Tag Archive: poly

It’s been some time, hasn’t it?

Well, it’s back yet again. It’s a brand, spanking new installment. Forgot about how we got here? New to the story? You can find all of the previous installments over here.

As before, this work is copyright to Emily Rush. All rights reserved… yada yada yada.
He sits up in bed looking towards the blind-covered window. He takes a deep breath as he looks back on the sleeping forms. He shakes his head as he stands up. He lets the sheet flutter gingerly to the bed as he walks towards the door of the bedroom.

The light of the city streams in through large windows. The living room is bathed in the yellow and white of city lights as well as the cold, grey light of the moon. He takes in the stark, emptiness of the room coupled with the strange mix of cold and hot light. The minimal decor leaves plenty of open space.

He plods over to the couch. He takes a moment to look at what was going outside. Tokyo never really sleeps. Nowhere is that more apparent than where His boyfriend had his apartment. It was right in the hustle and bustle of Shinjuku.

He sits down on the couch, his underwear the only thing separating his flesh from the cold leather of the couch.

He puts his head in his hands.

“This has been… “, he starts to think as he runs his fingers through his hair, “This has been a day.”

He looks up, looking at how the light streams through the windows. Almost as though each light stream is riding it’s own wave creating unique and interesting patterns on the hardwood floors.

He sighs deeply.

“I’ve left my fiance for my boyfriend. For a love that I never got a chance to really explore.”, he thinks as

his eyes follow a single stream of light.

“I’ve been asked out by my boyfriend’s boyfriend.”, he thinks as he looks back towards the bedroom, “I have no idea where to even begin. It’s been surprising at best.”

He sits up straight and stretches his back.

“What do I do about this?”, he wonders.

“I’ve never really thought about another boy other than…”, he sighs wistfully as he thinks about all the time he missed with his boyfriend.

“I can what if until the cows come home…”, he says aloud, “I’m in a whole new realm then what I’m used to.”

He voice echoes off all the hard surfaces.

He slaps his hands over his mouth as he realized he was a bit louder than he meant to be. He remained silent for a moment as he waited to hear if he had accidentally awaken anyone.

He sat on the couch, eyes wide open.

“I didn’t realize I was talking that loud.”, he thinks as he waits to hear any footsteps.

A beat.

He breathes a sigh of relief as he doesn’t hear any stirring from the bedroom.

“How do I feel about this?”, he asks himself as he settles back in to the couch.

He rests his head backwards and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath as he momentarily drifts off to sleep.

Yuki and Shuichi from “Gravitation” by Maki Murakami



Hey, here’s some more of this story for your perusal. Are you new to this? Forgot about how we got to here? You can find the previous installments here.

As before, this work is copyright to Emily Rush. All rights reserved… yada yada yada.

Unfortunately, nothing seems to be able to lull him into slumber.

He sighs as he looks over at his boyfriend and the boy. Their bodies bathed in the night lights of Shinjuku.

His thoughts continued left off where they were before trying to sleep. He never did think he was anything special. It’s not that he was treated poorly by his family, somehow damaging his psyche and making him think he was worse than he was. He just never really thought of himself as particularly fetching. Now, it’s true that he did manage to have a series of girlfriends after the dissolution of the relationship with that upper classman’s sister. So, to a certain degree he knew that he was at least some what attractive.

But certainly nowhere as attractive as his boyfriend. He didn’t think that it was humanly possible for anyone to be that attractive. It took him some time to accept that not only was it possible, but that boy was also his.

That boy still is his.

That thought made a smile break on his face.

So, when his boyfriend’s boyfriend says he thinks he’s attractive and is interested in more than we’re dating the same boyfriend with him…

He tucks his arms under his head.

He then thinks about talking to the boy earlier. Both of them outside. The boy asking for something he never expected. Then he thinks about talking to the boy outside the bedroom. What it felt like to kiss him, to feel his body next to his. It was more arousing than he was expecting it to be. Was that because he might be interested in the boy as well or was it because a boy that was interested in his boyfriend could also be interested in him as well.

He wasn’t entirely sure what the case was.

