Tag Archive: sexual assault


What is Maturity?

Intimate

Ciel and Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler)

This week had been interesting… as has every weekend since 8.November.2016. However, this week has been particularly of note for me.

This is the week that the GOP’s token gay man has been ousted from his lofty position. He used to be a senior editor at Breitbart… but in all honesty, I can’t feel too bad for him. He is, after all, a racist, xenophobic, transmisogynistic douche. I’m almost 100% sure that he hated himself.  But more than anything, he’s a troll. With a video that’s been bouncing around there, he lost his book deal, speaking at a conservative convention, and his livelihood.

So, how, pray tell, did he manage this?

By simply going on a syndicated radio talk show and sounding like a spokesperson for NAMBLA spokesman.

So, how did this all come about?

Well he said that every 13-year-old boy should be allowed to have a sexual relationship with older men. Now, keep in mind, this conversation happened on national, syndicated radio. When he was pressed to explain, he doubled down on his pedophilia comment. He didn’t roll it back, or qualify it.

So, what does this have to do with yours truly?

He engaged in an oral sex relationship at the age of thirteen (as many of you know, that’s how I was raped at the age of thirteen).

So, I might just be a wee bit sensitive about that. Because of that one moment, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by the same person until I was sixteen and intentionally fell off his radar. (For those playing along, that would be until just about my senior year of high school.)

So, before I continue this conversation, I feel like I should explain the differences between my situation and why that matters.

I was raped. After I was raped, my rapist decided that he would use his leverage to get laid whenever he wanted because I wasn’t sure if he would kill me or hurt me again. This persisted for almost 4 years.

This is different because there was no consent (legally or otherwise) … and it persisted, much to my personal shame and emotional pain. While he was older than me, I don’t think it would have been considered pedophilia until he finally turned 18, and I was 15/16-years-old… and even then, it’s iffy. It becomes more like statutory rape…

Regardless, this is important to what happened and how we can watch as the mighty garrote themselves.

So, why does this matter now, especially with Komrad Pussygrabber in office?

Simply this, we now know how low the GOP had fallen. There are any number of things that this person is guilty of, all which progressives are willing to call them out on. But for conservatives, pedophilia is a bridge too far.

We live in a topsy-turvy world these days. Things that should be beyond the pale are now ok (neo-Nazis, anti-Semitism, transmisogyny). Where do we draw that line? We know where the GOP does. What about the rest of us?

NAMBLA

Milo might have also approved of this poster… no really, enjoy the irony of this poster.

 

Since I seem to be having huge issues with insomnia as of late (not too terribly surprising), I figured that I would write out things since my brain is keeping me awake (I’ve been up since 3:30). And every time I try to sleep, it feels like a have a cacophony of negative emotions going on at all times.

Now, I’m not really surprised this is happening. I knew that this would after deciding to go somewhere that’s triggering. I did it to myself as a form of therapy. A part of PTSD therapy is to do what isn’t comfortable to make things better. I’m a big fan of going outside of my comfort zone in order to become a better version of myself. If we stick with what’s comfortable, we rarely learn anything about ourselves.

So, here I am… at 5 in the morning… after being up 1.5 hours.

Yesterday was particularly emotionally rough for me. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I felt out of step with things. My brain kept telling me horrible things… things that I just ignored in the past. Apparently, just ignoring it isn’t enough. It’s as though someone gave these horrible, unhelpful feelings a megaphone and no matter how hard I try, I still have to hear it. Instead of ignoring it, I guess I’m going to face it all head first… so to speak.

So, what was I dealing with last night… and am dealing with as we speak?

Well, a big part of it is that maybe I deserved the rape. That I didn’t fight back enough. That I also deserved the abuse that I endured for decades. That I wonder why it had to happen to me. Of course, a lot of this is paired with the lingering illogical and completely unhelpful thoughts that maybe, just maybe I’m undeserving of happiness.

Now, this is something that I’ve always been kind of proud of, even if it doesn’t always help in the short run. While I know I’m having these thoughts and feelings, I also know that they’re not rational. I also understand where they are coming from. I triggered myself. I stood before the spot I was raped. I talked about the details of the place I was in when it happened. Which, in turn, brought back the memories of exactly what happened. Of how trapped I felt in that place. How small and claustrophobic it all was.

