Life is Funny

My life has been interesting as of late… and I’m not sure if I would qualify it as Chinese curse interesting. It certainly has felt that way for me for months. Each event seeming far worse and harder to overcome than the last. It was so bad that I felt as though I were on the brink of despair.

Sometimes life gives you something that is horrible at the time, but in hindsight might have been precisely what you needed in the first place. There are some things that wind up being blessings in disguise. And as much as I’m remiss to say it, I think what I went through may have been just that.

So, just after the Fourth of July, I got the results of a back x-ray that I took to see what was causing the pain in my back. That turns out to be early arthritis in my lower back. Not a surprise as I’ve had arthritis since I was 13 and had it in my knees. Not really surprising, and now it’s something that I’m going to fight against. I’ll be damned if I wind up in a wheelchair before my time.

More worrisome is that they also found a 5mm density in my lung/internal organ area.

So, of course this means something a lot more important… and dangerous. That means that they need to take another x-ray to make sure that something’s there… and if there is, it’s more than likely cancer. After all, cancer does run in my family. My grandmother died 2 years ago from cancer. My dad and grandfather have had to have tumors biopsied to make sure it wasn’t cancer.

While I was sure that I didn’t have cancer… it didn’t change that I was still scared. I’ve been in immediate fear for my life before. I’m even familiar of being in fear for my life at the hands of someone else for some time. This is the first thing that is hard to fight against. This is the first time I couldn’t watch something that could kill me. That scared me more than any of the other things that I could imagine. I’ve been abused and have had to handle plenty of other things in my life. This is different.

The two days I had to wait to have my chest x-ray were both long and excruciating. In that time, it makes one evaluate what it would mean if it turns out to be something, if it really is cancer. How would my life change? What would I need to do in order to have the longest and best quality of life is possible? How painful is chemotherapy?

It’s not a pleasant thought train, but it was a possibility.

The day of the x-ray came and I went in and did it. Tomo was super supportive as that’s the job he thinks he needs to do, be puppy emotional support for mommy. Then they asked me questions of why I was there to see if I understood why. I answered and broke down half of the way through. The x-ray tech read the reason and apologized. It didn’t take much for him to realize the reason for being there.

I took the x-ray and then all that was left was to wait. Thankfully my doctor wanted to give me an answer sooner than later. I wasn’t expecting to hear anything for a day. I heard back within the hour.

It came back that the density was an artifact.

That is the best news anyone could hope to get. I felt entirely relieved. All the scary thoughts that I had thought had gone.

Something more interesting came from this situation… something I didn’t know was possible. A week after finding out that I wasn’t in for having my life altered, something unimaginable happened. For the first time in about as long as I could remember I didn’t feel so anxious about things. It’s something I’m still not used to.

I don’t feel as awkward as I used to in social situations. Thinking about other things in my life doesn’t make me dreadful. This is both wonderful and weird. Because of thinking about everything that could have gone bad and that it could have been a very real situation. I think it helped put things in perspective for me. Life is so temporary and can change in the blink of an eye. There’s no time to fret over things that don’t matter. It sucks that I had to have a health scare for that point to settle into my brain. But here it is.

Kabuki by David Mack

 

A Moment in Life

I’m gonna be a bit more candid and personal today. Things have been a bit hectic as of late. I’m trying to roll with it, but it’s a lot of stuff that I feel the need to process out.

Life continues to truck along. That’s way it goes.

But then there are things that make you want to put everything on pause. I think I might be at that point now.

My grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer about this time last year. While I was never really close to her, it still is losing a part of your childhood. Both of my grandparents were always there. It was inevitable that they weren’t going to be there. A year later (give or take), my dad was diagnosed with cancer. It’s not terminal, but it makes me feel uneasy.

Thankfully, they found it early. So, that means treatment can happen and should be successful.

But it’s my father.

It’s a lot to take in. I don’t expect my parents to be there forever. That’s the way life is. We’re born then at some point later, we die. It’s expected that one’s going to need to handle the death of one or both parents.

I also have experience with people dying of cancer. It’s not something that’s easy to deal with. It’s something you need to deal with though.

Personally, I’m not sure how I feel right now. I have so many things going on right now that it’s hard to just think on any one thing. As much as I would love to be able to process one thing at a time. Life doesn’t work that way… or rather my life doesn’t work that way. So, I need to process many things at a time… and frankly, I can’t.

So, I’m hoping that this will help me start processing how I feel about this. This will be the pause that will help me start going through what I need to. Who knows, we’ll see how this all pans out.

The Week in Previw

It’s Monday fun day once again, which means it’s also time for the week in preview.