He did know that he didn’t mind feeling the boy’s lips and hands on his mostly naked body. He would even like to do more in the future. The boy was certainly good-looking, more ruggedly handsome than androgynous. It also surprised him that he would think someone who was more manly would be attractive to him. After all, it was his boyfriend’s androgynous and sometimes almost feminine features that first piqued his interest.

And what did he have… Sure, he was good-looking, but nothing like his boyfriend. So, why him?

This was certainly an answer he could figure out on his own… after all, he wasn’t the boy.

He sighs deeply as he whispers, “If I focus on this I’m not going to be able to sleep. This is definitely something that I can’t answer myself.”

He turns over on his side, facing both his boyfriend and the boy.

He takes a deep breath as he looks at the two of them. This is the first time where it has been right in his face. He’s known that the two of them have been together. He’s seen them together in a less intimate locale. But here it is, all of them sleeping in the same bed. He sucks in his breath as he is finally confronted with something he wasn’t expecting to feel… deep-seated jealousy. He’s seen them together before. Most of those times he was accompanied by his fiancé.

Well, ex-fiance now. There was no turning back. He couldn’t let his boyfriend go, not this time.

It’s been some time, but it’s back! If this is your first time, you’re in luck. You can go over here to read all of the earlier parts.

As always, this story is copyrighted by Emily Rush. All rights reserved. You know the rest of the deal.

He thinks about that for a second. He knows that he’s been feeling incredibly horny all night. All night he’s thought about being with his boyfriend… doing all sorts of naughty things. Now there’s a request to continue while his boyfriend watched. Watched him do things with this new boy, the same boy he’s been dating for a while now.

Really, it wasn’t the thought of doing something with another guy or even that guy is also dating his boyfriend. After being in the type of relationship he had been for… well, I guess that depends on how far back he counts. If he goes back to when they were both cheating, it’s been about 6 months to a year. If he considered it from when they both were honest with their other partners, it would probably be 3-6 months. Yet him thinking about doing anything more intimate with his boyfriend’s boyfriend didn’t weird him out.

For him it was still the thought that this boy still wanted him, wanted him romantically. He wasn’t just interested in just sex with him. He also wanted to form an intimate and loving relationship with him. He never thought he was that interesting or attractive. He always thought that his boyfriend was more attractive and the one that everyone wanted to be with.

And honestly, he couldn’t actually blame them.

He shakes his head, clearing his mind for a moment.

“As incredibly tempting as that sounds, and this is no offense to you,” he says, looking at the boy, “But I’m still working my head around tonight. As much fun as it would be, I think I need to straighten out my own thoughts first.”

The boy responds, “Not at all… I totally get it. Were it me in your place, I would probably feel the same way… I think.”

The boy winks.

“So, to sleep?” the boy asks.

“Well, after someone gets into their underwear…” he says jokingly, gesturing to their boyfriend.

“S-sorry.”, he says.

Their boyfriend undressed slowly, almost teasing the both of them. He takes off one article of clothing after another until he is naked in front of them. He then walks over to his dresser and picks out a nice, but comfortable pair of underwear. He slowly puts them on, almost enjoying the sensation of the fabric of them against his skin.

Their boyfriend hops into bed between the two boys. He lies down.

He and the boy lie down next to their boyfriend.

“You tease.” he whispers before kissing his boyfriend.

“Good night.” the boy says.

Both he and his boyfriend respond in unison, “Night!”

The boy turns of the light.

He lies in the dark, trying to fall asleep, but the thoughts from earlier won’t let him be. They keep peaking their way back into his head. He turns over, trying to see if that will help him sleep.

Need a refresher course? Can’t remember what happened last? New to the story?
Well, you can catch up over here.

As always, this story is copyright to Emily Rush on the date of publication. All rights reserved. Now get in there and read some story.

He beckons his boyfriend rest on his chest. His boyfriend’s eyes looked like a mixture of fear and passion. He slowly lowers his head on to his chest. The boy’s hands caress their boyfriend’s head. He looks back at the boy. He subconsciously bites his lower lip. The boy leans forward to kiss his lips. First the boy’s kiss is gentle. But with each kiss it becomes more and more passionate.

