on at all times.

Now, I’m not really surprised this is happening. I knew that this would after deciding to go somewhere that’s triggering. I did it to myself as a form of therapy. A part of PTSD therapy is to do what isn’t comfortable to make things better. I’m a big fan of going outside of my comfort zone in order to become a better version of myself. If we stick with what’s comfortable, we rarely learn anything about ourselves.

So, here I am… at 5 in the morning… after being up 1.5 hours.

Yesterday was particularly emotionally rough for me. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I felt out of step with things. My brain kept telling me horrible things… things that I just ignored in the past. Apparently, just ignoring it isn’t enough. It’s as though someone gave these horrible, unhelpful feelings a megaphone and no matter how hard I try, I still have to hear it. Instead of ignoring it, I guess I’m going to face it all head first… so to speak.

So, what was I dealing with last night… and am dealing with as we speak?

Well, a big part of it is that maybe I deserved the rape. That I didn’t fight back enough. That I also deserved the abuse that I endured for decades. That I wonder why it had to happen to me. Of course, a lot of this is paired with the lingering illogical and completely unhelpful thoughts that maybe, just maybe I’m undeserving of happiness.

Now, this is something that I’ve always been kind of proud of, even if it doesn’t always help in the short run. While I know I’m having these thoughts and feelings, I also know that they’re not rational. I also understand where they are coming from. I triggered myself. I stood before the spot I was raped. I talked about the details of the place I was in when it happened. Which, in turn, brought back the memories of exactly what happened. Of how trapped I felt in that place. How small and claustrophobic it all was.

And that I’m getting nightmares I largely don’t remember because of this. Every night… sometimes multiple nightmares a night. I’m getting less sleep now. Which goes back into the spiral of negative thoughts. Maybe I’m hoping for something wonderful and positive to come from this. Maybe I’m just hoping for karma to actually start working for me and not against me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been weary for some time. I feel like I’ve had to shoulder a lot of this burden… and that I need to continue to do so. Even though I have support and help, it’s still up to me to do the dirty work. It’s up to me to handle the feelings and thoughts. And that’s part of the reason I’m continuing to write this out. Because no one can understand what it’s like going through this… unless you’ve had to go through it. And even then, I still need to go through it myself because only I know what it feels like.

I’m also discovering how sensitive I am to things that I didn’t think I was sensitive to… especially when I recognize that I’m guilty of having done them myself. It’s not my place to not let other people make their own mistakes, but it’s my nature to not want to see people hurt… especially when it’s something as simple as not doing something. If I can impart that piece of knowledge to someone (albeit ad nauseam), then I can’t just not do it. At the same time, I know that people have to learn from their own mistakes. It’s the interesting part of me that understands that learning comes from mistakes, but the healer in me wants to make sure that no one hurts. This can be incredibly hard for me to reconcile within myself. I think that once I finally get through my shit, that then I have to repeatedly tell myself, “I have to let people make their own mistakes, even if it means that they have to suffer. No one learns unless it’s from their own mistakes”

After all, a key belief in many versions of Buddhism is that through suffering comes enlightenment.

If that’s true, then when do I get to be one incredibly enlightened being?

Maybe I’m asking too much. All I want at this point is to be a better, happier version of myself. I have amazing things to be happy for. I have some incredibly beautiful things that can make me happy… that do make me happy. I just need to not be afraid to embrace that happiness.

Really, that’s the bigger problem, isn’t it? That I always expect the other shoe to drop. I still do it in all things… even with things that are well established. Maybe that’s the fear I need to get over. It’s certainly the fear that I’ve received for years of abuse. I need to trust what is and stop fearing what might be. More importantly, I need to keep fighting these sleepless nights, these nightmares with the thought that I will be a better person once it’s done. I need to try to fight past the despair that partners this… and drops me into a world of why am I still alive.

I can do this, right?

No, scratch that.

I can do this.

Trying New Things

Nights are getting rough… and I’m not really sure why. Why is all of this being really heavily triggered. Why is my feeling of isolation so strong? Why does my heart feel so heavy? What the fuck is going on that I feel so damn depressed?

This is bugging the ever-living piss out of me. I don’t really have any reason to be unhappy… OK, 2/3s of my relationships are perfectly happy and stable. Yet, I’m mentally stuck on the one that isn’t. But that’s just part of it, isn’t it? It’s not everything. But it’s a huge part.

I also feel like I’m being socially ignored. This part really kind of stings. I’m not sure how best to conquer that. Well… maybe. Or maybe it’s more that I’m afraid that I’m going to be seen as being too needy. Because I want to try to be more social. I don’t know… maybe that just sounds silly. And a huge part of me is still feeling pretty rocked because of being told that a partner who I trusted didn’t have time for me.

I know I need to get past this… I can’t. I’m going to see a therapist to work on this, but I have to wait. I have to wait until he gets back. Except I don’t know if I can wait two weeks.

Then there’s something bigger coming up. Looming ever closer is going to the school where I was raped. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is partially contributing to my current case of the blahs. I’m still scared. The closer it gets, the more I feel scared. And that sucks. It sucks hard.

I strongly dislike this feeling of being utterly alone. And while I consciously know that I’m not. That I have people who want to help me along.