This weekend wound up being much busier than I had anticipated. Friday was gobbled up by an unfortunate doctor’s appointment (unfortunate in the sense that I had to go). Saturday was spent coordinating volunteers for 13 hours… But when it was all said and done, it was a pretty awesome event. That leaves one real day to unwind and think.

So, what am I going to write about this week? That’s a good question.

I might finally sit myself down and write my review for Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. I’m going to write about the importance of downtime for introverts.

Unfortunately, the short story will be taking another break as I’m starting to catch up with what I’ve written.

I’m not quite sure what else I’m going write about, but I will write about something… even if it’s simply a nonsense sentence like purple monkey dishwasher.

Until tomorrow!

New Things

OK, so it’s not so much new things as it’s a new thing. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to fit much new into my schedule as of late… something that makes me quite sad. More that it’s a more different thing.

 

A large part of that is my ongoing back pain struggle. I’ve been using medication for it, which largely makes me a bit loopy and tired. I’m tired of just treating the issue with drugs though. While for some that might seem like the ideal way to handle it, it isn’t for me.

I tend to be a rolling stone. I don’t like to live a more sedentary life. I like being able to get up and do things instead of sitting in one place. This back pain has really made me, well, a bit depressed (not to mention that I think the medication might also have gluten in it, but that’s a different discussion).

So last night I finally started Pilates.

I knew a little about it from seeing people do it on TV shows. I didn’t know what it was really like, because this is totally new to me.

And it was interesting. It was more of a workout than I was expecting. It was also a lot of fun too. It hadn’t felt like an hour had gone by… and I felt like Jell-O afterwards. That’s right up there with some of the best yoga classes I had done.

I do believe that I might be on the right track to finally being able to deal with back pain. That makes me happy.

Life Keeps on Ticking…

I haven’t been posting as of late. That’s largely because I really haven’t been writing much as of late aside from pithy notes on Facebook. I haven’t been writing much largely because of pain.

I also had to stop taking classes for the same reason.

I have had serious issues with back pain for almost my entire adult life. Last month the kicked in hard… very hard. So hard that I’m now on pain management medication that gives me the attention span of one of my dogs. It’s also been emotionally take it’s toll as I find it difficult to do many of the things I love at the moment. I’m not happy to be at this point. However, being here is making me want to fix the problem instead of throw pain meds at it.

I hope, in the following weeks to be able to get back to writing. I also hope to soon depend on the pain meds a lot less… thanks to the wonders of physical therapy.

I apologize for my absence, hopefully it won’t be for too much long.

Another Sickie Post

I’ve felt quite sick for the past 4 days. I know exactly what caused it (no, it’s not the flu). I was accidentally given some gluten.

Unfortunately, there’s not much I can do about it except weather the storm. So, that’s what I’m working on.

Also unfortunately, it seems to be sapping my ability to think coherently about what to write. I’m hoping to be better on the mend by tomorrow.

So, here’s to hoping that I can get some more writing in for this week.

Turning the Corner at the End of the Year

Tonight another year comes to an end (at least according to the Gregorian calendar). As is standard with each end of the year, everyone looks back at the last year. They think what will be different next year, what will be better, what can I change.

I don’t think I could sum up this year in an easy phrase or even a single word. It was diverse, but not necessarily in a completely positive way.

There were a lot of good things that came out of this year. I did things that I had thought of doing. I also came across some setbacks. And while I would like to change some of those setbacks, they’re not for me to change.

The biggest setback I had this year was still not being able to get a job. This was not for lack of trying. I did send out my résumé. I did what I felt I could do best. And I waited. This year wasn’t great for me getting a job. It doesn’t mean that I feel discouraged from even trying again, it does mean that I will need to keep trying until something actually works.

I still have some issues with social anxiety. I never used to be anxious about going out and being around new people… at least not to the degree that I am now. I am shy by nature, so being around new people is hard. This year, it felt like going out to be around people I didn’t know was like pulling teeth. This is something I need to work on. I need to get out more. I need to do more social things even though my brain is telling me no. More importantly I have to get over those many old demons of ex-boyfriends, ex-friends and family telling me that there’s nothing about me to like, that I’m the weird kid in the corner. It’s going to be an ongoing process, but something that I need to get past.

Now, on to the positive things.

I finally, after 33 years, discovered what was making me so sick. It was definitely one of those clouds parting and sun coming out moments. For as long as I can remember, I have always felt a little sick. I always felt cloudy-headed and run down.

Once I stopped eating gluten, it all cleared up. It’s a pretty major revelation that makes me happy to this day. It’s something that I need to keep doing to keep myself happy and healthy. I also plan on being more active this year and spending more time on my bicycle.