Their boyfriend isn’t sure if he should join in or simply watch. Either way, this was going to be quite hot. The more that he thought about it, he realized that it might be for the best for him to join in. Even if he just watched, he would still be turned on by watching. Is this what he really wanted though.

He leans forward and whispers, “Are you sure you want this right now?”

His boyfriend looks at him with his eyes wide open. He shakes his head nervously.

“No?”, he asks.

“N-no… b-but i-it is h-hot…”, his boyfriend responds.

“Then we don’t have to do it.”, he says.

He leans back into the boy’s chest. He sighs deeply. He closes his eyes as he rests on his chest.

“What is it?”, the boy whispers as he kisses his neck.

“He’s still not ready for it, even if he thinks it’s hot.”, he says.

He sits up and rests his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

His boyfriend looks down and then at the boy. It’s almost as though he’s ashamed of the fact that he’s not interested in the threesome.

“I-I’m sorry.”, his boyfriend says quietly.

“No. It’s OK. You never know until you’re there if you’re ready for it.”, the boy says.

The boy places a hand on their boyfriend’s upper thigh.

“We’ll do this when you’re ready.”, he said, still resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

His boyfriend hurriedly nodded.

“B-but… W-well…”, his boyfriend started.

He paused for a moment, not sure if he really meant what he was about to say.

“I-if y-you w-wanted to continue…” his boyfriend continued, “I w-wouldn’t m-mind w-watching…”

He tried to stifle a laugh.

The boy laughed.

Their boyfriend looked at both of them unsure about what was funny.

“It’s not anything you said.” he tells his boyfriend, kissing his neck.

“Not at all. I’m not sure if either of us are ready for that step yet. Am I right?” the boy said looking at him while caressing their boyfriend’s leg.

I’ve been kicking around a story in my head for about a month now… so I’ve decided to actually write it. There will be more. It’s just in the beginning stages. I hope you enjoy this teaser.

“Are you sure about this? I’m… I’m not so…” I say as I look around the crowded large room.

“It’ll be fine. You just need to get out there.” He says as he grabs my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

I take a moment and take a deep breath and close my eyes. I let the sounds of everything around me to start to settle in. I can hear loud thumping music… actually, that’s all I can hear. No voices, just music. I slightly open one eye and let the bright lights occasionally seep in before going dark again.

I open both eyes and focus on what’s ahead of me. It’s a large room filled with the aforementioned music. People are writhing in time to thee music. Some are more on rhythm than others. The room feels hot and humid. The heat is being generated from all the bodies, creating an interesting humidifier. I can feel the music through the floor. The bass isn’t quite so loud that it’s an all-out assault, but it feels like a gentle massage through the air and floor. Off in the distance is the low-lit lifeboat that is the bar.

“Are you sure you can do this?” he asks.

I survey the room once again. I slowly nod.

“You can do this. You have this.” I think.

“I… Yeah, I can do this.” I say allowed.

I take another deep breath, and take a step forward.


Communication Conundrum

There are days where I just want to shake my fist at the world. I’ve always been told that life wasn’t fair. That was the mantra through out my childhood… as I was beaten and abused.

Yeah, life’s not fair. I get that.

So, when do I get a chance at not dealing with crap?

I still ask myself that… just less frequently. I do now as I’m dealing with a situation that was entirely preventable if there had been communication.

And this is where I start thinking maybe I’m some kind of freak. Like I’m some kind of aberration to the norm. I like to communicate. It’s so important that I will do it regardless of comfort to myself. I’ve been having to go past my comfort zones communication wise. I’ve had to talk about difficult things. I did it because they need to be talked about, regardless.

I always find it weird when people are surprised with my communication. Doesn’t everyone communicate freely?

Am I so weird because I can communicate more openly?

Is it so weird that my relationship with my SO is as communicative as it is?

I’m starting to think that we’re just fucking weird. We feel a need to keep talking to each other. To keep the conversation going to make sure that we’re on the same page.

I thought that was normal. I still find it weird for me when people don’t talk about things. Then I need to remember, that maybe I’m the weird one… because maybe I am.

When has it become a thing for us to not talk? When did we decide that shutting down or diverting conversation is easier than dealing with things?

