Tag Archive: pain

A Childhood Want


Suntop, Skywise, Cutter, Leetah, and Ember all sleeping

If I was to think back to when I had my first experience with poly in any form, I would have to say that it went back to when I was in middle school. My friends were just getting into Elfquest. It was something so very new. My mom wouldn’t let me read comics when I was a kid because they were evil or something. In all fairness, I have no idea why they were considered so bad. The storylines at that point were still fairly simplistic.

There were three characters that shared a loving V relationship. They are Cutter, Skywise, and Leetah. The connection point between Leetah and Skywise is Cutter as he’s the one with the intimate relationship with the other two.

I didn’t realize how profoundly the image of the three of them sleeping was for me. After all, I never had that closeness when I was younger, despite how much I wanted to feel like people wanted to be close to people.

There was something comforting about the relationship between the three of them, that just made me feel… I don’t know… comforted. I think that would be the most accurate, especially because at that point in my life, I didn’t even have a good place when I was home with my birth family.

It’s funny, because I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to have a warm and loving family. I didn’t really have that experience when I was a child. A majority of my childhood was chaos and anger and fear. It was everything that you would never want to have as a child. Looking at a picture of Leetah, Cutter, and Skywise sleeping peacefully with Leetah and Cutter’s children…

It’s something that I desired when I was a child. It’s never something I really experienced nor do I have a conscious moment of when I was younger. There was a lot of anger, pain, and fighting… but never a sense of peace of serenity. Never a sense of what I hear is supposed to be what it means to be in a family. The strife that I dealt with when I was younger has made me a bit more standoffish than I think anyone should be.

Life does seem to have a way of righting itself some of the time. While chaos will always be a part of life (as much as I dislike it), It is possible for things to right themselves. The peace that I saw in that picture, the love that I saw in that relationship… that seems to be within reach. I keep hoping and waiting patiently to have that an image like that of my own… and it’s possible that maybe I can have that family. It’s certainly something that I want more than anything. I want to have in my adulthood all the things that my childhood never presented me. I want constancy. I want a warm and loving environment. I want people who will actually love me, make me feel like I’m loved regardless.

All it took was a simple picture of three people sharing a loving moment…


Here I am, back after my vacation.

Though, I will admit, it wasn’t much of a vacation. I wound up being fed two things that would make me horribly ill. One that would last one day, the other I’m still dealing with and it has put me in great amounts of pain. So… I didn’t really have an enjoyable birthday. I’m going to have a re-do, without the extra time off once I’m no longer hurting.

My sleep schedule was also messed with. Because of processing out what’s making me sick, I feel tired a lot. Since this wasn’t a trace amount, this is taking more time and is more work. I’m hoping that this is finished soon. I’m tired of the pain and the tired.

I did have 2 high points though. I’m hoping that this isn’t a show of what a pain the next year will be. I’m hoping this is a painful recap and that everything else will be much happier. Frankly, I really need it now.

So… what do I plan on for this week?

I might have to call this week largely a wash. I’m trying to handle being sick first. I will post another part of my long running and increasingly misnamed short story. Unfortunately, other than that I have nothing else ready for you. Please look forward to another installment of my story.

Otherwise, I’m going to focus on trying to get past pain. I’m sorry that this is happening now as I have a lot of writing ideas percolating away in my brain.

I’m hoping that next week will find me feeling better and ready to get more writing on here.

Until then!

I haven’t been posting as of late. That’s largely because I really haven’t been writing much as of late aside from pithy notes on Facebook. I haven’t been writing much largely because of pain.

I also had to stop taking classes for the same reason.

I have had serious issues with back pain for almost my entire adult life. Last month the kicked in hard… very hard. So hard that I’m now on pain management medication that gives me the attention span of one of my dogs. It’s also been emotionally take it’s toll as I find it difficult to do many of the things I love at the moment. I’m not happy to be at this point. However, being here is making me want to fix the problem instead of throw pain meds at it.

I hope, in the following weeks to be able to get back to writing. I also hope to soon depend on the pain meds a lot less… thanks to the wonders of physical therapy.

I apologize for my absence, hopefully it won’t be for too much long.