I’ve done a lot more writing this year. I finished 2 screenplays and started the third. I wrote a lot more here on this blog. I tried to stay more active with my writing, but I think I did a pretty damn good job this year and will do better next.

I finally made the trip to Comic Con. It was something that I didn’t think was possible as I knew how quickly it sold out. As many of you know, it was a pretty big thing for me to go to. It was socially overwhelming (over 100K people), as well as it was a major step forward in working towards my career. I do plan to return next year (I already bought next year’s badge) and will cover it again. Who knows what will happen at next year’s Comic Con.

In doing all of this I have better re-grouped as myself a bit better. I’m more focused on what I want to do and what needs to be done. I’ve made myself a slightly better version of myself. In every year, that’s all I have ever wanted to do… become a better me.

So, to end this year I would like to thank all you readers. Thank you to the new readers who have just discovered my writing. I would also like to thank my long time readers. You both are equally invaluable. I thank you for taking the time to read this blog.

Thank you, and may next year be even better than the last.

A Sickie Quickie for Today

As the title says, I’ve been sick. I came down with a slight cold.

As far as colds go for me, this has been the most mild. I didn’t wind up with any kind of fever. I had a sore throat for less than 24 hours. Those are both vast improvements over colds that I normally have.

However, it’s the stuffed nose and one nostril sleeping that knocks me out more than anything. It’s because I can’t sleep that makes it difficult for me to write. My brain becomes muddled and foggy.

So, needless to say, writing for here also becomes interesting.

But now I’m on the mend. I can breathe again. I feel less foggy.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to write tomorrow, however. I’m meeting a good friend who is in town and we’re taking our dogs out for a nice little hike. I will try to have something new and less rambling on Friday.

Also, another interesting musing: I wonder if colds will start to be less severe because my body isn’t constantly fighting itself to digest gluten… and less frequent. It will be interesting to see as this cold and flu season wears on if this will continue to be the case. If this is indeed the case, I think that stopping eating gluten might have been the best thing for me ever.

A Cut, a Personal Story of Dealing with Depression

Yesterday I posted about processing hurt in ways that are more healthy. That is coming from a place where I was processing hurt in a way that is nowhere near healthy. I never was an alcoholic. I never turned to drugs. While those are largely what people do, I just haven’t felt the need to do so.

Instead I did something that’s much more dangerous. I know it’s hard to believe that there’s something that could be more dangerous than drugs and alcohol. But really, there’s one thing that can possibly kill you a lot quicker if you’re not being careful.

While I was still constantly being berated and beaten down verbally and emotionally, while I was still in a place where I was always alone, there was only one thing that I could trust. If I could hurt as much on the outside as I was on the inside, maybe I could deal with it.

After 25 years of almost constant abuse, I was driven to many really dark places. Places so dark and deep that I thought I would never get out of. At one point I almost didn’t. In a lot of ways, I’m grateful for my ability to still think at times where it really did help.

So, what is it that I was alluding to?

I used to cut myself.

Yeah… let that sink in.

I’ve never had a lot of good friends. I didn’t have a lot of people I could personally confide in. Up until 2002, I had no one.

What can one do when you’re alone and need someone to talk to?

So, I wrote… a lot. I wrote a lot of angst-ridden and depressed poetry and escapist prose. You know, they typical lone wolf, artsy teenage stuff. It helped. Writing helped.

But it never helped with the loneliness and the hurt. While I entertained the thoughts of doing something, anything to numb how awful I was feeling inside, I decided instead to cause myself pain on the outside.

Was it a wise idea? Of course not. It was a decision made of desperation. There were times where I just didn’t want to live anymore. How could I continue to live if I’m some shitty person? Why does someone who is worthless and pointless deserve to live?

And while that may not be the case, it’s an endless loop I hear even until this day.

So, what’s changed so I’m not cutting myself?

I know that I’ve taken myself out of the place I was at. I stepped out of being in any romantic relationship and got rid of the toxic friendships I had in my life. I no longer hear a constant stream of negative, hateful things about myself.

While I’m still stuck with the after effects that I constantly struggle with, I’m trying to move past it. Move out of it to a time where I no longer hear that negative feedback loop. A time where I can finally just feel strong. It’s going to take a long time, but I’m getting there. That’s the hardest part.

There’s a great website that is all about this, it’s called To Write Love on Her Arms.  It’s a good resource that didn’t exist when I was cutting myself. If you may need it or someone else, here’s the URL: http://www.twloha.com/index.php

Illness Time

I’ve been sick for the past week. I think I might be at the tail end of being sick.

I hope to be back tomorrow bringing you some new writing. In the meantime, I’m going to nap and try to kill this thing.