Maybe this is stuff that I learned on my own. Now that I think about things in my childhood, I realize that I wasn’t taught to communicate. My mom used to tell my stepdad everything I’d say… even though I asked her not to. You would think that after that breach of trust that I would be more reluctant to actually be more forthcoming. That’s not how it worked though. I feel like it’s even more important to talk about things now.

Maybe I’m just weird, I don’t know…

While I was at Comic Con last weekend, I attended a lot of LGBTQ panels. They were actually pretty good and I enjoyed being in each one. I also started thinking a lot more about my journey. Like the why and how of my sexuality and gender expression, I feel like I need to write this out in trying to understand myself better… especially since this is how I process best.

I was raised in a somewhat religious household. While that wasnt really true for my early childhood and my later teenage years, it was certainly true in my pre-teen years. That might be why I tend to be so resistant to religion. Of course, this isn’t really about religion, is it?

It also might be one of the reasons that I’ve always treated sexuality with kid gloves. I lived in a very heteronormative household. It felt like the unspoken expectation was to always be normal… even though I didn’t understand what that met (and still don’t to this day). There was always this expectation that I would always have a boyfriend (as I am, kind of cis female, but more on that later). There was never any discussion of what if I want to date a girl or girls in general. It was always assumed that I would only want to date men.

Which is interesting. Whenever I had someone come out to myself as being something other than heterosexual, it never bothered me. My stepdad who abused me was bisexual. My best friend in high school was bisexual and came out to me first. It didn’t faze me when I heard it from either of them. I’ve always wondered why that was. If it was me being in denial, then I would have had a negative reaction. So, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t denying my sexuality. I think I just hadn’t really thought about it at the time… or even ever.

It seemed natural to me to find both men and women sexually attractive. When I fantasize, I see both as being equally hot. I still would like to date or do anything with women. Unfortunately the time vs. relationships thing is now a thing with 3 concurrent relationships.

So, maybe it’s that I’ve always kind of known that I was bisexual. I don’t know because I don’t remember there ever being any great revelation. It always kind of was. I didn’t have that lightbulb go off in my head the way it did with when I was poly.

It’s interesting because coming out as bisexual and poly happened pretty much at the same time… more or less. For poly, I had tried it before. It blew up horribly in my face because I had no idea what I was doing. It quickly became me being cheated on by an en boyfriend. He didn’t want to leave me, but wanted this other woman. Instead of being honest about what was going on, he would just do things. Now, even now after having done this for 11 years, I know that he cheated on me… though I’m pretty sure he would never admit that.

My first attempt was horrible. I decided that it wasn’t really for me. So, I tried to work at monogamous relationships… which I would repeatedly fail at, in all definitions of the word fail. Then my first “real” poly boyfriend introduced me to the Ethical Slut. I read it and actually had a lightbulb moment. It was one of those, “Yes, this makes total sense! This is exactly how I feel moments!” That is probably the only good thing to come out of that relationship, discovering that I was really poly.

Of course, after coming to terms with that, the boyfriend that I was dating monogamously had to try to wrap his head around not being mono. This is a hard transition. It really is. It probably would have been easier if he wasn’t so controlling and abusive. So he would always keep the brakes on when I would want to go on a date. It was at this time that he also told me, “You better not be bi too.”

At the time it seemed kind of innocuous.

As time passed after breaking up with him I realized that it seems more sinister. Like he knew he was losing control of me. That I wasn’t going to be there anymore to make him look better. He wasn’t going to be able to manipulate and put me down anymore… that time was running out. But there’s nothing more fun then being told that you can’t explore your own sexuality and that you can’t be who you are. As more time has passed, I resent him more and more for that statement than any other.

There’s always something that I’ve always felt awkward about. I’ve always felt awkward about my gender. Not in the way transgender people do. I’ve always shared a certain amount of both masculine and feminine features. It became more obvious once I was in middle school. My “friends” used to call me she male. Of course, this upset and hurt me because I was a girl. I was acting like I thought I should. I didn’t understand the concept of being overly feminine or overly girly. It hasn’t been until a couple of events more recently. One of them is because I am often around a greater variety of the LGBTQ community. I’m no longer stuck in a small echo chamber, but I now see a greater variety of people. It’s also because of my newest relationship that I feel more emboldened to explore my genderqueerness. I love that I’m getting support from all of my relationships to explore who I am.

