Lenalee from D. Grey Man

The human body can be strange. It’s put together in an interesting way, that, in many ways, seem a bit bizarre… like how one side of your brain actually controls the opposite side of the body, or how nerves in your back can cause completely disparate parts of the body when hit during a tattoo.

Then there are certain lessons that you learn as you get older.

I know it’s a matter of public record (and pretty easy to find a lot here) that I have CPTSD. It’s something that I live with and I try to work with in order to keep on, keepin’ on. I also have chronic pain from arthritis in my lower back. This can be more trying… oftentimes my back hurts and makes it difficult for me to do much some times. And then I have Celiac to top it all off.

Lately, I have been thinking about something that I remember them frequently mentioning in chronic pain class. Pain can cause issues of depression and anxiety. This makes a certain amount of sense, especially when it’s a constant. There’s an entire psychological spiral that comes along with chronic pain that’s filled with frustration and despair. I get frustrated because I’m hurting again and then sad because it stops me being able to do the things that I love doing, like dancing… or walking around for any period of time.

Then there’s CPTSD. There are many things that this does psychologically. It’s similar to PTSD, but there are other things that show up that are unique to this kind of PTSD. You can find out more about it here and here. The muscle tensing is one of the biggest physiological problems.

Celiac comes with its own set of issues. Mostly I’m fine as long as I maintain a gluten-free diet. If I get even cross-contamination, I wind up going through a series of physical and psychological issues, like brain fog, body achiness, exhaustion, nausea… the list goes on.
So, expanding upon the lessons from my chronic pain class… I have thinking about the nature of the pain that I feel.
Am I in pain because I’m feeling emotionally down or am I feeling emotionally down because I’m in pain? Is my pain exacerbated because I’m feeling down?

And, honestly, I don’t have an answer. I’m not entirely sure there is a definite way to answer any of these questions.

I do know that there is a connection between them.

This beg another question, I know that my CPTSD won’t go away because I’m not hurting. That’s not how it works. But if I can manage to control my back pain better, maybe it would be possible to feel better. It’s not a perfect theory. It is one that I can try to achieve.
So, that’s my goal now (once I’m over this current bout of gluten sickness). I’m going to work on trying to control my pain as best I can.

That is one thing that I can do.

Well, here’s to experimenting and seeing if I can make it work.