And that I’m getting nightmares I largely don’t remember because of this. Every night… sometimes multiple nightmares a night. I’m getting less sleep now. Which goes back into the spiral of negative thoughts. Maybe I’m hoping for something wonderful and positive to come from this. Maybe I’m just hoping for karma to actually start working for me and not against me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been weary for some time. I feel like I’ve had to shoulder a lot of this burden… and that I need to continue to do so. Even though I have support and help, it’s still up to me to do the dirty work. It’s up to me to handle the feelings and thoughts. And that’s part of the reason I’m continuing to write this out. Because no one can understand what it’s like going through this… unless you’ve had to go through it. And even then, I still need to go through it myself because only I know what it feels like.

I’m also discovering how sensitive I am to things that I didn’t think I was sensitive to… especially when I recognize that I’m guilty of having done them myself. It’s not my place to not let other people make their own mistakes, but it’s my nature to not want to see people hurt… especially when it’s something as simple as not doing something. If I can impart that piece of knowledge to someone (albeit ad nauseam), then I can’t just not do it. At the same time, I know that people have to learn from their own mistakes. It’s the interesting part of me that understands that learning comes from mistakes, but the healer in me wants to make sure that no one hurts. This can be incredibly hard for me to reconcile within myself. I think that once I finally get through my shit, that then I have to repeatedly tell myself, “I have to let people make their own mistakes, even if it means that they have to suffer. No one learns unless it’s from their own mistakes”

After all, a key belief in many versions of Buddhism is that through suffering comes enlightenment.

If that’s true, then when do I get to be one incredibly enlightened being?

Maybe I’m asking too much. All I want at this point is to be a better, happier version of myself. I have amazing things to be happy for. I have some incredibly beautiful things that can make me happy… that do make me happy. I just need to not be afraid to embrace that happiness.

Really, that’s the bigger problem, isn’t it? That I always expect the other shoe to drop. I still do it in all things… even with things that are well established. Maybe that’s the fear I need to get over. It’s certainly the fear that I’ve received for years of abuse. I need to trust what is and stop fearing what might be. More importantly, I need to keep fighting these sleepless nights, these nightmares with the thought that I will be a better person once it’s done. I need to try to fight past the despair that partners this… and drops me into a world of why am I still alive.

I can do this, right?

No, scratch that.

I can do this.

**Trigger Warning: I do write about things that could be potentionally upsetting to some people. While I don’t go into specifics here, I do include a link that does. If you are afraid you might be triggered, please don’t click the link. Thank you**

 

There are some things that I know are going to be constant in my life. There are certain inevitiabilities that everyone deals with (death and taxes). Then there’s the personal situational ones. If you’re someone who’s been sexually assaulted, then there will be a time that you will be triggered again.

They say that you are largely over your PTSD is you can talk about it… but really, you never really get over it. It’s something that stays with you. It’s a matter of how often you are triggered.

I talked about my rape when I was 18, 5 years after the rape itself. I’ve even written about it here. (This link needs to some with a trigger warning. I talk about my sexual assault.)

I also like to see if I can tolerate certain things. After all, I try to live my life as full as I can. I don’t like that there are certain things that I can’t tolerate to see. For a long time, I couldn’t watch Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, since most of the crimes are largely sexual assaults. You never know what you can tolerate and what will trigger you until you test your boundaries.

I was reading an article that a year old talking about the open letter to Facebook asking them to not allow rape jokes on Facebook. Linked in the article was a link to a page that documented all the things that were posted. The words “Trigger warning” were clearly posted before the link.

I thought to myself, “It says trigger warning, but I’m going to look anyways.”

So I did. I don’t consider myself a comedian, but all the “jokes” they showed weren’t funny… not even in the tasteless humor sort of way. Some of them could be tantamount to admitting to a felony. But I looked because I need to see where my limits are. I need to see how far I’ve come when it comes to dealing with my rape.

I’ve come far. I took quite a bit of the horrific images to get to me. Then there was one that was exactly the same circumstances as my rape. I tried to ignore it, but the “joke” keeps running in my head. And it’s not all that funny when it’s not a joke but a reality.

Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. It said trigger warning. I knew the risk I was taking. I still triggered myself. Yet, I’m not really mad about it. I’m saddened, I’m disgusted, in many ways I’m disappointed.

Maybe I might be a little sensitive because I’m a rape survivor and I don’t see jokes about rape and domestic violence to be funny. They’re both serious problems and should be discussed with sensitivity. Sometimes humor can be used to bridge that gap, but this isn’t the way to do it. These “jokes” aren’t really there to make one aware of the situation.

Do I think that humor could be used as a teaching element in these instances? I honestly don’t know. Humor can help broach some of the most difficult topics. Is there a way to use humor to help bring awareness to the topics of sexual assault and domestic violence? I don’t know that there is. Patton Oswalt actually writes an interesting piece about rape jokes in this closed letter (it’s #3). Well worth the read.

So, why am I writing this? What’s the point of it? It helps me mentally process what I’m going through, what I’m dealing with. Abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence… these are things that have long-term repercussions. This is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. I’m hoping that the more time that passes, the more things I can tolerate; but for now, I need to do the best I can to keep myself functioning. So, I’m doing that the best I can.
Hopefully I can purge that horrible image and “joke” from my head. It won’t be easy, but I hope to be capable to do it somehow.

This is something that I’ve dealt with before. This is something that I’ll probably consistently deal with on and off until I die. Every time I do deal with it, it almost includes a complete mental meltdown or shutdown. Regardless, it’s something that is difficult to deal with and I can only really take it one day at a time.

So, at this point, I’m going to state as I have many times before, that this will be trigger filled. Mostly I’m going to be talking about sexual assault. So, I apologize ahead, but you have been warned.

So, are those of you who are still reading OK with this kind of topic?
You are?

OK.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I was raped when I was thirteen. I didn’t have a say. As far as the guy was concerned, he wanted me to give him a blowjob and that’s all there was to it. I was never asked, I was forced. I tried to pull away, but he overpowered me. I felt like I was drowning and there was nothing I could do about it.

But that’s not the end of this story. It wasn’t as neat an ending as it was a one time event. I truly wish that it were though.

This guy was a classmate. We were both in a radio broadcasting class together. Not only did I have to see him 5 days a week (because school), but there were plenty of locked rooms for him to drag me to.

I was naïve to think that one time was going to be the only time. I admit it. In certain ways I had lied to myself then that it was only that time.

He repeatedly took sexual liberty with my body. I couldn’t say no because I was already afraid to do otherwise thanks to my first experience. He never let me say no or get away. He would always do what he wanted. Of all of this, it summed up to 3 such occurences. The last time was while I was a minor and he was over the age of 18. Given that he didn’t like to take no for an answer, age was also not going to be a deterrent for him.

When I was 18 I finally sought therapy for this… mostly the first occurence. It was the most traumatic and the only one where I actually was afraid that I was going to die. At that point, I also reported it to the police. I didn’t press charges because by the time I reported it (5 years later) it really would be a he said/she said ordeal, though I was fully within the statute of limitations.

It turns out I didn’t need to. A year later I heard he was in prison for statutory rape. In that sense, I felt like I had been avenged. He was doing hard time. I could breathe a little more freely. After all, he would have that label for the rest of his life. Considering that he did that to me… it helped, even if only a little.

Then another 10 or so years pass…

I receive a notification from a social networking site that I’m no longer on… Actually, I received two of him trying to contact me.

I broke down. That’s all I could do. I didn’t want this guy in my life. I still don’t. He stole so much from me because he had to get off. I still fear that he’s going to try and look for me.

I don’t like living in this kind of fear. I know he doesn’t respect my boundaries.

I never contacted him back. I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life.

But just the action of him contacting me brought me back to when I was 13.I felt like the scared child I was then. Just the mention of his name was enough to make me contact the police.

While I appreciate that he’s probably trying to get his life back together, I don’t think contacting one of your victims is a great way to do it. To this day, I’m not sure I could face him. I don’t think I’m going to give myself the chance to find out.

After all, it was a long battle to get to where I am. It took me a long time to not blame myself. I know now that rape is about power. I’ve let a lot of people take my power (both through rape and abuse). I won’t let any one take it again.