I think I truly appreciate all of this because I’ve gone through so much bad crap in my life. It took me time to accept who I am. I wish I could have done so at a younger age (like many who learn these things when they were younger). I am so grateful that I am where I am in my life, that I have the people I do in my life. Sometimes I’m utterly blown away by what I have. I feel incredibly lucky or blessed or what have you. All I know is that I’m glad that they’re there.

Are you curious about this story? Not sure how it began? Want to go back and re-read earlier installments?
Well, you can do that here.

As always, everything here is copyright Emily Rush. All rights reserved. Yada yada yada. Now go and read the story.
“A little.”, he whispers into the boys ear.

He nips the boy’s ear.

The boy bites his lip.

“Lets go back into the room to do this. Otherwise, I’m just going to want to stay here…”, the boy says a little weakly.

He nods and starts to walk away. The boy refuses to let his hand go. He looks at the boy, down at their hands and back at the boy. The boy still keeps a hold of his hand.

“Are we going back?”, he asks.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”, the boy says, letting go of his hand.

He walks back to the boy and gently caresses his face.

“There will be more than this once we get back to our boyfriend.”, he says as he gently kisses the boy.

The boy nods. The boy is enjoying the tenderness that he receives from him.

“Lets go then.”, he says as he walks back towards the bathroom.

The boy takes a moment. He’s never seen him act with such gentleness before. It was pretty shocking to him. He’s always acted a bit more stoic. It’s possible that the fear he had from being in the closet might have forced him to be more introverted. There’s something about him that certainly seemed freer than it was before.

The boy shrugs it off and follows behind him.

He walks back into the room and plops down on the bed next to his boyfriend. His hands sits right on top of his. He looks down at their hands and then back into the eyes of his boyfriend. His hand moves to gently caress his boyfriend’s face.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see the boy re-enter the room.
“Here goes nothing…”, he thinks, “At least this will give me some idea…”

He sighs as the boy sits down behind him.

“Or this could backfire… Well, nothing ventured.”, he thinks.

The boys arms wrap around his body. He can feel the heat of the boy’s body from behind him. He leans back on to the boy’s chest while maintaining eye contact with his boyfriend. This was certainly more than he ever thought he would do. He never thought he would experience anything like this in his life… and here he is.

Here we are once again… another week under my belt. Here is a listing of posts I made over at my other new job.

Alan Turing’s family petitions British government to pardon 49,000 other men convicted for being gay.
Neil Patrick Harris at the Oscars
Poly in the tech industry. I’m not gonna lie, I love this post.
TBT, Will and Grace
Tegan and Sara, the duo of the moment
Transphobia and violence
Community, a show I love

I hope you enjoy and read these. I’m pretty proud that I’m getting published. I do hate that I’m still sick this week. I’m hoping to be up and running again by Thursday. I need to write more.

I’ll try to get more writing up here this week… possibly even tomorrow.

Until then!

Here are the posts that I made in the last week. There’s a lot of them. I didn’t realize that I could be this prolific.

Neil Patrick Harris at the Oscars: http://dot429.com/articles/5746-oscars-a-mixed-bag-even-with-neil-patrick-harris-hosting
Zachari Logan:http://dot429.com/articles/5742-zachari-logan-and-the-deconstruction-of-the-male-form
Bi Invisibility: http://dot429.com/articles/5741-the-problem-with-bisexual-invisibility
Japan and Gay Culture: http://dot429.com/articles/5739-shibuya-proposes-japan-s-first-formal-same-sex-unions
Polyamory: http://dot429.com/articles/5736-polyamory-a-primer
Kai Teichert: http://dot429.com/articles/5734-the-varied-work-of-kai-teichert
Chasing Amy: http://dot429.com/articles/5733-throwback-thursday-a-look-back-at-chasing-amy
Same_Sex Relationship Longevity: http://dot429.com/articles/5726-how-personality-affects-long-term-relationship-longevity

There you go. That’s all of them. Plenty of stuff there to enjoy! I’ll return tomorrow with some actual content. 0_0 (I know… I keep saying that. I mean it this time.)

Until then!