And then there’s still this weird feeling that things are just getting started… and not necessarily in a negative way. That more good is coming. Frankly, it’s about time for it. I want a time where I can enjoy my partners and vice versa. I don’t have to worry about how I’m feeling. This is what I’m looking forward to. I know that it’s going to be a trudge to get back there. I know that.

I also know I can do it. I fought through my rape on my own. I fought through years of abuse. I can do this. I know I’m not too weak to do it. But I grow tired. Yet, I still have the resolve to kill things with fire.

These are interesting times that I live in. I still haven’t figured out if it’s Chinese curse worthy.

Shut Up Brain…

What is happening right now?

Well… Life is interesting now. Not fun, just interesting.

Last week I was triggered by one of my partners. This wasn’t an intentional triggering. It did trigger me all the same. So, now I get to deal with a lot of the issues that come with being triggered. The least fun one being flashbacks.

Now, flashbacks in the past have been things play out in my head. I feel bad about it because there’s nothing I can do to fix them. They occasionally happen. I mentally tell myself that they’re not happening each time they do occur. They start to occur less frequently and I feel better. It wasn’t a great system, but it helped me get through it.

This time they’ve decided to be more persistent… more invasive, and much more frequent. I find myself often and randomly falling into a flashback. It’s not something that’s just playing out in my head, its overlaying reality. Perhaps it’s the reason why I’m triggered that’s causing this. I start feeling both my age and that I’m a kid again at the same time. I feel like I’m alone again, that I have to deal with things by myself because there is no one else… even though I know that’s not true either.

This is a surreal situation, and frankly, I feel entirely out of my depth on this.

I’m working on handling this the best way that I can, but it’s difficult. It’s because this triggering is so different. Maybe it’s also because of whom triggered me. I don’t know.

I’m just working on hanging in there. This situation is really weird and is a bit unnerving. I wish I knew what I was doing. This being a first time for this, I feel completely out of my depth. I’m trying to figure out where to begin. I just don’t think that such a place exists.

So, I’m doing what I can. I’m figuring it out. I take it each flashback at a time. It sucks. I hate being in this place. It’s also what I need to do. I will say this. This is hardly fun or enjoyable. In many ways I feel like life just wants me to have the middle finger for a bit for who knows what reason. I can handle this… I just wish I didn’t have to handle this.

A Quickie for Today

I’m gonna be doing a quickie post for today. I feel like I need to. I’m feeling pretty mentally bogged down after work yesterday. I’m still feeling particularly triggered.

So, my 2-day a week job is hard on me. My boss is fairly controlling. He wants things done a specific way but never tells you what that means to him. This happens all the time. So, instead of being specific before I start something he’ll then tack on other things and be angry about how it’s not good enough… even though he never stated what he wanted done.

So, he reminds me so much of the guy who rapes me. He needs to desperately keep control of the situation that it becomes a power play and he won’t listen to me, even though he hired me to take care of certain things and this happens to be my realm of ability. Now, this could be because he is on the Tea end of the political spectrum. That means because I’m a girl, I couldn’t possibly know more than he does. But either way, just being around him triggers me.

Then there’s the hours of FoAx “News” I have to listen to. This is why I’m feeling particularly unhinged today.

Fox “News” was reporting on the rape that happened at an Indiana university. Now, if it was called an alleged rape, I would have been annoyed, but it would have been accurate.

Of course Fox “News” couldn’t use the term “alleged”. Instead they said “so-called rape”. This is during their news reporting… not during one of their many opinion pieces they run all day long. I was about to break something, anything… possibly throw a $3000 computer across the room.

Calling it a so-called rape is so incredibly dismissive. It’s like a huge middle finger to a rape survivor. Let me scratch that, it *is* a huge middle finger to a rape survivor. There’s a reason consent is being redefined. It’s not OK for someone to beat the shit out of anyone. It’s not OK to rape someone. It’s especially not OK to do both. If someone says no when you start hitting them, you stop all play.

So, here we go. Rape is a serious issue. It’s emotionally damaging to the victim. But calling something a “so-called rape” is unconscionable.

And it’s the reason I’m upset… and understandably so.

So, I’m feeling… a lot of things. A lot of them are rage and hurt. It puts me back to how I felt when I was 13. It gave me a panic attack… well, several of them. So, I’m having a hard time keeping my head on straight.

I am grateful for my dog. He does a good job of taking care of me. He’s been by my side since I came home last night. He’s not normally a snuggler, but last night he went for the full snuggle. He’s been so close to me. He wants me to pet him and make sure that I know that he’s there for me. As we speak, he’s lying on top of my feet.

I’m still vacillating between being weepy and trying to maintain. it’s hard to deal with… but I’ll get through it. I’ve had to do this before. It might require me sharing some more. It’s not fun and it could be triggering for someone else, and for that I apologize. The treatment for PTSD is to talk about it. Talk it out. Talk about what you’re feeling. I’ve been through a lot of therapy for this and my abuse.

I’ll get past this. I just need to take the time to do so. I need to remember, more than anything, I need to be gentle to myself. I need to give myself time.  I need to remind myself that I’m not the same person and I’m not in the same place I was when I was 13.

More importantly, I need to just breathe.